Is Simcha hospitality dead these days?

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 3:06 am

amother Leaf wrote:

It's common to host strangers from Shabbat.com websites, or through a shul WhatsApp group, but other than once I've never heard of asking neighbors, and I've NEVER heard of people leaving their apartments while on vacation and leaving them open for guests.

I live in an apartment building in the city. I don't know most of my neighbors' names. I am on a "friendly basis" with all of them, but have only ever been to one neighbor's house (our kids play together), but even with them it would never have occured to me to ask them to host my visiting family.

I live in beitar illit not a small yishuv. There are always people hosting and asking for places. There are a few places to rent but not enough and usually pretty expensive. I haven't made a shabbos simcha so I don't know how it works but I've seen people put up signs in the buildings nearby asking about apartments for sleeping.

chanchy123

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 3:29 am

Alternative wrote:

It's done in yeshuvim mainly. I've lived in a few different cities and have very very rarely seen it done in an urban area, even when it's a more upscale neighborhood with private houses.

I’ve lived in cities where this was common practice as well as been hosted in (other) cities. But I guess the places I lived were not upscale neighborhoods.

What do people do when they have a simcha? Do they exclusively all just go away?

amother

Linen

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 4:15 am

I live in a city in Israel and it's very common to host guests for other people's simchas. People will even call the baalas simcha and say, "I'm going away for Shabbos, feel free to use my whole house." There are rentals but it's more common to have your guests hosted in people's guest rooms.

I made a bar mitzvah recently and all my guest stayed in people's guest rooms. I did rent one apartment and put a few people there and the one couple who came for a few weeks rented a place on their own.

But it's definitely common to host and we reciprocate for each other.

amother

Leaf

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 4:57 am

chanchy123 wrote:

So in my community, if it's a Shabbos bris, it's just known that it's gonna be a smaller affair. Grandparents will stay with the family, but there just won't be uncles, aunts, cousins, whole extended family, work friends, etc. In general, my community does more modest parties. I had a non-Shabbos bris and it was nice seeing friends of mine from different cities come, but I wouldn't feel ripped off if I had another son who needed a Shabbos bris. I feel like the bris is a big deal because of the mitzvah, and if there is a party, that's the icing on the cake.

When people do come from OOT for a wedding etc (wouldn't be on Shabbos, but would have distant relatives coming in farther distances and not wanting to drive home at 1 am), they pay for their own hotel. I've actually never heard of baalei simcha paying for the hotel. Usually the hotel will give discounts for groups, and put them all next to each other.

amother

Celeste

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 5:43 am

I live in Yerushalayim and although most people don't have space to offer a room, I recently made a bar mitzva and one older couple offered to have my kids to stay so I could host my guests (she didn't feel comfortable sharing a bathroom with a strange couple), plus 5 or 6 younger families were going away and offered use of their apartments, some for free and some asked a minimal fee.

But it's true the standards are lower. They do not provide linens, drinks or anything at all. I sent over linens, tissues, bottled water and cups etc.

If the standards were leaving a hotel style suit including closet space and linens, people wouldn't be able to do it. Also this only really works Friday night because people go away for Shabbos a lot to parents and siblings. During the week accommodation is a nightmare.

I was called by some seminary girls last week who wanted to come for Shabbos because they had a family simcha in the area. I felt bad, but where should I put them? On the floor in my open-plan dining room? Should I move 5 kids out of their bedroom into the dining room to give them the bedroom? I have a decent size apartment by Israeli standards but I really don't have space for guests.

amother

Cognac

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 7:39 am

amother Currant wrote:

Huh? So like they told ppl that they were sending 2 people and 7 showed
Up? At multiple homes??!!

Yes. And that is one reason why people who are happy to host think twice.

amother

Leaf

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 7:44 am

amother Cognac wrote:

Yes. And that is one reason why people who are happy to host think twice.

That's really weird. Anyone who's ever hosted knows it's not just about beds, but also how much food to prepare, do I have enough room at the table and chairs for everyone, etc?

Were these young women frum? If they were secular, I could imagine them thinking hosting was just sleeping arrangement, and not realizing it was also meals (secular people could have planned on eating out).

Chayalle

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 9:16 am

amother Chartreuse wrote:

My brother used to live in Beitar. When my neice got married, we stayed in the beautiful apartment of a family whose son was getting married a month later. They went away for Shabbos, and my brother went to his MIL a month later, when they needed his apartment for their Simcha. My brother told me the went to his MIL a few times for different people who were all trading their space for each other's Simchas....

aussie2

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 11:58 am

Living in Baltimore and many ppl host neighbors guests for simchas etc..
The neighborhood that I live in doesn't have many large homes.. (My basement is not that big either but I try to host when I could.. It's not newly redone either so I have had ppl come check it out and basically say no thanks..)

My parents just made a simcha recently in Jackson, NJ and the level of hachnasos archim there was beyond amazing to me.. (Granted many of these ppl had large homes.. but the way my siblings and I (were all married with a bunch of kids..) were put up.. We were all discussing how hosts went out of their way to be soo so accommodating. It really impressed me and we were all so appreciative.

kenz

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 6:40 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

This. 100%. The standards have gone up. People expect it to be more comfortable than many people's actual homes. En suite or private bathrooms? Expecting fancy linen sets, snacks in the room, private areas to sit/play... oh and don't forget the mini individual shampoos and toiletries. Because it is "gross" and "unthinkable" to share a shampoo bottle as if they never use the same hand soap bottle when at someone's house for lunch and they need the restroom.

Lower expectations and more people may be open to extend themselves.

I don’t understand this - who gives these lists of demands? The baal simcha or the potential guest? IME, the baal simcha is just trying to arrange accommodations and make sure the guests will be reasonably comfortable, and the guests don’t even speak to those graciously offering accommodations in their homes until it’s all arranged. When are all these demands happening?

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 8:02 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

I don't think people are hosting tons of people for a shobbos bris.

But, yes for bar mitzvah, Auf ruf, shobbos sheva brachos.

amother

Leaf

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 11:28 pm

amother Saddlebrown wrote:

I don't think people are hosting tons of people for a shobbos bris.

But, yes for bar mitzvah, Auf ruf, shobbos sheva brachos.

More family, cousins, aunts and uncles, etc will come in for a Bar Mitzvah than for a Brit. The family hosts who they can, which may just be the grandparents, and in my community it is way normal that of course the Bar Mitzvah boy leins on Shabbat, but a party for him is held at a more convienient weekday time.

Sheva brachos are small where I am anyway.

I don't know what an Auf ruf is...

amother

Candycane

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 1:26 am

aussie2 wrote:

Sounds so nice! What area in Jackson is this?

amother

Anemone

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 1:37 am

I live in Lakewood.
I've been hosting guests for neighborhood simchas for over 15 years.

Originally in my tiny apartment, when I was away for Shabbos or Y"T, I had people staying in my master bedroom and tiny children's room.

Now that I'm in a house, I have a guest room, we give to neighbors all the time. My house is not big, it's not super private, it doesn't have its own bathroom. People are always happy!

And if I'm away for Shabbos or part of Y"T, I have very many times given my whole house to families for their simcha/yom tov guests.

I have always had wonderful experiences.
People are always so grateful, non-demanding, make it like my simple accommodations are 5-star...
Maybe once or twice in all these years did I come back to a slightly less clean home than I left.
Often, the only sign that anyone was in my house when I return is a thank you note or gift.

Here's to continuing simcha hospitality for many years to come!