I have NO ONE to tell:(.. my son was suspended fr

amother

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 11:58 am

From school.

He was extremely physical with another boy.
My husband was the one who dealt with it.
He picked him up because I was working

He has v mild special needs.
School is always a struggle, but we are on the same page that when something like this happens he gets sent home.
Its not the first time.

Im super upset and I have NO ONE TO SPEAK TO.
Maybe this should be in sholom bayis yhread, so if you blocked that threas I apologise.

I can barely speak to my husband about it.
If I show any emotion he tell me off or makes fun.

I just want to go in my room and cry and cry.
I just want someone, anyone to understand me Crying

amother

Viola

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 12:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

I can identify. My son is also sent home from school... he's been home for weeks and I can't tell people for different reasons.

amother

NeonPurple

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 12:14 pm

amother Yarrow wrote:

There are many family therapists who guide parents with difficult children. Can you get him help in school to manage better? An aid?

As a parent who has a son somewhat similar to op’s, I can guarantee you that they have reached out for help already. I find this suggestion very triggering. Obviously when we are dealing with a challenging child we have reached out for help. I just want to cry when someone asks me if I would take my son for therapy. He is already a teen and has been to 10 different therapists. Thanks for the suggestion though…

amother

NeonPurple

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 12:24 pm

Op, when my son was suspended I was shaking. None of my kids or brothers were ever suspended. I was so distraught. My son was suspended together with another boy. After a few days I reached out to mother. We actually both felt that the situation wasn’t dealt with properly. I was inspired by the other mother who said she will spend quality time with her son. Her plans were to take him shopping for much needed clothing, go out for lunch, buy him ice cream…. I was so glad I spoke with her. My plan was to have my son sit in his room bored because he was officially punished. At the end he went back to school feeling good about himself and enjoying a little extra attention. I took the opportunity to go over what went wrong with how he acted the day he was suspended and he realized how he could have acted better. Had I not shown him love and TLC he probably wouldn’t have been receptive to my mussar.
Your son was born with his challenges. It’s hard for him in the big world. People don’t understand him. Don’t spend the week punishing him. Spend extra time showing him love and he will be more receptive to change.

groovy1224

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 12:27 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wait can we address this. Why would he make fun of you??

Of course you are emotional about this, it's such a hard position to be in! What does your son say happened?

amother

Yarrow

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 12:31 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

I have such a child too. I was just trying to be helpful. Based on conversations I had with friends these things weren’t always obvious. If it’s not helpful she can just ignore my comment.

amother

Pistachio

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 12:36 pm

Uch. I somewhat relate. I know how painfully lonely it is not to have your husband's support in this. It hurts so bad sometimes. Hugs.

My daughter has struggles that are not her fault, but she is struggling greatly in school and they are talking about kicking her permanently if we cant get things under done control. And shes already in a special program, there are no backups if this doesn't work.

Shes on meds and gets therapy and we are increasing both, but it's SO HEAVY to deal with. My husband doesn't make fun thankfully, but hes out to lunch. He basically thinks she can be in a regular class with out therapy and meds, and her problems would go away if we'd just be tougher on her. And he's resentful of all the appointments and $ involved. So I carry this alone.

amother

Molasses

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 12:42 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

Sadly enough, my sibling has two kids that are out of school, and she is resistant to getting them (and herself - she needs it badly) help.

I wish it were obvious.

(but asking her if she has gotten help leads to further stonewalling, so it's not a helpful question anyway.)

amother

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 1:44 pm

Thanks so much for the replies.

My husband dealt with it all, but then wont speak to me because Im such a downer.
Obviously I am not.

Hel speak to me when HE decides Im giving him the right 'calm' vibes.

I know Im allowed to be sad right now and Im ok with it!!
I know my feelings are ok!
I just wanted to be able to be upset for a bit and then try and work with it and move on.

Its temporary bh.
Its happened before and will probably happen again.
Im not annoyed at the school.
They did the right thing at the time.
They needed to be a bit cleare and hive more info but that will come hopefully.

I cant tell anyone not cos of the stigma just because no one will appreciate me telling them just because Im so upset.
I cant put it into words
Who would you tell ,other moms who've btdt??

Cant tell my mom, shel probly just offer solutions blah blah
My older sister will tell me he is just a difficult kid you have to work with him..

amother

NeonPurple

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 2:01 pm

I usually have no one to tell but sometimes things will come out with the most random person
One reason why I usually can’t even discuss things about our difficult son is because my husband turns the whole thing into him. Why does HE have to deal with something like this? HE went through so much in HIS life, how is HE supposed to handle this now?? All the self pity instead of supporting each other and trying to figure out how we should be handling things.
No one else really understands. They blame us or write it off like it’s no big deal.

amother

Tulip

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 3:25 pm

What does “extremely physical” mean?

And while this is painful, this is extremely necessary. It’s pretty much guaranteed that a lot the your son’s class knows what happened and why he’s not in school right now, so don’t worry about keeping things super secretive. You need to step up the help he’s receiving, which is actually a good thing that he’s not burdened with school, and probably look to another school that can service special needs.

I’m seeing a lot of parents of kids with “mild” special needs throw their kids into regular classrooms with the expectation that with some very minor supports this is a good working solution. There’s a fear of being labeled as special needs. There’s a fear of stigma. But unfortunately left untreated, the stigma comes anyway.

What have you done so far to help him manage his frustration? Maybe this chat can help identify better therapists or resources. We are here to help! And in a year or so, when your son has made amazing strides, you can take the credit where it’s due because people will be very impressed by someone who works on themselves and changes.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 3:51 pm

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amother

Catmint

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 4:49 pm

Probably time to find him a new school. You don't have to wait for them to ell you to move on. If there are too many incidences where he needs to be sent home, he is unhappy and probably not in an appropriate school

amother

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 5:29 pm

Im not obligated to disclose here but I will share that we do not dig out heads in the dirt and we have btdt about all the diff options.

He has a diagnosis and school are fully aware.
We have seen ed phsychs therapists specialists etx and its still ongoing.

Not sure why Im clarifying or answering this.
I have given a tiny sliver of my life.
Just because I didnt say more, it doesnt mean it isnt there
I could write pages more but I came here for support and validation, not questions and suggestions, because, like it says in my post I havent told anyone else and its very hard for me.

amother

Catmint

Thu, Dec 15 2022, 6:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's why I suggested a new school. You don't owe me any explanation but I feel like I owe you my advice. I was in a similar situation and I feel like I saved my son's life by making the switch to a better school. If you live in Brooklyn and want to hear more, you can email me at imamother888@gmail.com