WWYD supporting learning saga - we just found out

amother

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 5:59 pm

We assumed the girls side would offer much more support for some reason they're not and my son's not sure what to do and begging us to help him yes they're engaged so no turning back Can't Believe It

It should have been discussed but we assumed that bc they're very well off they'd be generous- it's not always the case and she's not going to know the first thing about penny pinching and saving.. I feel so stupid and annoyed 😒 we're planning on getting them on govt programs but I'm concerned she's used to a certain standard of living - even if she says she's fine living simply 🙃

amother

IndianRed

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:05 pm

amother Puce wrote:

How about they both get jobs! Gee what a novel idea!

Sorry, but if his plan and dream is to stay in learning full time, and they girl/parents knew this before the engagement, then it's not so simple to just say he should get a job.

amother

Currant

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:07 pm

In the olden days, the supporting parents gave them an apartment or a room in the house.

In all seriousness, you’re child is in a bind. He has to decide what he wants more, her, or full time learning. Big decision. He should probably talk to his rabbi

amother

Peach

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:13 pm

amother Puce wrote:

How about they both get jobs! Gee what a novel idea!

I'm sure OP already thought of this, probably both of them want a learner. No need to be so obnoxious to OP. Maybe he can learn and do some tutoring at night. There definitely needs to be more of a conversation about this between the couple.

DVOM

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:14 pm

Oh boy. That sounds so difficult.

Was there ever any sort of explicit conversation about financial support during dating?

If not, than the girls side did nothing wrong. You made assumptions.

Time for some cold, hard calculations. Can your son live a frugal kollel lifestyle? Sounds like he was expecting something softer, easier. Can his bride?

What's more important to your son? A life with this young woman? The supported kollel lifestyle?

If he chooses to marry her, he really needs to do a lot of soul searching so that he doesn't resent his bride or his in laws for not giving him the financial ease and comfort he'd expected.

amother

Peach

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:14 pm

amother Currant wrote:

You don't break a shidduch over this!

groovy1224

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:19 pm

amother Puce wrote:

How about they both get jobs! Gee what a novel idea!

Or how about people not open threads about things they already know they don't jive with? Another novel idea..

(And I'm not from a kollel background btw, nor is it something I plan on for my kids. I just find these kinds of comments annoying)

amother

Currant

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:23 pm

I would not break a shidduch over this. I don’t live this lifestyle. However, his dreams of the life he envisioned were just shattered. Can he handle that? What will he do to handle it? Can his future wife handle a life of potential poverty? Will her parents be a wedge between them? These are bigger questions than imamother. I think a conversation with a wise person will give more clarity.

amother

Linen

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:25 pm

Perhaps set up a meeting with the other side, and have an in depth discussion. Presumably they don’t want to break off the shidduch either. You can negotiate with them, or ask someone more experienced like a rav to assist you.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:27 pm

Why in the world are people talking as though breaking it off over such a reason is a normal or halachically acceptable thing to do? Look at the kesuba - OP’s son is responsible to bring in the parnassa, not to learn all day and night without needing to bring in any income. Breaking a girl’s heart over something so vile is just so wrong. I’m disgusted.

chestnut

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:31 pm

What help is your son begging you for? To pick up the difference monthly or for advice what to do? What are the choices, in his opinion?
I do hear your concern about the girl having used to a higher standard of living. I hope she isn't counting on continuing living the same way...

amother

Catmint

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:31 pm

OP, I would suggest you have this conversation with someone wise and experienced, not with the imas here - like the very first response you got, there are so many different types of women here, so many just don't get it. Speak to your Rav, and maybe, if he advises it to be a good idea, meet with the mechutanim.

amother

Quince

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:36 pm

I don't understand why they need "support". One paycheck is enough to cover expenses for a young couple. (My husband learned for the first year of marriage and we managed just fine on my paycheck). So what? She'll be living paycheck to paycheck? That's what kollel life is all about. Wanting the best of both worlds is immature and entitled.

amother

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:40 pm

Let's say she doesn't have a full-time job or earning nearly enough to pay rent, car gas ... they still need help... she knew he was learning and she said that's what she wants if she was able to work and they could live decently on her salary we wouldn't have this issue.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:41 pm

amother Catmint wrote:

amother

Quince

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

So then she needs to grow up and get a full time job. They should look for a cheap apartment and cheap car. No excuses.

agreer

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:43 pm

Let them get married and learn the hard way that life costs money.

Either they will figure it out together, which IS the IDEAL, or they won't, and she'll go to her parents for help.

If you can't afford to help him, you shouldn't.

BUT... it is the husband's obligation to provide for his wife, not his parents or her parents, and your son should know that.

If he won't give up learning and she wants him to learn, she will either start living simply on the government stipends or get a job.

It is not your problem. You need to tell that to your son, in a calm and loving way, that you can't afford to help right now, and that he does have options.

Mazel tov.

amother

Snow

Wed, Nov 09 2022, 6:44 pm

Are her parents offering any support at all? What about you?

It's not your issue if she will be fine living a frugal life. If they have no money that is how they will live.