I feel terrible | Imamother

amother

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 6:24 pm

I feel terrible today I lost it with my kid, he’s 3 and a half and started toilet training a week ago. But the last 2 days he’s been making number 2 accidents every day in his pants. And this morning had 3 accidents which I went mad with him about as I felt he just didn’t care at that point and wasn’t listening. I told him will HVe to put him in diapers etc. I felt really bad after as he was crying on the toilet but I was really fed up. Feel really guilty. Just venting

amother

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 8:12 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

He's probably not ready to be toilet trained just yet

Can’t wait any longer. He’s never had an accident at school or when we out but at home I find he doesn’t care as much and needs to be constantly reminded

amother

Dodgerblue

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 10:15 pm

My son is 3yr and 8months old. He is toilet trained just 2 months ago. When he needs to move his bowels, he asks for a diaper. He's just not ready to do it in the toilet yet. We're very matter of fact about it, it's really not a big deal. He was just all around somewhat on the late side for toilet training. It's ok. Every kid does it on their own timeline. Try to see him for the vulnerable precious little boy that he is. He likely won't be pooping in his pants at his wedding. He'll get there.

mushkamothers

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 10:18 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not possible for a 3 year old to be this manipulative. They are still trying to please you.

Careful not to associate shame with the toileting process.

amother

Steelblue

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 10:33 pm

We all lose it sometimes. I think kids need a little parental feedback! I don't think what you did was that terrible. I toilet trained a 2 year old because I made a big deal and made it seem terrible when he made on the floor or in his pants. Why is it no big deal? Is he ready or not?

amother

Burlywood

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 10:40 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

He's probably not ready to be toilet trained just yet

Why would a typical 3.5 year old not be ready at this point? Sometimes kids do need a little tough love.

BrisketBoss

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 11:30 pm

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Why would a typical 3.5 year old not be ready at this point? Sometimes kids do need a little tough love.

Actually a lot of 3.5s are not ready yet. Most children can learn to use to use the potty without any pushing from the parents. It will be something they want to do. This usually happens between ages 3 and 4 but can be a little earlier or later. Some 4-5 year-olds will eventually need a little push (like "oops, we're out of diapers") to be administered when the parent senses it is time.

You can also try to 'train' before the kid decides they want to but it's very kid dependent. It might work. It also might not work, or it might seem to work at first but then there's a regression or constipation related issues due to excessive holding, or in this case the kid seems to be using it to express that here is something he can control and by golly he's going to control it.

BrisketBoss

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 11:41 pm

OP you might be too invested. For better or for worse, toddlers can sense that and push back. Also there could be another area where he feels he has too little or even too much control. You say "I want you to eliminate in this way" and he says "Actually you have no control over that, I will eliminate how I please." And he's right, you have no control over that. Here's what you can do. Go back to diapers for a while. It's not the end of the world.

Last edited by BrisketBoss on Sat, Jun 25 2022, 11:45 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Jade

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 11:43 pm

amother [ Steelblue ] wrote:

Some people find there are constipation issues or worse later on with those kids who weren’t ready. I don’t think being scared into it means the kid was ready.

BrisketBoss

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 11:51 pm

amother [ Steelblue ] wrote:

So maybe there were no issues for you guys from that method, in your relationship or physically. That's good to hear. But for some kids it would have adverse effects. I would never advise it.

amother

Hosta

Sat, Jun 25 2022, 11:51 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

Some people find there are constipation issues or worse later on with those kids who weren’t ready. I don’t think being scared into it means the kid was ready.

Seriously. I think I caused my kid problems for life. Won't be giving details here.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:04 am

mushkamothers wrote:

Not possible for a 3 year old to be this manipulative. They are still trying to please you.

Careful not to associate shame with the toileting process.

I’ll have to disagree with that. My DD who was trained a month before she was 3 and didn’t have accidents for months, when she was 3.5 and we were away and staying at a place with one bathroom (while our home has 2) was upset that my DH went to the bathroom and insisted she would have an accident and when I said she wouldn’t she deliberately went on the floor. Mind you we had been out all day at someone else’s house (where she always uses the bathroom) and she never said anything about needing to go before we left, and when we got to the apt we were staying at she only said she needed to go as soon as my DH went (which is not right when we got home.) I’m 100% sure it was not a true accident. This is just one example but don’t underestimate the power of a 3.5 year old to manipulate!

amother

Lightcoral

Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:10 am

Just want to say….. us moms are spread thin, we manage a lot between work , home , kids and community- and many of us yell more than we’d like or don’t treat our kids the way we should all the time. But I don’t think these things when they are occasional will ruin our kids! (And I even when it’s more than occasional)
Op- it’s ok…..

BrisketBoss

Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:13 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

I don't get it? I'm not seeing the manipulation here.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:24 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

I don't get it? I'm not seeing the manipulation here.

Trying to insist that my DH doesn’t have a right to be in the bathroom because she needs to go right away as soon as she feels the sensation when really she knows how to hold it in and then when I say no you won’t have an accident she has to prove me wrong and show me she will have an accident.

mushkamothers

Sun, Jun 26 2022, 12:26 am

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

So she told you she couldn't keep it in and then proceeded to do just that, how is that manipulation.

It's a very big deal to create shame at this age. It's such a big deal that it's Eriksons stages of growth - you either emerge with shame or with autonomy over bodily functions. Please be matter of fact and nonjudgmental as much as possible.