SAHM v. Working Moms - Children’s Outcomes

amother

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 10:34 pm

Do you see a difference in children who’s mothers are home full time (raising their children themselves and not by a babysitter) versus children whose mothers worked full time and had childcare? Is there a difference in middos, intelligence, relationship skills, Yiddishkeit, etc? If you did one, would you do it again or do the other based on children outcome or is there no difference and it doesn’t matter?

Also, please write what you did.

amother

Violet

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 10:37 pm

We have some neighbors that are working mom's and some that are home. My observation is that the kids that their mom's work, especially the kids that their mom's aren't home when they leave or come home from school, are more out of control than kids who's mom's are more present.
And very often, adults that have attachment issues, are the one's who were latchkey kids.

hodeez

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 10:40 pm

I don't differentiate. There are mothers who can handle their kids and mothers who can't, regardless of their employment. I think this whole argument is moot. You can't extrapolate because parenting is so personal, and staying home full time does not mean you are a good and attentive mother. It just means you're home all day.

amother

Anemone

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 11:47 pm

I do coaching and work with many mothers, both SAHM & WM.
I see the being present for the kids as being a personality.
Some Stay at home mothers are just not in tune to the kids, are preoccupied regardless of being home all day. Some working mothers do alot with their children and are more structured and Nourishing.

amother

Tuberose

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 11:58 pm

I’m a former working mom and current sahm

Baruch Hashem, it’s a gift that I am very appreciative for.

I don’t parent differently.

The change I noticed instantly was that I no longer carried the stress of work and it’s constraints on my time at home.

amother

Phlox

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 12:07 am

I teach very young children (5)
And I see it straight away.
Though part time working moms and sahm I see similar outcome in the children.
I work part time and grew up with a sahm.
I wished to provide that fir my children, but I have a different tafkid

amother

Leaf

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 12:21 am

amother OP wrote:

(raising their children themselves and not by a babysitter)

Btw a mother who works is not having a babysitter "raise" her children.
She's raising her own children, and leaving them in the care of someone else while she goes to work.
If she's not "raising her own children", there are other issues, not having a job.

amother

Molasses

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 1:00 am

I worked in a daycare with chdren 0-6. I saw alot of differences at different stages. The babies who had mothers working full time seemed more delayed. The biggest delays we saw was in language. The babies seemed to be lessn clingy more easy to changes in caregivers. I saw it as a bad thing some of them didn't look to excited when their parents came to pick them up.

The older kids we also saw much more behavior problems in the full time moms. Kids coming to daycare very sick because the mother couldn't take off. Less of that post covid. More behavior issues in kids that are shuffled around. When the babysitter dropped off the kid in daycare.

The daycare wasn't only for working moms but that was a large chunk of the clients. A Sahm who had 5 under 5 also was a terrible situation. Though over the years I notice these kids would withdrawal instead of act out. The ideal situations were moms who gave themselves space between kids and either stayed home or worked part time.I think these mothers had more time for self care and that made the difference.

*this was my observation from working many years. There are always those mothers that either are mentally not their or or distracted. Social media Isthe biggest distraction

amother

Seashell

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 1:26 am

I think a lot of it is also the personality of the child. As a SAHM, I used to think my kids were more secure in that they knew I was always available so they could go out into the world and be super independent knowing I would be there when they came home. We had no issues with school drop off even on the first day and my kids would happily go to grandparents for the occasional sleepover even at a young age. And then came my youngest who is super attached to me and always wants to stay home from school, runs to me at school pickup, and refuses to do sleepovers at relatives.

amother

Caramel

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 1:58 am

This is unfair.

One one hand, as long as the mother is healthy and has decent parenting skills, then of course her children would be better off if she was a SAHM

IF

They still had a sufficient source of income.

BUT

In many cases where the mother is working, the family NEEDS her income.

Also there are some women who are not cut out to be full-time moms. They don't have the patience, the energy, etc, but if their kids are in childcare most of the day, then they can force themselves to "fake it" for the few hours a day they are with their children.

If you take these two groups, (1) where the family needs mom's income to exist and (2) where the woman does not have a mothering nature, and forced those women to be SAHMs, the outcomes would be very bad.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 2:45 am

I think this thread is not in very good taste.
First off, not every parent has the choice to stay home.
Some mothers are better mothers when they are not home all day.
There are so many variables and reasons for either being or not being a sahm. There is no one way that is black and white better than the other.
And definitely not all children who have working mothers have something negative about them. Thats just silly.
It all depends on so many different factors.

amother

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 6:42 am

amother Leaf wrote:

I meant mothers who are staying home and do not have a babysitter watching their children while they are home too.

amother

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 6:47 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I understand that people don’t have a choice in the matter for a whole host of reasons. I was just curious about peoples observations.

amother

Teal

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:47 am

amother OP wrote:

I understand that people don’t have a choice in the matter for a whole host of reasons. I was just curious about peoples observations.

Such observations are equal to assuming who has a happy marriage and who doesn't. The external presentation is just a mere cover. You don't have any internal insight about the players and setup of the home. There are so many other additional factors and other stuff in play, that using observations in this case is nothing more than child's play.

amother

Cognac

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:55 am

I am a SAHM who wouldn't consider leaving her kids with a babysitter. I often babysit other children when their mothers work. However, I don't see a big difference between children of SAHM and working moms. I see a difference between children of different kinds of mothers, but working doesn't make someone a failure.

One thing I do see is that if a mother works too many hours, then the kids suffer. The kids whose mother came home from work after they were in bed at night definitely suffered and it showed in their behavior. The kid whose mother went back to school after work hours so he needed to go to another babysitter after leaving my house was suffering.

But just mothers who worked regular hours, no I don't see much of a difference in their children.

amother

Blueberry

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 9:56 am

I think the biggest benefit my children have that I'm a SAHM is less stress in the house. Getting the kids out while also getting ready and preparing to drop off a baby was very stressful for me.

flowerpower

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 10:05 am

amother Anemone wrote:

This!!!! It’s all how involved you are with your children.

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 06 2022, 10:10 am

I don't think as an outsider anyone can really know what's going on in someone's house, such that they can determine whether those kids being better or worse off is because of this or that.

I also don't like the judgement of other peoples' parenting their kids that this thread's question invites.