Is Simcha hospitality dead these days?

amother

Camellia

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 3:24 pm

Fox wrote:

Thirty years ago, I regularly hosted people who were in the neighborhood for simchas. Nowadays, I rarely offer.

Why?

Because the standards have increased exponentially. Guests expect hotel-like accommodations. A number of families in the neighborhood have remodeled their homes to include en suite guest rooms with private bathrooms and sometimes even sitting rooms. This is a tremendous mitzvah, and these families should be commended for their commitment to hachnoses orchim. But it has raised the standard significantly, and fewer and fewer guests are willing to stay in what is really just a family home.

After being asked repeatedly about private bathrooms and the like -- and being told that "it just won't work for us" if those amenities aren't available or "we'll call you if we don't find anything else" -- I've stopped offering so much.

This makes a lot of sense to me. In CH where I live people don't have extra basements, if they have a basement it's rented out. If people would be ok to have a regular bedroom in a regular house, there probably would be more hosting. Although I do want to say that if I had a home I would be uncomfortable hosting someone random near my kids and sharing a bathroom. Too many crazy stories out there.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 3:25 pm

amother Purple wrote:

Sorry
But no
And that’s very offensive
I was also raised with the value of Hachnasat Orchim as taught by our father Abraham Avinu
But in our town where there are sooooooo many hotels close to our Shul, I will not be asking for ppl to go out of their way to host 100s of my guests.

For those that do host kol hakavod
Are there hotels near by, less than 0.5 miles.
That makes a HUGE difference

Most people I know aren't putting up 100s of guests by their neighbors. It's usually just close family that is being put up for Shabbos, and the rest are guests in the community invited just for meals. I host other peoples' Simcha guests whenever I can, and B"EH when I make a Simcha, I know they will reciprocate if they can.

I think if someone invites a guest to a Simcha and the guest will have to pay for hotel accommodations, it's up to the guest to decide if they will accept that invitation or not. (same for plane tickets, etc...) The host has to know that the guests might decline the invitation due to budgetary considerations.

amother

Zinnia

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 3:45 pm

Fox wrote:

This. 100%. The standards have gone up. People expect it to be more comfortable than many people's actual homes. En suite or private bathrooms? Expecting fancy linen sets, snacks in the room, private areas to sit/play... oh and don't forget the mini individual shampoos and toiletries. Because it is "gross" and "unthinkable" to share a shampoo bottle as if they never use the same hand soap bottle when at someone's house for lunch and they need the restroom.

Lower expectations and more people may be open to extend themselves.

amother

Cinnamon

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 3:52 pm

Someone asked me to host for her family simcha. We were away and coming back Thursday afternoon and the guests were supposed to come Friday. They called and asked to come Thursday night instead. We got home exhausted, rushed to make up the room for them. They arrived close to midnight! I didn’t even see them, I fell asleep and my husband let them in. Friday morning they left to visit their relatives and again I didn’t even see them, I was awake but I guess in another room. The husband called my husband later and said they decided to take a hotel room for shabbos. My sister said probably it’s because I don’t have a private guest bathroom.

Later this same women asked me to host for another family simcha, this time a few bachrim. A few minutes before shabbos she called and said they wanted to stay with family and would crash on the couch.

Now when I get asked to host I usually say no.

giftedmom

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 4:06 pm

There are multiple perspectives here. There’s the perspective of the Baal simcha that wants/expects to have family members at their simcha. Then there’s said family members who for whatever circumstances isn’t always coming willingly or happily. Maybe they don’t really get along with the Baal simcha and are coming not to cause drama. Maybe they have four little kids under four and they’re pregnant or depressed or whatever. Maybe they just drove for 3 hours and everyone threw up and they had to make multiple stops and sat in traffic for an hour. Maybe they’re having many simchas Kah and are exhausted. Maybe they/their kids are used to their bed and routine and they get cranky when they’re not home.
Then there’s ofcourse the host that is putting themselves out there and rightfully expects gratitude.
What they need to realize is that for the most part they’re not doing the favor to the guests, they’re doing a favor to the Baal simcha. The guests often just get an address and don’t know what the conditions will be like. Not everyone wants to share a bathroom with people they don’t know and have to come out in the middle of the night in their pjs, on top of whatever circumstances they’re in.
Many people can’t see past their own perspectives.

amother

Cinnamon

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 4:10 pm

But since I can’t communicate in advance with potential guests, the baalas simcha needs to ask me what my house is like and confirm her guests are okay with it. Otherwise I end up doing lots of work for nothing and feeling embarrassed.

Oh the time a guest came and left before shabbos because I had a newborn and she can’t handle hearing crying anytime on shabbos (I don’t mean while sleeping…)

giftedmom

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 4:21 pm

amother Cinnamon wrote:

Ideally yes
Unfortunately there isn’t always the best communication. We were once put up in a cheap hotel and my kids all came home with bed bug bites…
Not every baalas simcha really cares about their guest’s preferences. They just want them placed and zehu.

amother

Viola

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 1:37 pm

amother OP wrote:

The last few simchas in my family we didn't get put up with local families. We were directed to hotel info where a block of rooms was booked. It was too expensive so we didn't go, then we had upset family. I said what happened to placing people with local families, was told its too hard and nobody does that anymore. In my community this is still done, but wondering about other places.

I live in a place where people have apartments. I used to host families when my kids were younger but now it’s a very tight squeeze

amother

Leaf

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 1:43 pm

In Israel it is very rarely done. I saw it exactly once where one family was having a ton of family over, and some of the family stayed at a neighbor's house for the Shabbat. Once. They were Moroccans and had been close neighbors forever.

I would never think of asking my neighbors, and I can't imagine them asking me.

I've also seen where during a hot summer, the electricity went out at one person's house, so they asked if the grandfather could stay at the neighbor's (where the AC was working) so that he would not suffer. That kind of "emergency" situation would be within the social norm here.

chanchy123

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 1:48 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

In the Israel I know, and have lived in my entire life, this is very common. I grew up with people hosting families for Simchas and just stam families from out of town.
In places where people have small homes, they’ll usually leave their house for guests when they’re away. In communities with large homes or empty nesters, many times you’ll be hosted while the hosts are home.

I’ve been hosted like this a a million times.
I wonder where you live where this is not done?

amother

Aster

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 1:49 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

My inlaws neighbours very kindly gave up their apartments when my inlaws have had simchas. They do this without being asked. They literally go to my mother in law and say we know you have a simcha, we'll go away that shabbat so you can have our whole apartment.

Its amazing chesed from big families who it's not easy to go away for shabbat. This is in Israel. Really beautiful to see.

amother

Magnolia

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 2:32 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

We live in Israel - in a fairly large yishuv - and host regularly, as do our neighbors. It's also common for people to post to the shul WhatsApp list that they're making a simcha or expecting company for some other reason, does anyone have rooms to spare. I don't know what kind of community you're describing.

Alternative

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 4:46 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

It's done in yeshuvim mainly. I've lived in a few different cities and have very very rarely seen it done in an urban area, even when it's a more upscale neighborhood with private houses.

amother

Burgundy

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 6:07 pm

When my non frum family makes weddings or bar mitzvahs it's very common for them to have a hotel block of rooms and out of town guests are expected to pay for the rooms themselves. Usually there's a group rate. I don't think hosts should have to pay. But they can't expect you to attend either. Also 1 mile is kind of far...

I think it's a beautiful thing that frum Jews open their homes to others, but I can see how it can be hard to find hosts, especially if you don't host yourself. I can see us making non-shabbos celebrations when possible because it's a lot to ask and organize.

amother

Leaf

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 7:45 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

It's common to host strangers from Shabbat.com websites, or through a shul WhatsApp group, but other than once I've never heard of asking neighbors, and I've NEVER heard of people leaving their apartments while on vacation and leaving them open for guests.

I live in an apartment building in the city. I don't know most of my neighbors' names. I am on a "friendly basis" with all of them, but have only ever been to one neighbor's house (our kids play together), but even with them it would never have occured to me to ask them to host my visiting family.

amother

Cognac

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 8:54 pm

I live in the Lakewood area where everyone is happy to host. There was recently a Simcha where almost everyone was asked to host. Most of us offered 1-2 bedrooms, and an additional 5-7 people showed up at our doors. Let’s just say it wasn’t a very cheerful crowd at the kiddush that Shabbos, and we will never again host for that neighbor.

amother

Currant

Sat, Jan 07 2023, 10:47 pm

amother Cognac wrote:

Huh? So like they told ppl that they were sending 2 people and 7 showed
Up? At multiple homes??!!