Toxic neighborhood friends

amother

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 6:56 pm

My 12 year old is being shunned by the 2 neighbors closest to her in age. One of them is very toxic and manipulative and convinced the other girl not to be my daughter's friend anymore. I'm at my wits end. The parents play the "were not mixing into our kids fights. Let them fight it out. Blablabla." Of course. Their kids aren't getting hurt here. I feel like I'm ready to kick some butt. Help.

P.s. she does have some other friends here. But these are closest to our house and they're going out of their way to ignore her and make her feel like dirt.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:08 pm

I agree with the other parents, you shouldn't mix in directly. I hope they would feel the same way if their child was the one at the disadvantage.

What you can do is talk with your daughter about it. Listen to what she thinks about the situation, encourage her to think of what she can do about it, be empathetic. Other girls can be mean at that age. Share your wisdom. I hope that those other girls' parents are having judicious conversations with them as well--it can be done without 'mixing in,' although it can easily be done poorly instead.

What you should not do is take on her feelings for yourself. Just have empathy, trust your daughter, see her as fundamentally resilient. This will help.

amother

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:14 pm

I do talk to her. Shes handling it quite well. But she is so so hurt.
I can't exactly stand by and watch. The younger siblings have started taunting my 3 year old. Their parents ought to know this. It is just not ok.

amother

Lime

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:22 pm

Ugh. Same situation. Girl's mom asserted she can't decide who her daughter wants to be friends with. So it's been a few years and dd is climbing the walls from boredom every Shabbos because she has no friends on the block.

amother

Lemonlime

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:25 pm

If shabbos have her invite friends or family over to stay over for shabbos do whatever you can to make it special for her or let her go out for shabbos to family or friends

amother

Chicory

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:25 pm

You can't parent other people's kids. You can only empower yours. Build your daughter up, help her understand that girls that behave in this way don't make good friends and help her find more suitable friends nearby.

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:26 pm

It’s kind of true they can’t demand that their daughter be friends with yours. That’s not to say that they’re right. They should be educating their children to be kind to everyone.

amother

Lime

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:34 pm

amother [ Chicory ] wrote:

Sometimes there are no other friends and the only option is to move.

amother

Topaz

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:36 pm

Their attitudes explain why their children are that way. While I can't control my kid I can certainly parent her. I can explain that it's not ok to leave someone out or leave her without friends. You need to teach kindness from very young ages. In my experiences there has always been a correlation between parenting and bullies. If at all possible I would move, this is very damaging and can have long term effects on her.

groovy1224

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:37 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Your 3 year old?? What do they expect a toddler to do, handle it? They can call it their policy, but that's just lazy parenting. If I witnessed that and the kid's parents refused to do anything, I'd handle it myself. And they'd forfeit the right to complain about it.

As for your older daughter, I know it must be so hurtful, but it sounds like she's dodging a bullet. She doesn't need these 'friends' in her life if they are the kind of girls that would shut someone out just for the fun of it. Encourage her to cultivate these other friendships, even if they live further out.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 7:50 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I agree, you should talk to the parents. You can't keep seeing your kids be bullied like this especially if they live close by. Be mindful that the parents will be defensive of their own kids, so this will need tact.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 9:44 pm

I had a similar situation. Spoke to a chinuch expert who said that her continuing to pursue these girls can be doing dangerous things for her development and emotionally harmful. She said that I should discourage her from running after people that hurt her in that way, even if it means having few/further friends now.

Rubies

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 9:53 pm

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

This.
Teach her to have self-respect and work hard to find other options.

amother

Razzmatazz

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 10:35 pm

amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:

Can we not describe 12 year olds as “toxic”? They’re 12.

Some 12 years old can be quite nasty unfortunately.
And when parents don't care to change the situation at that age, there's very little chance they will become "nice" later on.
You don't get good middos suddenly! Sad

amother

Black

Wed, Jul 27 2022, 10:49 pm

I feel you OP, we have the same situation and it hurts so much. And when I finally did casually mention it to the mean girl's mother, she made it seem like I'm so petty and beneath her for bringing it up. The worst is when they walk down the block and giggle when approaching my house and then duck and run past it but in a very exaggerated and mocking way. Of course the mean girl is head of GO and dance and and and.... You know what I think? I think the school shouldn't reward someone who got to the top by putting down everyone else, constantly belittling them and making them scared to doublecross them. This summer they're all three counselors at the same camp and DD found the third girl crying in the bathroom because she has to do all the actual work but she still wouldn't say anything because at least she gets to be friends with the mean girl and she's scared of retaliation. And yes, it's spreading to the younger siblings. Why, oh why did Hashem hand me this nisayon that almost all my children have a child from this family to deal with in their grade? Sad

I told DH I hope the mother rots in he**, I just hate her so much.