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-> Parenting our children
DreamerForever
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 Mon, Oct 31 2022, 7:51 pm
| BrisketBoss wrote: | If he were able to then he would do it...
Ever heard of after school restraint collapse? Could easily be a factor here.
Playful parenting might be very helpful in situations like these. |
Does this mean when the restraint they practice in school 'collapses' or am I butchering this? I have a kid who's like that...
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BrisketBoss
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 7:52 pm
| dreamerforever wrote: | | Does this mean when the restraint they practice in school 'collapses' or am I butchering this? I have a kid who's like that... |
Yes. Very common. They can't just be 'on' all the time. They collapse when they come back to their safe person.
(Lucky for us, that's Mom.)
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DreamerForever
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 7:58 pm
| BrisketBoss wrote: | Yes. Very common. They can't just be 'on' all the time. They collapse when they come back to their safe person.
(Lucky for us, that's Mom.) |
Gosh my 7 year old is like this almost every day. bright, well-behaved angel in school, and she literally melts down the minute she walks through the door. I kind of understand it, but never knew it has a Name.
I try to look the other way even if she does crazy stuff, and soothe her (when she allows-- many times she can't handle me touching or talking to her; 'cos she's totally overstimulated) but it's a struggle.
Sorry for hijacking, but any tips for handling this?[b]
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amother
Puce
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 8:01 pm
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No tips but just chiming in that I totally get these kids. How are they supposed to sit in desks for a gazillion hours each day, for the whole year, and then act normal when they come home???
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Laiya
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 8:25 pm
| BrisketBoss wrote: | If he were able to then he would do it...
Ever heard of after school restraint collapse? Could easily be a factor here.
Playful parenting might be very helpful in situations like these. |
Sure, we all come home to decompress after a long day, kids included. And that's our goal actually, we want home to be that place for them.
But home being safe to decompress, shouldn't be confused with home having no expectations or rules. That actually creates an UNsafe environment, doesn't support children feeling secure, and it might be dangerous for others (such as spoons and plates flying through the air).
The worst part is that OP feels powerless at the hands of her 5 year old. That is not a goal.
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amother
Pistachio
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 8:27 pm
| amother OP wrote: | In school he’s great.
If I tell him he should go to his room he doesn’t listen. Should I drag him? And then hold the door shut as he bangs against it? |
The book 123 Magic has ideas on how to make timeout work
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amother
OP
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 8:48 pm
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This was his nature since he was little, well before he started school.
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amother
Catmint
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 8:53 pm
Is he very physically active after school? That can help.
Yes sometimes best for us to give ourselves a timeout 😉
Hugs and hatzlocha
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amother
Royalblue
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 9:11 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | This was his nature since he was little, well before he started school. |
Op I see myself in your situation. I've yelled more that I care to share. It doesn't help. Win the battle - lose the war type situation. It might make them stop this time. But over time they will the out your yelling and your taking. Im talking from experience.
Sometimes if I need to let out the steam of the frustrstion I'll yell-sing at the top of my lungs. It helps get the fight air out of your lungs and makes the kids giggle and also if they are laughing they are generally more compliant.
Is there something you can do to redirect his extra energy to?
Do you have a backyard where he can shoot hoops? Balls? Frisbee? Target practice with those target boards and velcro darts? It might satisfy his urge to throw in an acceptable way.
I find that those usual help, redirecting their energy.
Also, making them aware of it (age appropriate of course) can help them become more self aware and self regulate better as they grow older.
For now, to avoid the situation as much as possible, calling kids to the table once the food is already sitting there, keeping dinnertime to a minimum then getting his attention focused on acceptable things as soon as hes dode eating.
I know it can be hard. Very very very hard. But yelling just escalades the situation. (heaven knows I'm guilty of that. Oh and how. But every time I don't I celebrate myself. And bh is not often at all anymore)
One big no no in parenting spirited children (any child really) is threatening a consequence and not following thru. It can be horrible. I've btdt. You need to set boundaries and come up with consequences BEFORE the situation arrises. Calmly star theboundaries. If they are broken prearranged consequences that are followed thru calmly and with compassion (if they cry or get upset).
~ a mother of a child with ADHD another child with PANS and multiple other neurological children bh!
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amother
DarkViolet
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 9:23 pm
OP Hugs I have a 5 yr old DD who sometimes just makes me cry, I feel for you.
Over the past year I have done alot of research into her behavioral challenges along with OT for her and Therapy for me. The OT helped calm her sensory system while the therapist helped me create a plan on how to deal with her.
A big point my T said is the kids that push boundaries are the kids that are craving it. They are begging for you to not give in they want to feel safe and secure. Given that we implemented the time out rule for being "physical" anyone that hurts goes in a time out with me in the baby's room.
Hope it helps! Meanwhile hang in there!
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amother
Ultramarine
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 10:15 pm
It might just be behavioral. I just want to put it out there that my son went from being a super chilled, easygoing kid to being a wild, silly kid who wouldn't listen to a word I said. It was like nobody home type of situation. And the worst part was the throwing and dumping stuff out. I just couldn't keep up, it was destroying me.
To make a long story short, he eventually developed some gi symptoms. After visiting pediatrician, allergist, gi who all said he's fine, I took him to an alternative health practitioner who believed he had parasites. I treated it and within a short time, not only the gi symptoms got better but the throwing! It disappeared. When I mentioned it, I was told, yes, it's a common neurological symptom that can come from any type of pathogen in the body. Who knew?? Don't ask me why or how, but it's somehow connected. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never believe it either.
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amother
Seablue
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 11:50 pm
| amother Ultramarine wrote: | It might just be behavioral. I just want to put it out there that my son went from being a super chilled, easygoing kid to being a wild, silly kid who wouldn't listen to a word I said. It was like nobody home type of situation. And the worst part was the throwing and dumping stuff out. I just couldn't keep up, it was destroying me.
To make a long story short, he eventually developed some gi symptoms. After visiting pediatrician, allergist, gi who all said he's fine, I took him to an alternative health practitioner who believed he had parasites. I treated it and within a short time, not only the gi symptoms got better but the throwing! It disappeared. When I mentioned it, I was told, yes, it's a common neurological symptom that can come from any type of pathogen in the body. Who knew?? Don't ask me why or how, but it's somehow connected. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never believe it either. |
Can you share which practitioner you used?
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amother
Mintcream
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Mon, Oct 31 2022, 11:54 pm
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wheres @mushkamothers lol she usually has great insights
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imorethanamother
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Tue, Nov 01 2022, 3:08 am
| dreamerforever wrote: | In an ideal world, yes. But if a mother is either going to yell from frustration, and possibly say things she will regret... It's way better to remove herself so her anger doesn't 'spill over'.
She needs to decompress so she can come out more able to handle her kid. |
She’s not handling it any better by sobbing in her room and leaving all the kids to fend for themselves. Take the child and put him in his room. He cannot be allowed to take plates and silverware and chuck them across the room.
I’ll never understand why women act terrified of their little children.
Yelling doesn’t work. Setting consequences and limits and then sticking to them as neutrally as possible shapes behavior. Playing deferential to the whims of a tyrannical 5 year old because we mustn’t hurt his feelings is a level of parenting I can’t endorse.
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amother
Wheat
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Tue, Nov 01 2022, 3:30 am
| amother OP wrote: | He’s just a very active adventurous brave kid. Fun loving. The only thing wrong in his life (and it’s a problem, I am not minimizing it) is that I yell at him often because I can’t handle his wildness.
But tonight I didn’t. |
Please give yourself credit for that!
If he is coping in school and not at home, then likely he is bored at home and needs more activities and structure.
When he starts throwing stuff, can you get him involved in an activity? Even better, keep him busy so he doesn't get to that point?
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DreamerForever
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Tue, Nov 01 2022, 5:59 am
| imorethanamother wrote: | She’s not handling it any better by sobbing in her room and leaving all the kids to fend for themselves. Take the child and put him in his room. He cannot be allowed to take plates and silverware and chuck them across the room.
I’ll never understand why women act terrified of their little children.
Yelling doesn’t work. Setting consequences and limits and then sticking to them as neutrally as possible shapes behavior. Playing deferential to the whims of a tyrannical 5 year old because we mustn’t hurt his feelings is a level of parenting I can’t endorse. |
We should definitely not be terrified of our children! Of course a kid need firm boundaries and limits, but I looked at this case differently.
I don't know what the story was with OP; but I can speak for myself. Sometimes our kids' behaviours trigger us badly. Perhaps we're feeling very frustrated that day-- we're stressed, overtired, or feeling low; and a kid's behaviour is pushing us over the edge, and we're getting really overwhelmed. Instead of exploding at the kid, or doing something drastic and uncontrolled- it is best to remove ourselves from the scene.
This should not be our coping mechanism all the time! But on a day when we are not capable at the moment of acting rationally and calmly- this is the lesser of the two evils. Facing the kid and attempting discipline with all that angry or despairing energy boiling inside us is just gonna make it all worse. The kid feels all that, and will likely feel that he is the cause of ALL that stress/anger/frustration/resentment....
When really, his tantrum was the just the last straw.
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amother
Milk
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Tue, Nov 01 2022, 2:06 pm
Right now nothing
Your a great mom. Its ok
If this a problem in general might be time to brush up your parenting skills.
There a tons of books and courses out there.
Its important for your son to have boundaries (lack of boundaries= insecurity= anxiety) but yelling doesn't work and is harmful.
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amother
Snowdrop
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Tue, Nov 01 2022, 2:10 pm
| amother Ultramarine wrote: | It might just be behavioral. I just want to put it out there that my son went from being a super chilled, easygoing kid to being a wild, silly kid who wouldn't listen to a word I said. It was like nobody home type of situation. And the worst part was the throwing and dumping stuff out. I just couldn't keep up, it was destroying me.
To make a long story short, he eventually developed some gi symptoms. After visiting pediatrician, allergist, gi who all said he's fine, I took him to an alternative health practitioner who believed he had parasites. I treated it and within a short time, not only the gi symptoms got better but the throwing! It disappeared. When I mentioned it, I was told, yes, it's a common neurological symptom that can come from any type of pathogen in the body. Who knew?? Don't ask me why or how, but it's somehow connected. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd never believe it either. | So weird because I’ve noticed my son’s throwing increases when he has strep or there’s strep in the house.
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amother
Brass
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Tue, Nov 01 2022, 4:16 pm
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It's really great that you didn't yell today. That's awesome. It's so hard not to yell. It does sound like your son can use some discipline. Homes need rules. Without rules life is miserable for everyone.
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