Disappointing RSVPs for Simcha

amother

Peony

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 8:48 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

If it’s a wedding it’s possible ppl will come to dance. I always say no to meal but make a point to show up to dance. Many of my friends do this.
And unless you got back 340 NO many ppl are just bad at sending back but may still show

This. Unless it's within the next four weeks, I'm really sorry but I can't promise you I'll be there and I don't want you to plan for me to be there and then for me not to come.

I'll tell you when we get closer to the date if I can come.

Again, depends when the bar mitzvah is. But I'm not alone....lots of people don't want to commit too far in advance...

amother

Ghostwhite

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 9:20 pm

amother [ Peony ] wrote:

And this is why I am much happier keeping my invite lists short, limiting it to people who love and care about us and think celebrating with us is a priority.

Maybe it's just cultural, but I really hate the attitude of "we'll see". Except for in very specific extenuating circumstances people should be able to give a clear yes or no when invited.

amother

Papayawhip

Mon, Jun 20 2022, 10:08 pm

We didn’t invite a lot of people to ours and maybe half didn’t show. Only 2 out of 4 women’s tables were full and a bunch of people came late. Now for my daughter’s wedding, I’m aware that it will be the close family of chosson and kallah and their friends. Literally no one else. I’m prepared, so I’m hoping it won’t hurt so much.

amother

Peony

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 3:42 am

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

Excellent. I'm all for smaller simchas.

amother

Stoneblue

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 4:56 am

Assuming its soon and into everyones just gone away for summer vacation time and not local. That is really not feel too awesome feeling to experience.

Whenever its summer or midwinter or made further than 30-45 minute drive all these people who would otherwise attend tend not to. It's not you in that case, its just current societal norms to most people in most circles.

amother

Phlox

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 8:44 am

Don't know what type of simcha you are dealing with but can you reach out to a local yeshiva to get more guys to come in for dancing, etc, so that it will be more leibedik?

If many people are in the country and therefore can't come, do you think it would make a difference if you hired a bus to drive people from the country back to the city for your simcha and then back up again? Assuming you are NY based, that is! Otherwise, substitute other geographic constraints as appropriate.

amother

Bergamot

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 9:33 am

I understand you op. At my sons bris only 1 person showed up it was so hard to face. Since then I’ve tried to go to all simchas I’m invited to even if it’s difficult to get out. I even go to some simchas for quick mazel tov on Shabbos even if I’m not invited but know it’s happening. The Baal simcha is always so appreciative that I went. I’m hoping with all this effort by my next simcha more people will show up.

Are you going to others simchas? If not then many will feel if you didn’t come to mine I won’t come to yours. I know babyish but reality.

watergirl

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 9:37 am

amother [ Peony ] wrote:

Really? Why? If I get an invitation and the simcha is a priority (which I make it), I put it on my calendar and I go. If something else pops up, oh well, I'm busy that night because I have the simcha. I'm not waiting to see if something better comes along.

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 9:38 am

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

exactly this. you can't "commit" to my simcha? clearly, you're not a close friend.

watergirl

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 9:50 am

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

exactly this. you can't "commit" to my simcha? clearly, you're not a close friend.

Seriously. If someone said to me "I don't know what I'll be doing that night", the obvious answer should be "yes you do, you are going to the simcha that night". If it's not, then it's clear where you stand. (Obviously barring extenuating circumstances, emergencies, etc).

amother

Salmon

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 10:22 am

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

exactly this. you can't "commit" to my simcha? clearly, you're not a close friend.

Not necessarily. I can't commit to attend a simcha without my kids until I have arranged childcare. Often I can't do that until closer to the date because I can't get a babysitter to commit to me months in advance.

mha3484

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 10:33 am

If your a relative or a very close friend I’ll make it a priority to come even if it’s very challenging.

But…I get invitations from people I like a lot but are somewhere between acquaintances and friends and if I come home from work on time and my kids are not being crazy I’m happy to come wish a mazal tov but my life is super stressful and committing to a whole evening is not always something I can do.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 10:35 am

I understand the ppl saying can’t commit if inviting 400 ppl

If I invite 20 of my closest friends and family I expect them to be there no matter what (In our case it’s closer to 100). And for my closest family and friend I do the same.
But if I’m inviting 400 ppl then 300 of them are not close friends and relatives but neighbors and acquaintances . It’s hard to know in advance is my dd going to a friend to study, will the baby have kept me up late last night, was I late at work, did the toddlers go to sleep nicely, etc. bH I get invited to simchas almost every night - I can’t tie myself down like that - many of them I hardly know.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 11:47 am

My mind can't wrap around inviting 400 people to an event - let alone a Bar Mitzvah

Not to be snarky but do you have 400 close relatives or close friends?

Are these people close to your shul or do they have to drive a significant distance?

Are you inviting them for a lunch or other party or just to attend the actual event in the shul.

Without knowing more all I can say is that I would be unlikely to attend the Bar Mitzvah of a casual acquaintance or attenuated relative who I didn't really have a relationship with. That would be even more so if I actually had to drive someone to get there if it weren't in the immediate vicinity.

That could just be me because I am not a really social person and would just as soon not go to a simcha unless it was for someone I was close to.

amother

Alyssum

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 11:51 am

400 people sounds like a LOT. Even 250. We sent out 400 kiddush invitations but only invited close friends to the evening. We had 100 people and it was small and beautiful.

Unfortunately, unless someone is super super close to you they won’t be bothered to come.

Also, think of it the other way-have you actually attended 250 bar mitzvahs?

amother

Peony

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 11:54 am

watergirl wrote:

I mean, it's not your business but it boils down to this: Two of our children have medical complications* and sometimes we wait months for specialist appointments. If a specialist's secretary calls up two days before your simcha and says "we have a cancellation, can you come in on this day at this time" and it means we can't come, but it also means getting in to see the specialist (and get things moving for the next stage) two or three months earlier, I don't really feel that I have a choice.

It's unfortunate but that's life. I will drop everything and take the appointment, unless it falls on another specialist's appointment - and even then DH and I will do everything we can so that one of us goes to one and the other to the other (provided it's not the same child needed for both appointments).

I don't go to most social events and would not prioritize one over a simcha.

The other reasons we might not make it: Because of all the specialist appointments we had to switch our work schedules such that we work crazy hours (to make our bosses happy even though we need so many accommodations because so many appointments are last-minute "you can come in today" and fall on work hours) and I am alone with the kids that evening/ DH is alone with the kids. If it is me alone I will try to come but shlep the kids with me (babysitters we never manage to find). If it is DH alone good luck he doesn't take the kids anywhere alone.

Or, we are sick. And you don't want our germs there anyways.

*You don't know unless we told you. They are in regular schools and seem normal, impulsive kids.

amother

Peony

Tue, Jun 21 2022, 11:56 am

amother [ Salmon ] wrote:

Right. This as well.

But if you are a close friend then I assume you don't mind me bringing my kids, and even want to see them.