Wedding of child who only has one living parent

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 3:18 pm

amother OP wrote:

That is not the situation here. The living parent is walking the child down the aisle, but is asking for a married couple to join. I am wondering if the married couple joining is necessary, and/or if it's based on halacha or minhag. This parent spoke to a rav and this is what they were told. That a "married couple" must join. My question is, that I know several divorced parents walk their children down the aisle, so I cant make sense of this whole thing.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies and experiences.

Some rabbonim hold that it must be a married couple. That's how my rav holds and so that's what we did by my wedding. My mother walked me down with my brother and sister in law.

If this is what her rav holds then this is what she must do. Why do you have such a problem with it?

amother

Daphne

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 3:49 pm

amother Dahlia wrote:

Dh's mother was an almana. Dh looked into the question of it having to be a married couple but it was not a requirement. My mil walked dh down together with her brother in law, who was married, but he was close with dh. Ashkenaz yeshivish.

Anyway if the living parent wants a couple to join, what's the problem? In our case, my mil and dh were not comfortable with a married couple joining.

The way I've seen it, the couple walk on each side of the child with the parent on the outside. Some people might be uncomfortable with it. If this is a psak that one received, I respect it and they should walk b'simcha.

amother

Daphne

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 3:50 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

1000%.

amother

Lightpink

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 3:54 pm

My husbands grandparents walked down to the chupa(our community is the fathers walk with the chosson and mothers with the kallah) but his father stood under the chupa with us as well as his grandmother in place of his mother. His grandfather went and sat with the other grandparents present.
His father didn’t walk him down but stood at the chupa waiting for him to arrive.

amother

Phlox

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 3:54 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

40 years ago, my mom and dad got married and were walked down men with the chosson, women with the kallah.

My father had both parents then, but my mom only had her mother.

They chose another married couple, my mother's uncle and aunt, to walk down, but my grandma did to. So it was my father's father-father (chosson) - mother's uncle, but for the women it was my father's mother - mom (kallah) - mother's mother - mother's aunt (4 people). My grandma wasn't giving up her chance to walk her daughter down!

My friend had divorced parents. They both walked her down the long aisle, and then right before the chuppah, her married BIL and sister joined them and brought them directly under the chuppah.

I do believe this is all minhag, because another friend I know had both parents deceased.
She was walked down by her younger, unmarried siblings. No one had any issues with that.

My parents are divorced and I did the same as your divorced friend. My mother asked a shailah and this is what we were told to do.

amother

Tiffanyblue

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 11:59 pm

amother OP wrote:

Different rabbanim say differently. Everyone should ask their rav and do accordingly, which is what it sounds like the parent is doing here. If it helps you, my rav said the same thing. I walked down with my mother, my aunt and the wife of my husband's rebbe (he didn't have anyone either - his couple was his rebbe & wife, mine was aunt & uncle) - officially my mother wasn't the untirfirer but she held my hand anyhow and my aunt went next to her.

So yes it's definitely a thing to do like that. Some people even hold that it should only be a couple with good shalom bayis as you are bringing the new couple into their marriage & I'm too tired to explain the rest lol. Some people are comfortable doing as I did and some prefer/hold that it should be done strictly as only the official couple next to the chosson/kallah.

Iymnok

Thu, Jan 05 2023, 12:09 am

DH’s parents were niftar before we met. He flew in a couple whom he was very close with. She and my mother walked me, he and my father walked DH.
He grabbed DH’s brother to walk with them. So DH walked in a row of four men. But that was because BIL didn’t know anyone and we are happy he got a little recognition.

amother

Mulberry

Thu, Jan 05 2023, 12:15 am

Some people do the 2 father's walking the chatan and the 2 mother's walking the kalla.

I was recently at a wedding where the chatan's father is not alive, so the 2 mothers walked the kalla, and the kalla's father and the chatan's uncle walked the chatan.

Elfrida

Thu, Jan 05 2023, 1:46 am

I was at a wedding where the kallah's father had been niftar when she was about eight, and about five years later the mother had remarried. The mother and her second husband walked her down. The deceased fathers parents walked with them, to represent him. The mothers parents (not frum) also walked, because if the other set of grandparents was joining in, why should they be left out? And finally the second husbands parents joined because, well why not? They had been her grandparents for the past ten years, and all the other grandparents were walking her, so they did as well.

She walked to the chuppah amidst a cloud of people who loved and cared for her, and were happy to be a part of her simchah. They are a family who are very learned, and very strong in observance of halacha, but don't care much about social conventions.

Under the chuppah they sorted themselves out, and only the mother and stepfather remained under the chuppah with her.

amother

Daphne

Thu, Jan 05 2023, 5:38 am

amother Topaz wrote:

It's all minhag. There are no musts here.

Personal angle - I think it's disrespectful to consider a single parent "not enough" to walk his/her own child to the chuppah.

I get this, but since it's so entrenched in some communities - this is what's done - I don't think people take it personally and probably don't even think about it in that way while they're walking down.

amother

Dahlia

Thu, Jan 05 2023, 5:41 am

amother Daphne wrote:

I'm not sure it's a matter of a psak. My understanding was that this is not halacha in the first place, whether it's minhag or not even on the level of minhag.

Definitely ask, but if you're uncomfortable, explain your position and discuss it with the rav.

fleetwood

Thu, Jan 05 2023, 5:46 am

amother Buttercup wrote:

I have a big problem with it because my widowed mom would have a problem with it. She would be devastated having to share that moment with a married couple just because she is no longer married. I would never hurt my mom that way.

amother

Black

Thu, Jan 05 2023, 8:48 am

MIL was niftar before the 2 youngest were married. by the first (in the year of aveilus) BIL wanted MIL's parents to walk down so his mother was represented. but fil wanted with his mother cause he felt that he couldnt walk with his MIL. so that's what happened.

BIL2 married MANY years later. At that time FIL remarried. Grandmother couldnt walk anymore. BIL wanted FIL and wife to walk so he could have his father (no sisters). They asked a shaila and were told it's all minhagim. Whatever makes the chusson happy. and so it was FIL & wife)

very chassidish.

But I've heard that it should only be a married couple in their FIRST marriage. (so if this is a child of a second marriage even with both parents. Another minhag is not to walk a child a second time if they remarried. Also, pregnant ladies shouldnt walk their children. So many minhagim.

amother

Violet

Thu, Jan 05 2023, 8:52 am

My obviously pregnant SIL walked her DD down to the chuppah. As you said, it's all minhag and everyone should ask their own Rav how to do it.

My grandfather was niftar before all my aunts were married. We do men with chosson so it was my uncle who took the place of my grandfather, but with the kallah, my grandmother walked her down (with the mechuteniste).