At wits end with daughter

amother

Marigold

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:50 am

My son with sensory processing disorder used to cause this kind of chaos. I was sure he has ADHD or some kind of autism because everything was so chaotic around him. From your post what stands out to me:
Not liking food= sensory
Pushing people and things= sensory
Need to suck= sensory
Craving deep pressure= sensory
Overall immaturity and wildness= sensory

Basic eval and then a good OT asap.
Until then I would try a heavy or weighted blanket and see if it helps her. Lots of swings, swimming, carrying a heavy backpack if you can get her to.

#BestBubby

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:52 am

I will suggest BRIBING.

Focus on Just ONE Behavior - such as not PHYSICALLY Hurting a Sibling.

Buy a special treat - preferably a candy that she never gets, only for THIS.

Every day DD does not hurt a sibling - DD gets a Treat.

AND You can give ALL the children that special Treat so they will all be on DD's Team.

If DD goes 5 Days in a Row without hurting - DD earns a special gift or privilege.

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 10:59 am

#BestBubby wrote:

That's not called bribing. It's called positive reinforcement.

(And also it sounds like you're trying to use a strictly behavioral approach for a child who is very very deep into dysfunction. Not generally going to succeed.)

amother

Marigold

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 11:03 am

#BestBubby wrote:

This can be a good temporary method but it will have to be every five-ten minutes. A day is way too long.

amother

Clear

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 12:20 pm

Just to commiserate a bit with you, OP.
My daughter is the same age, almost 9, going into 3rd grade. Certain things are very different than your daughter but certain things I can completely identify with. My DD is not sensory, is a perfect angel in school BH. Her teachers are all crazy about her in every way. However, she can be so challenging at home in many of the ways you mentioned. Demanding, bratty, mean to her siblings, bossy to her friends (although her teachers tell me she’s popular). If things don’t go her way, she will totally say the same type of things you mentioned, you’re the worst mother, you’re not normal, tells her siblings they’re ‘mental’, she hopes they die….. but when she wants to be, she can be really mature, capable, and insightful. So while many of the things you mention can be addressed in an evaluation/therapy, many moms are struggling similarly with otherwise typical kids. Hashem should give you all the strength you need.
And btw, I read the explosive child and many other similar books. Also took a parenting course with a child psychologist.

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 12:22 pm

amother Clear wrote:

Omg! U just described my kid. Minus labelling her siblings mental.

May I ask if your kid is in therapy?

amother

Clear

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 12:29 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Omg! U just described my kid. Minus labelling her siblings mental.

May I ask if your kid is in therapy?

She is not. I believe some kids are just more difficult to parent. And that it is my problem, not hers. And that most of it is probably a stage that she will grow out of. Don’t know if I’m right but that is my instinct as a parent in this case. She has always been more of a headstrong personality even as a baby.
Btw her teachers would probably laugh at me if I even brought up the idea.

tulip4u

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 12:36 pm

OP, hugs! To share what I try and do when my kids act up is to hug them. They get the love, the sensory calming and it is a distraction of situation. Hugs are very common for me so not a reward of misbehavior at all. Or I will tell my child as soon as you stop crying I will give you a hug. I had a child that was very hard to hug at some stage, so was advised to put child on lap and hug from the back as starters - easier to start that way. Good luck!!

amother

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 6:34 pm

amother Clear wrote:

Can I ask which parenting course you went to ?

amother

Moccasin

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 6:35 pm

I do have to add I commiserate. Life with a PANS PANDAS AE kid can be HELL. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to her. Life's hard for her.

I gotta go now but I have amny tricks and tips to add to stay sane and be the best mother to this child that you can be.
I'll be back later.

( I have 1 kid with PANS roulette, ocd, odd adh and a mood disorder.
And another kid with ADHD.
As soon as infection and brain inflammation is dealt with, most of these alphabets fade away. )

amother

Cyclamen

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 6:55 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

Are you sure he doesn’t? Sensory Processing Disorder isn’t usually a stand alone diagnosis.

amother

PlumPink

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 7:13 pm

I have a daughter who is the same age and a less extreme version of yours. She has the meltdowns, when upset uses harsh language, is often inflexible, tough on her siblings, super messy/disorganized…so I really get you!

The main difference is that we have been working on my daughter since she was a toddler because we could tell she was more extreme than other children. We have read many chinuch books, spoken to many experts, taken courses, had dd work with different specialists (OT, executive function coach, therapist) etc, from that time.

We saw the biggest difference when we started working with a child psychologist when dd was in first grade. This therapist worked with us on specific responses to different situations and it really helped us diminish the quantity and length of time of tantrums/rages. At the same time she worked with my dd weekly and they did play therapy and worked on different coping skills.

This really helped us with consistency and clear boundaries for dd. But it didn’t correct all of it. We are now going into 3rd grade and getting a full neuropsych evaluation…we have been pushing it off for years but really feel it will help with clarity. We suspect she has ADHD and possibly anxiety.

It sounds like you need some real guidance! But I posted this to show you that you can get there. BH my daughter is a handful and strong willed and at times super difficult. But she also has so many amazing strengths and there are way more positive moments than negative ones!

Some kids are definitely more draining than others, she was given to you for a reason! You can do this! And once you start, you will see the positive changes and the whole household will be more relaxed.

amother

Hibiscus

Wed, Aug 17 2022, 8:09 pm

Op,

I totally feel you. My 9yr old DS was behaviorally pretty similar to your DD's. I was at my wits end. At the point of giving up. I reached rock bottom. Was at the process of getting an evaluation.
I was in therapy for myself for trauma/ self- esteem issues. I started believing in myself and taking care of myself. I saw the power in it. I so badly wanted my DS to feel good about himself. I realized that many times erratic behaviors are a result of the same issues I was dealing with. And I decided to give him the gift of a mother believing in him, loving him unconditionally, seeing his strengths and focusing on it, and send him positive vibes whenever I could. I found a space within me to do this. I empathized with him whenever I could. I looked at his baby photos and remembered how pure his neshama is. I begged Hashem to make my DS see his worth and capabilities to behave appropriately, and for me to believe he could and will be the best him. I visualized him in the future being the sweetest bachur. I realized his strength with art and helped him develop his talent. Naturally, my reactions around him changed. I started seeing him as a suffered human desperate for belief and connection.
I know it sounds too good to be true. But my DS is a different child. I love schmoozing with him. He is fun, loving, smart, witty, and full of humor. We laugh tons. We share private jokes.
When we reach a point where he gets stuck at times, rarely, we are able to get through it easily.
He has become one of my easiest children.
I am very seriously looking to put together a curriculum on this kind of parenting, because I really saw it work.
I'm not disregarding getting your child checked out medically, therapy, evaluations, or any form of outside help. But I am amazed at the power of us, moms. We innately know and feel what our children need, and once we tune into that we give them and us the biggest gift of a lifetime.