If you grew up chabad but married out

amother

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:19 pm

amother [ Snowflake ] wrote:

Married out of chabad.
Am doing exactly what everyone else in our shul is doing (lighting when married), so she can be normal in her own community.
Kids, especially as they get older, need to feel that they are like their friends. ESPECIALLY if they don't have the security of parents who were a part of that same system. Every little difference is magnified in their teenage eyes and will make them insecure and you will hear about it.

Edited to add: Why am I a snowflake? Crying

My in-laws light from age 12 so teenage wise no difference which minhag we go by.
I didn't have a real problem when I was a teen, at school shabbos there was a couple other girls that lit so it wasn't a big deal.

Btw snowflakes are beautiful LOL

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:31 pm

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

The minhagim of the three Mitzvos always go after the mother not husband.

I'm always surprised when I hear this from people. I was taught (by my mother) that when I get married I do my DH's minhag.

I actually think this type of thing can ch'v lead to SB issues, and remember reading of where it did (and couple ultimately divorced). We need to be careful of such blanket statements.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:32 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

Same.
Before marriage like my mother.
After marriage like dh’s mother.

Covering hair I was told at chasunah I could go either way and chose dh’s (fully cover) bec my parents minhag (ner yisroel) is to cover after chuppah which is hard.

For men it’s a very technical discussion. Dh asked his father what their minhag is.

DH's minhag (Brisk) is to cover the next morning, and that's what I did.

amother

Candycane

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:34 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Even for Mikvah? My Kallah teacher (mainstream, trained by R' Berkowitz and Mrs. Selengut), said specifically for Mikvah to ask my mother our minhag for dunking.

Never heard of licht being included in that though.

amother

Candycane

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:36 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

Probably helpful that it was your parents minhag to cover though! If Ner Yisroel is like Chofetz Chaim the RY wouldn't be misader kiddushin if the Kallah hair isn't covered.

amother

Magenta

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:38 pm

amother [ Candycane ] wrote:

Even for Mikvah? My Kallah teacher (mainstream, trained by R' Berkowitz and Mrs. Selengut), said specifically for Mikvah to ask my mother our minhag for dunking.

For before marriage or after?
I also was told to ask. But only applied to first time. How else should I have known?

amother

Candycane

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:46 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

For before marriage or after?
I also was told to ask. But only applied to first time. How else should I have known?

Omg I wonder if she meant just for the first time!!! Either way I think my mother's way is pretty standard and it's what my husband also learned so I haven't been messing up.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 1:47 pm

amother [ Candycane ] wrote:

I specifically remember my KT telling me to ask my mother, and that after marriage, my DH will tell me what to continue doing (for me it's been same).

keym

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 2:28 pm

My mother's minhag is to dip twice. Once, Bracha, once.
My Rav and my husband's Rav told me to do that before my Chasuna, but after to dip 3 times- once, Bracha, twice like my mother in law.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 3:17 pm

Thisisnotmyreal wrote:

Kisui rosh is not the three Mitzvos.

I know, my response was a response to poster who wrote about covering her hair according to her DH's minhag vs. her parents, at her wedding.

For Kissui Rosh, I did DH's minhag, since at the point when it would be nogeah, I am married and his wife, and do his minhag.

Chayalle

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 3:18 pm

amother [ DarkViolet ] wrote:

Not everyone has the minhag to dunk in mikva erev YK. I was told this specifically is something one should go by the mother.

Right. My mother had this minhag, and my DH does not.

As a nod to my mother's minhag I take an extra-long shower on Erev YK (concept of letting a certain amount of water pass over you instead of tevillah - NOT acceptable according to Halacha for Tevillah when niddah) and stand under the water for a while.

Chickensoupprof

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 3:21 pm

I got frum within Chabad. I always wanted to light candles I literally had nightmares that I couldn't light and everyone had shabbos except of me and I was excluded of shabbos, sat at a different table etc... Really sad dreams.
I hated it when people told me that only married women should light. Like I didn't have a mommy that lit for me a candle for shabbos, I felt so responsible for that mitzvah that I had to light! I will let my daughters do it when they are 3, it's cute and so a girl got a mitzvah different from all these other festivities like boys have. I think it's a good chinuch. I literally had to beg people who were not chabad to light >.<

Chickensoupprof

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 3:23 pm

BTW, my husband is litvish/yeshivish from the background but his parents are BT we don't have a set minhag. His Rav told him before marriage he can use the Dutch Yekkish (see the Rema) minhag of waiting 1 hour to eat milch after fleishig.

LovesHashem

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 3:27 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I was taught it goes after your mother. I even have a Halacha Sefer by Rabbi Kallus about the halachos of Challah and Neiros, where he writes "HaRav Avraham Pam z"l said in the name of HaRav Yaakov Kamenetsky z"l that hadlakos neurons goes after the tradition of the woman".

We also asked before we got this book, because I have a different minhag than dh and he was pretty surprised (kinda upset) when engaged I told him how my mother lit and how I expected to light like that. He asked his Rav who told him it goes after my mother.

A couple can change their mihagim together and a husband can also be mevater his wife following certain minhagim. Both of these things are things I've done before.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 4:50 pm

This isn't a comment about candles or mikvah, but I know that my friend was told that she is allowed to keep her nusach tefilla even though it was different than her husband. You don't have to blanket take on all your husband's minhagim. Women - in their own right j- are respected and valued in Jewish law and culture. This is something to be asked by an adam gadol.

amother

Black

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 4:56 pm

I grew up chabad and married out. (feel like this is so, so, uncommon that I'm surprised to even see this thread). When my daughter turned three my parents bought her a silver candlestick which she was very excited about and she doesn't consistently light, but she does whenever she's up at candle lighting and it's not too hectic (she's turning 4 soon)

amother

Magenta

Thu, Jun 09 2022, 4:56 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

I find the question on changes nusach depends on who you ask.

Like if a girl davened nusach sefard and marries boy who davens nusach Ashkenaz the answer depends on the nusach the rav davens. Who is asked. Like rabbanim who daven nusach sefard tend to believe it’s the most correct so will say not to change. If rav davens nusach ashkanaz will say to change.

I found the same if a boy davens in a yeshiva with a diff nusach. Depending on the rav they asked they were told to change or not.