If you grew up chabad but married out

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 2:00 am

When did your dd start lighting shabbos candles?

imaima

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 3:53 am

I was never chbad but I let my daughter light from age 3 because it’s cute and special.

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 6:18 am

What does married out mean in this context?

imaima

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 6:23 am

amother [ DarkCyan ] wrote:

What does married out mean in this context?

Husband not chabad

Ima_Shelli

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 9:00 am

Why not let her anyway? Especially if she wants to. It’s a beautiful minhag and not exclusive to Chabad. Brisker girls light before marriage too.

Thisisnotmyreal

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 9:08 am

The minhagim of the three Mitzvos always go after the mother not husband.

amother

Almond

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 9:12 am

I grew not in the slightest bit chabad and always lit from when I was little. Don't remember the exact age.

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 9:15 am

FWIW neither my husband nor I grew up chabad but his sisters lit candles from age 3 on. I offered my daughter and she declined. (I didn’t care either way if she did it or not so I continued to offer but wasn’t going to force)

amother

Aqua

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 9:23 am

The Rebbe said he is reviving an old forgotten minhag in order to add light to the darkness of galus.
The minhag is not chabad exclusive.

amother

Snowflake

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 12:15 pm

Married out of chabad.
Am doing exactly what everyone else in our shul is doing (lighting when married), so she can be normal in her own community.
Kids, especially as they get older, need to feel that they are like their friends. ESPECIALLY if they don't have the security of parents who were a part of that same system. Every little difference is magnified in their teenage eyes and will make them insecure and you will hear about it.

Edited to add: Why am I a snowflake? Crying

amother

NeonPurple

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:02 pm

amother [ Snowflake ] wrote:

Teaching your children that your family does a special minhag can also make them stronger.
Especially when it is something nice and not at all difficult.
I'm not chabad but always wished I could light as a kid.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:03 pm

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

The minhagim of the three Mitzvos always go after the mother not husband.

My rav told me otherwise…
Most women light after their husband minhag.

Thisisnotmyreal

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:04 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

My rav told me otherwise…
Most women light after their husband minhag.

Really? You asked your mil how many times she dunks in the mikvah??

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:05 pm

amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:

Especially since this is something done in the privacy of your home.

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:06 pm

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

Really? You asked your mil how many times she dunks in the mikvah??

I didn’t but I didn’t ask my mom either. I did what my kallah teacher told me to do (3)

keym

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:08 pm

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

Really? You asked your mil how many times she dunks in the mikvah??

No. My husband asked his mother.
Mikva before marriage I did what my mother did as per my Rav. After, I was told to adapt to what my husband asked his mother.
Same with lighting.

amother

Blueberry

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:14 pm

amother [ Snowflake ] wrote:

I grew up chabad and we lit candles from 3.

I have to say as a kid, it felt like literally the ONLY thing that was just for girls. Boys got a bris, a pdyan haben, an upshernish, wore yarmulka and tzitzes, made kiddush, lit menora at chanukah (I know girls can do that but we didn't in our house). Girls maybe had a kiddush at birth - many people dont bother but every baby boy has a bris - and thats about it. (not to mention the horribly offensive bracha we were forced to read every day in brochos) I literally remember being about 7 and working out that boys lit x amount of candles over chanukah, but us girls came out about even with the candles we lit every shabbos and yom tov. LOL

As a shlucha I have shabbos guests every week (mostly not chabad) and some single girls don't light, some light 2, so many different minhagim.

If you live in a community where people are making your kids feel like pariahs for not having parents born into the community or having very slightly different minhagim, that is so sad for you and your kids!!!

ETA: my parents were not born chabad and bh I was never made to feel different or odd in chabad. Sure there are people who wouldn't date me for that - but then some who would.

amother

Blueberry

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:14 pm

amother [ DarkCyan ] wrote:

I didn’t but I didn’t ask my mom either. I did what my kallah teacher told me to do (3)

My kallah teacher told me to ask my mother.

amother

Blueberry

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:18 pm

took me a while to get the snowflake reference!!!!

amother

Magenta

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:18 pm

keym wrote:

No. My husband asked his mother.
Mikva before marriage I did what my mother did as per my Rav. After, I was told to adapt to what my husband asked his mother.
Same with lighting.

Same.
Before marriage like my mother.
After marriage like dh’s mother.

Covering hair I was told at chasunah I could go either way and chose dh’s (fully cover) bec my parents minhag (ner yisroel) is to cover after chuppah which is hard.

For men it’s a very technical discussion. Dh asked his father what their minhag is.