At wits end with daughter

seltzermom

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 8:19 am

She’s a bit messy and dysregulated but many kids are!

She’s still worthy of love. And craves it deeply.

None of my kids were as cooperative as you would like. They all protested when I called them inside to go to sleep if they were playing with the neighbors. And protested a lot!

Many of my kids dumped their clothes on the floor, didn’t throw out their wrappers and got paint on their new clothes (daycamp projects!)

One of my kids sucked her thumb for years. She was my best sleeper because of it!

Another child was a really messy eater. Hands, open mouth you name it.

But all of them were worthy of love! And when I held them, beamed at them, kissed them, and supported them and noticed their good - such as their pretty eyes, their enthusiasm, creativity, smartness or social smarts they felt worthy and seen. And they grew and grew and many habits faded and some stayed:) but they are wonderful human beings!!

If you don’t like her of course she will hold onto her pacifier. It’s actually a great replacement. And will soothe her because you’re not capable of doing that right now.

Work on yourself and pay someone else to love her and support her. That will Iyh bring good results.

amother

Fern

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 8:35 am

My kid with pandas was the same way. With lots of guidance from my pediatrician we managed to crawl out of it. In our case it was recurrent strep that was causing the issues but the cause can be a host of other things. Find a doctor who will listen to you. None of this is normal and all of it can be helped.

Chayalle

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:11 am

What seltzermom said.

OP your daughter feels whatever you feel for her.
I have one child who is more sensitive, high-strung, sensory, whatever, a whole slew of things. In some ways very deep and insightful and really smart (with the memory of an elephant), in other areas has been slower to mature. I sometimes think the years of IF and longing for her were a blessing in disguise, because my love for her has always been consistent (even when I was at my wits end with her. Trust me I know how that feels.)

Take a step back and think about what a beautiful neshama your daughter has. And what a precious gift she is from Hashem. Imagine people who would break the bank (we did) for a child like her.

It's your job to love her and raise her. Not to create someone perfect according to community standards. But just to let her thrive and be her best self. When you start from a position of love, everything changes.

I have found that every hard stage passes, sometimes so quickly that I wonder how that happened. There is so much growth.

Get advice from real people when you can. You will feel more supported. If your daughter is willing, take her to a therapist - she will thrive from the extra attention, and you may get some insight and support in guiding her. It will benefit your whole family.

I know someone who is now an advanced medical professional (like PHD level) who sucked her thumb till she was 12 and was a very challenging child in other ways. Being vague to protect that child's identity, but will just say that she's an amazing and successful wife and mother today. Someone who grew and developed good middos and maturity at her own pace.

Your child sounds like she has amazing potential. B"EH with lots of love she will get there.

taketwo

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:18 am

All the above, plus:

Can you list 5 positive things about her here?

Can you every day before bed think of one or two positive things about her.

In addition to seeking help, you need to look for the positive in her. The negative resentment is just going to make things worse. You need to like her and of course love her for who she is. Let go of what you want her to be and find things to like about the current her. So she sleeps with a pacifier, so she doesn't help, so she acts up. It doesn't matter. She won't be like that forever. She'll grow up, stop worrying about that now. Stop judging her according to the future, and love her in the present.

How is she in school?

Last edited by taketwo on Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:20 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Marigold

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:19 am

amother OP wrote:

I don't know what to do with my daughter anymore. I'm recently having feelings of hatred towards her . She's almost 9 years old. Very difficult. Extremely disobedient, always always whining , constantly fighting with everyone. Her language and the way she talks is disgusting. She's super immature. Very very needy. She acts like she's 4. Never helps around the house. Always always complaining. If something doesn't go her way she will slam doors and shout I hate you towards me or anyone. When She's out playing with neighbors and I call her in she would just tell me no in my face or whine and whine that life isn't fear and she needs to stay out more. She would many times just walk away from me. She's messy and doesn't care about her belongings. Her hair is always a mess no matter how many times I make it. Let's talk about bedtime. She can't fall asleep . She takes a PACIFIER that she doesn't wana get rid of. I took it away and she threw a fit ! She's turning 9!!!! She always wants to sleep in someone's bed. Ok I don't know where to end this rant . I'm just so rrrrrrrrrrrrr. I have had it ! She gets me so nervous ! I want to love her and be patient with her but boy is it hard ! She is not my only child, and she makes our entire household mad! What do I do ???

What do you mean by her language and the way she talks is disgusting?
What is disgusting about talking?

amother

Marigold

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:22 am

amother OP wrote:

How does she make your entiRe household mad? Does she get along with any of her siblings?

amother

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:29 am

I have read all your messages . Thank you for the advice ! I will start by saying yes it is late and should have gotten help a while ago but I was thinking it's a phase . Now she's going into 3rd grade and she's out of control. I DO try to show her love and praise her andhug her. Sometimes she accepts and sometimes she'll say get off me go away. The language she uses is words like idiot, stupid , crazy , I hate you . She talks in a rough way to people. She is always pushing people . Throwing her brother on the floor. Would never say excuse me but instead push harshly. Yes we tell her . I don't just stand by and allow this behavior. Punishments doesn't work for her. She laughs us off . And when she finally does stay in her room for a while agter bad behavior she screams "worst parents! I'm moving out ! You are all crazy! I'm gana die "
Typical words from her. If she doesn't like the supper she would flip over the plate and say words like you want me to starve to death.
With friends I can see she tries to control herself. I can see her get really mad sometimes but she would clench her fists but not scream. She has friends. In school she had a social worker. She was very disobedient in school. Academicly she's brilliant.

BrisketBoss

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:33 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm going to be at least the third person to suggest The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. I really admire his work and it's helped a lot of families.

amother

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:36 am

amother Marigold wrote:

Do you see the connection between her being needy, wanting to sleep in everyone else's beds, and her needing a pacifier?
This child is craving love and affection. Begging for it.

I'm sure she is begging for attention ! I don't know WHAT she wants or needs! She has everything, it's never enough for her . No matter what we by her or give her emotionally it's never enough and she never seems happy or satisfied. I'm at my wits end. I tried taking her out alone on a 2 day trip , she didn't appreciate the trip. Instead of being thankful and grateful we went out alone and spoke a lot , she complained the entire way home WHY we didn't go to a certain amusement park and it was the worst trip ever cuz we didn't go to where she wanted to go. She's just very difficult!! No matter what I try it's no good ! I was so burnt and upset agter that trip I said I'm never taking her again.
Another time we went to orlando as a family. My kids had a great time ! We didn't go to magic Kingdom but we did some smaller parks in the area and they LOVED it. They never asked even once to go to Disney. But SHE was in a rotten mood and refused to smile even once and kept saying worst parents this trip is so dumb you never do anything fun with us. WHAT am I supposed to do in this situation?? It's just so hard to love her !

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:39 am

amother OP wrote:

Just want to validate and let you know that some kids are like this no matter what their parents do. They are insatiable.

I would absolutely look into a physiological cause like pandas. And I would also absolutely, immediately find a therapist who can help you out here. This is a child at serious risk who needs help now.

amother

Gladiolus

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:40 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Classic pandas/brain inflammation.

I relate to the feeling of almost hatred. It’s my instinct telling me something isn’t right, this isn’t how it’s meant to be.

Get her on motrin and an anti histamine. And then take her the to a p/p literate provider.

Also, read this book https://www.amazon.com/gp/prod.....psc=1

Can’t agree with this post more. I used to lurk here and groan about these pandas posts ans guess what- I could have written your OP about my 9 year old son and since we started treating for pandas he is a different child. Not perfect. But I would say I enjoy spending time with him when 6 months ago I would’ve been happy if HaShem took him away.
Take blood for dna base and mycoplasma, Lyme and coinfections.
Especially bec you can identify the time the behaviors started

seltzermom

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:45 am

She has alot of strengths! She’s smart and she has friends.

Work on yourself, maybe take Blimi Hellers course to help you accept her more.

One of my kids was very spacey and not grounded as a child. It really threw me off. I went to therapy to face my own stuff that was blocking me from accepting her. And it really helped! And a side benefit was that I grew so much.

In raising kids we are often called to raise ourselves too. The subconscious younger parts that we pushed away thinking we got rid of them only to see them tangled into our bonds with our kids.

#BestBubby

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:48 am

This sounds very challenging, OP.

To help reduce anger, remember this: DD did not CHOOSE to be like this.

This is how Hashem made her - with a very difficult nature.

Think of it as a handicap to help you have more patience and compassion.

TWO VERY GOOD SIGNS:

Your DD CAN Control her difficult nature with her friends - and she HAS Friends!

Your DD is academically brilliant.