Is Simcha hospitality dead these days?

amother

Mint

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 11:27 am

Good question. I have a lot of family in bklyn. And I'm expected to find a place to stay every time there is a Simcha. Yes my parents live there and have a huge empty house, but unfortunately cannot host us anymore. Not in that age and stage anymore. I have siblings in bklyn, no they cannot host us (2 of them have 2 bedrooms with kids at home.) Others can't host for other reasons. The one that could host lives in a very undesirable neighborhood 2 + miles from the shul and hall. We did it onc. Nice again. Was horrible. Although I love spending time with my sister!

Also, in the past I was so upset when most of the family would just go to hotel together. It's like $300+ over shabbos. I could barely afford my rent and grocery. There was no way we could afford that and then we were left out. The kids all had a grand time only of kids were left out. Was so painful.
Now that we can bh afford to go, we're left out once more. Whatever.

We missed a few simchas. It doesn't even dawn on dhs family to ask if we have where to stay....

amother

Pistachio

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 12:08 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

It's still done in my OOT community, but I think you can't expect this everywhere.

It probably does (and should) depend on some factors.

1. Availability of hotels in walking distance.
2. Size of typical simcha and typical number of out of town guests.
3. Frequency of simchas with many out of town guests.
4. Size of community itself and extent to which people know each other.

I think that's a huge factor. If it is so frequent that you have to stretch yourself every week, then it becomes too much for most people.

amother

Lightcoral

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 12:22 pm

amother Diamond wrote:

I live in Baltimore.

I recently made a bar mitzvah and people graciously opened their homes for my company to stay for shabbos.

I also have a spare room that I happy lend to neighbors for their extra yom tov company and simchas.

Hello from Baltimore! I also host others for simchas and have no problem finding people to host when we need it. BH for good neighbors.

amother

Peony

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 12:26 pm

giftedmom wrote:

I think many people had bad experiences hosting and are burnt out

Agree and I don’t think anyone should feel entitled to have strangers put them up, it’s not easy, not always doable for whatever reasons and people have a right to not be able to give up their privacy, their homes or whatever else it is that makes them unable or unwilling.

OP, they don’t owe you anything.

amother

Forsythia

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 12:27 pm

amother Pistachio wrote:

I think that's a huge factor. If it is so frequent that you have to stretch yourself every week, then it becomes too much for most people.

Yup. We do host from time to time, but I couldn't do it every week or even every other week. DH and I both work full time, we have young kids. I'm still nursing. It's just too much. In 8-10 years, I could see myself feeling up to hosting twice a month or so, but not now.

amother

Purple

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 12:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

Regular suburban community where people live in houses. And we had been hosted by locals there before, although now that I think about it, last time that happened was pre covid, so maybe something the changed. Also, the hotel wasn't so convenient. It was over a mile away from the shul where everything was happening. Or maybe the family member just didn't want to bother asking around an arranging (not the same family member as the last time we'd spent shabbos in that community). I also was raised with the value of hachnassas orchim, and that it's not a question if you're hosting a simcha you arrange places for people to stay in the community and there are plenty of people happy to open up their homes. Obviously individuals vary and not everyone is cut out for this particular chesed, but I just find it hard to believe that it's an entire frum community that nobody wants to host.

Sorry
But no
And that’s very offensive
I was also raised with the value of Hachnasat Orchim as taught by our father Abraham Avinu
But in our town where there are sooooooo many hotels close to our Shul, I will not be asking for ppl to go out of their way to host 100s of my guests.

For those that do host kol hakavod
Are there hotels near by, less than 0.5 miles.
That makes a HUGE difference

amother

Steelblue

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 1:11 pm

My family is going to a bar mitzvah next Shabbos in a NY neighborhood and we are being hosted by a family. In fact, I think it will be the same family we stayed at last time we were in the neighborhood for the previous bar mitzvah and it worked out really well so I'm excited to stay there again.

The following Shabbos we are going to be in Israel for a close family bar mitzvah and I believe we are also being hosted by a family. I know our relatives booked up all the possible Airbnb's in their area but it's a relatively new neighborhood and there aren't enough for everyone coming so some of us are being put up in people's homes just for Shabbos. I think it's a little different in Israel where space is at a premium as opposed to suburban homes that have dedicated guest rooms.

We live in suburbia and have a small basement guestroom that we happily lend out for simchas. It doesn't have it's own bathroom though, so people tend to put up at nicer places or closer to shul first. We also lend out our house to certain neighbors we trust if we will be away for Yom Tov. Actually, our shul recently put together what they called a hachnasis orchim registry where members could voluntarily state how many guest rooms they have available and how many people they can accommodate with any details needed (bathrooms, cribs, etc.) to make it easier for families who are making simchas to find hosts. There certainly no hotels within walking distance of us.

amother

Eggshell

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 1:12 pm

I live in an apartment community. The only people who can possibly put anyone up are empty-nesters, and they're unlikely to be able to put up a whole family because the apartments are just not that big. We don't have the luxury of empty guest rooms, granny pods in the backyard, apartments in the basement or attic and so on. People are fully aware that they won't be able to have OOT guests--meaning people who are not in walking distance--and either make their simcha on a weekday when people can drive, or just have a smaller simcha.

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 2:17 pm

amother Purple wrote:

There are very very few frum communities with hotels close by, so my money is on "no".

Out of curiosity, which community has so many hotels close by?

amother

Brass

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 2:19 pm

In light of many recent events people often do not feel so comfortable putting people up to sleep over.

Sad.

Understand it though.

And even many suburban homes do not have a dedicated guest room and space can still be at a premium due to large families etc.

amother

Purple

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 2:19 pm

amother Saddlebrown wrote:

There are very very few frum communities with hotels close by, so my money is on "no".

Out of curiosity, which community has so many hotels close by?

I’m in south Florida

Of course if there are no hotels near by and it’s Shabbos the invitation is not really an invitation, but maybe extended out of obligation

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 2:32 pm

amother Purple wrote:

I’m in south Florida

Of course if there are no hotels near by and it’s Shabbos the invitation is not really an invitation, but maybe extended out of obligation

Nope.

I've been in all sorts of places and almost none have hotel option.

Nevertheless,
Most people making a bar mitzvah have their siblings+kids and married children's families for shobbos. If it's shobbos sheva brachos they host the muchatanim and siblings in law. Maybe for some baalei simcha it's obligation, but most want their family around!

Because communities value helping the baalei simcha have their loved ones, people in the community host their neighbors guests. In return, they are also able to have their own loved ones for their shobbos simchas . because it's in the social contract that we all help eachother out - people are "allowed" to have family members come and be hosted. In the end, people extend themselves a little bit but everyone wins.

That's what community is about.

amother

Babypink

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 2:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

Also, the hotel wasn't so convenient. It was over a mile away from the shul where everything was happening.

Really out of line for them to expect you to pay for a hotel, plus walk over a mile there and back. I think it’s fair for them to say that they can’t find you accommodations but then they need to be ok with you declining the invitation. They can’t have it both ways.

Fox

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 2:43 pm

Thirty years ago, I regularly hosted people who were in the neighborhood for simchas. Nowadays, I rarely offer.

Why?

Because the standards have increased exponentially. Guests expect hotel-like accommodations. A number of families in the neighborhood have remodeled their homes to include en suite guest rooms with private bathrooms and sometimes even sitting rooms. This is a tremendous mitzvah, and these families should be commended for their commitment to hachnoses orchim. But it has raised the standard significantly, and fewer and fewer guests are willing to stay in what is really just a family home.

After being asked repeatedly about private bathrooms and the like -- and being told that "it just won't work for us" if those amenities aren't available or "we'll call you if we don't find anything else" -- I've stopped offering so much.

amother

Forsythia

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 2:59 pm

Fox wrote:

BH this has not been an issue for us IRL yet, but reading imamother makes me nervous. Our guest room is our basement playroom. It has a private half bath only and contains a lot of toys. There is one bed and one pullout sofabed, not two regular beds. Our guests so far have all been laid back and appreciative. But it would definitely change my perspective on hosting if people expected something hotel like.