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Your hf autistic kid did he Marry and get a job
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:29 pm
Looking for Chizzuk and insight but I guess also the truth. If you have a kid that was high functioning autistic did he end up getting married? Does he hold down a job? Does he have kids? Can I expect him to lead an independent life? right now my son is in a main stream school somewhat managing but has trouble things through the day once he’s home. Right now for example didn’t go to school because of rain Gedalia and he is going to need me to give him full attention to survive the fast and wondering if he outgrow this and other behaviors.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:32 pm
And if I can also ask are there any programs or services for kids like this I live in Lakewood I don’t know a single family that struggling like I am in this situation. Is it just me? Am I the only one? How come I don’t see any kids in my neighborhood that are like my son. I am very isolated and alone in the struggle
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amother




Cantaloupe
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:33 pm
Following, the million dollar question...

I try really hard to enjoy today, I have time tomorrow to worry about tomorrow. I'm just terrified that life will just keep getting harder & harder
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:34 pm
I'm a HF autistic woman (who obviously used to be a HF autistic kid before anyone knew what it was)

I'm married, own my own home,have multiple college degrees, have been with a great employer for over 15 yrs progressing in my profession, have bh wonderful children including a HF autistic son.

Also, a LOT of my coworkers are clearly on the spectrum--because most find a home being engineers since all engineers are some level of socially out there and also just don't really care because we're practical.

It also took me until I was over 30 to use eye contact like a "normal" person.

Find a place/situation for the square peg to thrive as a square peg in a sea of round pegs is my best advice. Don't try to make the square peg into a round peg.
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amother




DarkViolet
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:39 pm
My brother is 25 and lives at home. He has an internship at a company having to do with his special interest, and we daven that he will get and actual job in this company/industry that will give him more independence. (He has no other ideas if this doesn’t work out, this is all he wants.)

He isn’t currently interested in getting married, and it has been difficult (increasingly lonely and restless) as his neurotypical friends and peers from the mainstream high school and 2-year beis medrash he attended moved on to getting married, so he doesn’t have the built-in companionship he used to have.

(OOT, not NY/Lakewood)
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amother




Eggplant
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 12:55 pm
Following as well. My son is now a young teen and I think about this a lot. I wish I lived near you OP, there are definitely more of us out there but it's very hard to find. Especially since my son too is "mainstream" school though he clearly is not like his peers, he's also not so clearly different.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 1:36 pm
amother NeonYellow wrote:
I'm a HF autistic woman (who obviously used to be a HF autistic kid before anyone knew what it was)

I'm married, own my own home,have multiple college degrees, have been with a great employer for over 15 yrs progressing in my profession, have bh wonderful children including a HF autistic son.

Also, a LOT of my coworkers are clearly on the spectrum--because most find a home being engineers since all engineers are some level of socially out there and also just don't really care because we're practical.

It also took me until I was over 30 to use eye contact like a "normal" person.

Find a place/situation for the square peg to thrive as a square peg in a sea of round pegs is my best advice. Don't try to make the square peg into a round peg.


Thank you how much do I need to get bogged down with 1 million details of being a frum teenager? Everything is hard for him he doesn’t want to go to Shewell because it’s black and white and he wants to see people wearing colors and it’s very boring crowded all so I don’t blame him a big struggle to fast How much should I make myself crazy to follow everything
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amother




Holly
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 1:49 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you how much do I need to get bogged down with 1 million details of being a frum teenager? Everything is hard for him he doesn’t want to go to Shewell because it’s black and white and he wants to see people wearing colors and it’s very boring crowded all so I don’t blame him a big struggle to fast How much should I make myself crazy to follow everything


Please, don't make yourself crazy and don't make your son crazy. Let him live a little and grow into the person he's meant to be. Accept his struggles and let him be the special person Hashem intended him to be.
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amother




NeonOrange
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 1:56 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you how much do I need to get bogged down with 1 million details of being a frum teenager? Everything is hard for him he doesn’t want to go to Shewell because it’s black and white and he wants to see people wearing colors and it’s very boring crowded all so I don’t blame him a big struggle to fast How much should I make myself crazy to follow everything


Get yourself a Rav with broad shoulders and a deep understanding of kids. It's been a life saver for us. It's so, so hard. Every single little thing. You need to have someone to talk each step through with as you go along.
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amother




Black
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 1:57 pm
Hf autism is an invisible disability which is maybe why you feel so alone. There are many teens just like your son in Lakewood but they look typical so you just don't know their struggles.
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amother




Sienna
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 2:01 pm
I am married to someone who is HF autistic. He was never diagnosed as a kid, but it is so obvious. Even his mother now realizes he has it.

He got married. He has kids. He's overall a great husband and father. He's still only working part time because he can't finish his degree. He's been working on the degree way longer than 4 years...

So I'll say about him that he is married, but he's never had a full time job. We are married for a decade.
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amother




Brown
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 2:03 pm
Not unique to autism, but in general focus on what’s actually halacha, drop the rest.

Encourage DS to try to go to shul for Barchu or Kedusha or Kriyas Hatorah. Offer incentives.

Otherwise let him daven at home. That’s also good. But if he resists davening altogether I’d find out which parts are most important and push those.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 2:18 pm
amother NeonOrange wrote:
Get yourself a Rav with broad shoulders and a deep understanding of kids. It's been a life saver for us. It's so, so hard. Every single little thing. You need to have someone to talk each step through with as you go along.


This is why I am turning to you women. I don’t have a rav that insight into kids like this. What shelf I make myself crazy over and what not
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 2:37 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you how much do I need to get bogged down with 1 million details of being a frum teenager? Everything is hard for him he doesn’t want to go to Shewell because it’s black and white and he wants to see people wearing colors and it’s very boring crowded all so I don’t blame him a big struggle to fast How much should I make myself crazy to follow everything


I hear you. Until my son was about 16, I pushed him more about shul, but I've backed off.

For him, it's sensory. The lighting is unpleasant (he and I both "hear" lights, but I deal with it better). Also, the hum of guys davening is grating for him.

So I encourage him, I try to get him to go more (without fighting about it). I try to keep a standard that he has to put on tefillin (on weekdays) and daven, make kiddush on shabbos/yt, hear shofar ,etc. If we had more shuls, I'd try to find one that might be more sensory ok for him. Sometimes I encourage him only for mincha/maariv since it's shorter.

I've found it easier to separate individual vs. community based observances when it comes to him. (ie davening b'yachid vs b'tzibur) Also, he has a very good heart and is eager to go to minyan etc when he knows he's needed for the 10th etc.----because even if he doesn't really care about davening in a tzibur, he does really care about being helpful.

I heard a rav once say that autistic people think a lot about Hashem, even more than neurotypical people. It may seem like they aren't interested in anything outside of themselves, because they aren't as interested in or good at people/communal things, but they think a LOT about Hashem.
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amother




NeonYellow
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 2:46 pm
amother Black wrote:
Hf autism is an invisible disability which is maybe why you feel so alone. There are many teens just like your son in Lakewood but they look typical so you just don't know their struggles.


This! My son doesn't present to outsiders like he's on the spectrum. He has a "social smile" as the psychologist termed it and years of group therapy and his own cognitive skills means he's better at small talk and masking. I've had to advocate for him more in the classroom because he just looks "normal" and can't get an IEP because he's academically/cognitively fine--so for example, if he's in a rowdy, chaotic class and just rushes through his work, it's not because he's lazy or just doesn't care. He's overwhelmed and needs to check out. Same thing with shul etc
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amother




RosePink
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 3:13 pm
amother OP wrote:
And if I can also ask are there any programs or services for kids like this I live in Lakewood I don’t know a single family that struggling like I am in this situation. Is it just me? Am I the only one? How come I don’t see any kids in my neighborhood that are like my son. I am very isolated and alone in the struggle

Try POAC Autism services. They are in NJ and have support groups, events, etc. Maybe they can set up something in Lakewood (although it looks like they have some upcoming events in Toms River) that your son can benefit from-- https://www.poac.net/about-foundation/
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amother




Lemon
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 3:30 pm
I would imagine it is very individual based on how it manifests and also what the person themselves has as a goal

FWIW there is a charming series from Australia called Love On The Spectrum which follows several autistic teens and young adults as they attempt to find their mates. There is a dating coach to assist them. There is also one season they shot in Los Angeles.

There is a range in the people and some are higher functioning than others.
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 3:40 pm
You could look into homeopathy. I’ve heard from quite a few people that it can help with autistic behaviors. If he is compliant, diet and supplements can help lots too. I know some hf asd adults who are married, have kids and jobs but they struggle in an invisible way and wish they could heal their brains.
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amother




Burntblack
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 3:45 pm
My brother is HFA and while not married (yet) he is well into completing his degree and pursuing internships.

I have met HFA frum men who are married with families. One obvious one is Ben SHapiro (though I don't know if he is actually diagnosed but he seems very HFA to me). Bu I do actually know happily married couples where both spouses have diagnosed HFA and they re very happy.

Try joining AANE they aren't frum, but hey have lots if resources and support groups for parents.

What I see that held my brother back for a long time (though he has worked thru a lot of it know) is the feeling that my parents never accepted him and where always trying to "help" him or "change" him. They did a therapy process together and a lot of the issues that where holding him back have been resolved.

There was also a lot of depression from feeling socially isolated and different then everyone, which has gotten a lot better as he has made relationships in his interest groups.

We did live in LKWD and he was mainstreamed - and the bullying nearly destroyed him. I believe that it is a very hard place to raise a non- neurotypical kid. He did much better when we moved OOT and felt welcomed and accpeted - though it did bother him that he was treated as a nebach - but it was much better then being bullied or ignored.

Also a big thing about HFA is that they reach certain emotional milestones later then the chronoclogical or mental age. So you can have a brilliant 22 year old acting like a young teenager. But at some point they cathch up and they reach the emotional milestones. my brother is now 26 and he is such a nice, kind, interesting, and thoughtful person too be around - but at 21 he was behaving like a belligerent 14 year old.
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amother




Burntblack
 

Post Wed, Sep 28 2022, 3:58 pm
amother OP wrote:
This is why I am turning to you women. I don’t have a rav that insight into kids like this. What shelf I make myself crazy over and what not


We are not going to be enough.

You need to find a rav with broad shoulders and a competent team of professionals.

Rav Gissinger was a great address, I don't know who else in LKWD can fill his shoes for this.

What does your husband feel about shul?

Is there a smaller warmer place he can go? When we moved out of LKWD shul became a place my brother could shmuz with people about his interests and fell valued for his intelligence.



Here is my opinion. Shul is something he will either do or not do regardless if you force him to.
I would tell him that you understand its hard, it is something that he has a chiyuv for and it is between him and hashem. Then let it go and use positive reinforcement when he does go.

What you cant let go is the emotional regulation and executive functioning skills. And there is a limit on how much negativity and prompting a person can take before rebelling or beginning the self loathing - destructive behavior cycle that lots of kids with HFA take.
Certain skills are crucaul for his lief- don't let up on those. Shul is not one of them.

NOW - if he wants to be busy with a the computer or his field of interest instead of shul, that's another story.
Learning to delay gratification is a crucial skill, and if he doesn't want to go because of something else, I would take that thing away for shil time.
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