Health-minded mothers, please don’t deprive your kids!

amother

Leaf

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 5:09 am

I definitely think that too much sugar, candy and junk food is bad for you but I still buy it and I’m happy for my kids when they get it from friends or school. Because it’s fun and tastes good! Obviously they should eat nosh in moderation but it’s not healthy for them emotionally to be told that they can never have any.
I was at a kiddush and saw a girl from the type of home op was describing. This little girl was grabbing chocolates and cake. She was stuffing her mouth and her coat pockets. She was really inappropriate and out of control. Other kids happily reached for a chocolate and also went to try a salad or get a piece of kugel.
I was once at a shabbos meal with a mother who considers herself healthy (in reality she’s very unhealthy and is raising unhealthy/emotionally unstable kids). She was yelling at her son to put down the second piece of challah because it has sugar and eggs in it! She yelled at her daughter not to eat the dessert because it is bad and will make her sick. When no one was looking one of her kids ran into the kitchen and started grabbing extra food from the counters.
These people have a real sickness. Although it’s good to eat healthy food there’s a healthy balance that they really have to learn before their kids grow up with uncontrollable behavior and eventually obesity.
I allow nosh as I said before. Obviously in moderation. I believe that because my kids know I allow it , it’s the reason they become so excited when I cut up a plate of fresh vegetables. To them it’s a treat and not a punishment to have to eat.

4g01o

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 5:43 am

amother Clear wrote:

OP, although your example is about a child from a health-minded home, please don't view this as specific to rice-cake-loving mamas.

I grew up in a home where I was deprived of treats and it had nothing to do with health. It was all about thin-superiority. Fat was a dirty word. My mother watched and calculated for every bite of food that went into my mouth. Not only did I not have treats - I was not allowed second helpings. I was not allowed to drink anything but water.

When I went on baby sitting jobs I would look for containers of cake icing in the pantry, eat the whole thing with a spoon and then hide it in the garbage.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I've been out of my parents' home for 30 years. It doesn't matter. I've been to nutritionists and read every kind of book and gotten therapy. Doesn't matter. I cannot eat anything but celery sticks without guilt. Ever.

This is SO sad, I'm so sorry for you Sad

amother

Steel

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 5:51 am

I'm a health-minded mother. I had 4 kids go through playgroup/preschool and there's no such thing as not sending something when they need to bring for Shabbos party. I'd send organic lollies or vegetable flutes or the 100% fruit bites or even carob-coated rice cake or popcorn. I don't think the mother is health-minded; I think she's a neglectful parent. From your descriptions, the kids seems to be hungry, not simply craving junk.

4g01o

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 5:52 am

happyone wrote:

OP. You have no right feeding the child food you feel she is being deprived of. Unless she is malnourished , parents are the only one that gets to choose. She was clear to you what's important to her, yet you went behind her back. I would not trust you as a teacher. And no, I'm not a crunchy mom.

I agree, it's really bad to do that.
Poor poor child, but I still wouldn't let them eat the Nash if the mother forbids it. Terrible though!

amother

Lilac

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 6:22 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

I bought some of my kids broccoli 🥦! For a Rosh chodesh treat. It's not cheap here, and they were so excited. But one DD and DH wouldn't go near anything too green .
And DH was bribed as a kid to eat spinach and other veggies, he can't stand them!

Not sure what you are trying to say.
I dont bribe- we all just try new foods in this family. And kid #1 who can't get enough junk likes certain vegetables. But still acts like we dont allow them to ever eat anything junky.

amother

Ebony

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 6:53 am

Honestly, I haven't seen what you're claiming to be true in my experience.

Of all the compulsive eaters I know, NONE came from health food homes. Most have underlying emotional issues, and come from homes where there was addiction. One of the compulsive eaters I know was 1 of 7 children. All the kids were given the same amount of junk food, but this one would compulsively eat it while the others didn't. In his case, there was probably a genetic component.

Trademark

Fri, Nov 04 2022, 7:02 am

amother Ebony wrote:

That argument is a fallacy. No one said that all compulsive eaters comes from health food homes, just that depriving children can lead to eating problems.

It's often pretty obvious to outsiders when children are deprived of nosh, they way they grab food etc.

amother

Ebony

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 9:43 am

Trademark wrote:

I don't know any In Real Life parents who don't allow any junk food. I'm believe that they exist, but in my community I don't know any. However, I know parents who "deprive" their kids of smartphone, tv, internet, etc, and I see the opposite of what you are saying. It's the kids who are given unlimited screentime who are the addicts always glued to their screens. Yhe ones who are restricted or not allowed at all, have, IMO, healthier childhoods.

People here (including myself) give their kids some junk food because, unfortunately, it is convienient, not because we would be "depriving" them otherwise.

IMO it doesn't even make sense to use the word "deprive" for something that us inherently unhealthy. Do you "deprive" your children of cigarettes?

amother

Cadetblue

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 10:03 am

amother Lilac wrote:

My point is that some kids just enjoy healthier foods, while others are attracted to junk. It does not necessarily point to a mother who's too healthy.

And that bribing kids to eat anything (or do anything) usually just backfires, which I think is something most of us know. (I hope)

amother

Fuchsia

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 10:19 am

I was brought up by a very health minded mother. And yes, I was that child who always tried to stuff myself at parties etc... but guess what? All children need help regulating themselves: some with food, some with sharing, some with lashon hara, you name it, children generally need help to adjust to society's expectations.
And me? As an adult I'm so grateful for how I was brought up. I naturally choose healthy food, I don't suffer from all sorts of food addictions that many of my friends do, I have a healthy relationship with food and make lots of tasty food for my famil . I'm bringing my children up the same way I was brought up, foodwise. I'd be very upset if a morah gave my child extra cookies, even if she did it with the best intentions - and I know my children will try to stuff their faces if allowed.

amother

Turquoise

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 11:00 am

I try to be balanced health-wise. My kids get candy on Shabbos, gum throughout the week, if they have a party in school or a friend gives them a treat they can eat it no problem but there's always a real lunch and supper, fruit and vegetables available etc.

One of my kids loves candy and will use every opportunity to get some. To the point that we stopped at a shul on Simchas Torah and my kids were given an ENORMOUS bag of candy. We continued on to our shul and while most of my kids put the candy bags away, this kid emptied it out on the table and counted it, showed it to everyone around her, talked about it, talked about it, and talked about the candy some more. And this is a kid who gets plenty of candy and I never take it away from her.

Then I got judgements from other people like to you every give your kids candy (like I must be depriving them if my DD was so excited about it) and comments that DD is eating so much candy. I was super embarrassed and know I was being judged but it just wasn't the case. This is just a kid with a massive sweet tooth and is extremely dramatic.

amother

Moccasin

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 12:11 pm

When I grew up I only got healthy snack like carrot sticks and carob rice cakes. My friends would beg me for my carrots and I would trade them for fruit roll ups. I try to give my kids balanced snacks some fruit, veg, pretzels and sometimes caramel popcorn or something like that.

For their birthday parties I'd send in something like potato chips and a prize like stickers or bubbles which they were much more excited about then a lolly. For their birthday parties (once in a few years) I'd make it lunch time and serve a yum pasta and cut up cucumbers and the kids loved it! I don't give candy at parties cause parents aren't there and I don't want kids stuffing themselves on candy. B"H most of my kids have better eating habits than me - they really enjoy healthy food.

amother

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 2:36 pm

amother Mint wrote:

I think the mother is a little crazy, but it's unwise to do what you are describing, deliberately giving her extra junk food that the mother has requested you not do so. Unless this is an independent daycare/playgroup you run on your own, if the mom finds out (and with a verbal child of 3, that's pretty likely) and complains to your employer/director your job may be in jeopardy. Just an fyi.

The parents chose to send their kid to this school. The school policy is to allow shabbos and birthday parties and the snacks are not junky- potato chips and frosted cupcakes for example. I am not looking to deliberately go against the mother but how can you allow a 3 year old to watch everyone else eating and not being allowed? I treated her just like everyone else and gave her more when she wanted. If her parents don’t want her eating in school, maybe they should find a different school which better meets their needs.

Also don’t worry about me being fired- I was advised by the principal to act the way I did.

amother

Acacia

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 2:45 pm

amother Ebony wrote:

There is a huge difference

People who shelter there kids from smartphone understansd that it is something that THEY need to do. I am very health minded, but I know that once I send kids to school I need to let go - because I can not expect a 3 year old to have self control. I also wouldn't send my 3 year old to a friend who is watching movies and expect them not to. The reality is that there will be more opportunities to "gorge" on sweets then there will to "gorge" on screen time.

Therefore, it is my responsibility to make sure my kids are exposed and don't feel deprived of the things there peers have.

And BTW - I believe this of screen time as well. We do not have any screen time at home, but it is allowed at grandparents and cousins homes.
From watching my peers and relatives it seems to me that kids are more likely to end up watching things that we would never approve up behind there back when it is either totally forbidden or totally unregulated. Kids who had minimal or moderate exposure seemed less likely to seek things on there own

amother

Melon

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 4:15 pm

I’m not especially into healthy food only, however, why do schools have to give out so much junk food? Nourish the children with nutritious lunches and snacks. I’ll never understand a school that gives out candies full of artificial flavors and food coloring and then complains that the children can’t sit still.
To the OP, if the parent doesn’t want the child eating certain foods, it’s not your place to give it to her especially in large quantities. That’s just wrong.

We only eat kosher food, right? So how would u feel if u hired a babysitter, provided a kosher lunched, advised her not to give non kosher and then she said this child is so deprived! She never had a cheese burger and then went ahead and gave her non kosher?

amother

Melon

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 4:57 pm

amother Acacia wrote:

Your child is only 3. When they are 12 and up, there is plenty of opportunity to get screen access. It’s not difficult at all. For both foods and screens, it’s important to educate your children so that they want to make good decisions. If you’re limiting it, also important to explain why and how to do it.

amother

Firethorn

Sat, Nov 05 2022, 5:06 pm

I dont give my kids junk but if someone gives them a candy I wont take it from them.
my kids are really little if they get a pekel in school from a birthday party I let them eat wtvr they want but as soon as they go to sleep its in the garbage and in the morning its forgotten about.
Same with purim all junk goes in the garbage wtvr is left over at the end of the day
I dont think I am depriving my children