Feeling a bit weird - my child is now sharing a name

amother

Brunette

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 10:43 pm

I’d feel disappointed too. It’s ok for feelings to be somewhat illogical. Maybe if they’d named their baby first you’d have chosen another name. Gam zu letovah and I’m sure you’ll adjust. But there’s nothing wrong with your feeling that way.

amother

Orange

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 10:53 pm

amother OP wrote:

First off, I fully understand no one owns a name, and that this should be my worst problem in life.

My last name is very unusual. My husband's family, and one other family, are the only people with this last name. We live in the same community as the other family, attend the same shuls, events, dinners, etc, but we are unrelated.

My husband and I had a baby. Another couple our age in the other family had a baby after us, and gave theirs the exact same first name. To be clear: I fully understand they have every right to do that, and I'm not upset with them. However, I can't help but feel upset at the inevitable frustration this will cause. Now there are two kids the same age, in the same social and geographic circle, with the exact same first and unusual last name.

There's a decent chance they will go to the same school and be in the same grade. Or the same camps or programs. And even if they don't, they are guaranteed to have mutual friends/acquaintances. I feel like my child is now set up for a lifetime of "which one? That one, or the other one?" or "not that one, the other." I'd feel differently if it was a very common name, like Jacob Cohen or something, but these are going to be the same two people getting constantly mixed up for each other. Neither of us has any plans to leave this community, but even if one of us did, there are still so many family and friends intertwined with us both.

Those are my practical concerns. On an emotional level, I also feel a bit sad, like I lost something in being "___ ___'s mommy." Because now I'm not the only one who can say that; there's another practically around the corner. I know that's coming from an irrational place so I'm trying to ignore those feelings. It's just that no one else with this last name shares a first name, and that's what I expected to continue. It'd be one thing if it was some random person born in a few years across the country, but not so close to home and so close in age.

I'm not really sure what I'm looking for. Chizzuk? Tell me I'm overthinking it? It's helpful just to type it out, so thanks for letting me share at least.

We have this. The thing is, we didn’t start off in the same neighborhood, but our kids started off in the same school, and we were constantly being confused. Their child is a year older than ours, and we didn’t even know them when our child was born! Now, they are older and in different schools, but we use some of the same doctors!! How confusing is THAT!!! The other mom and I are friends now, since we moved to this neighborhood. We moved when our child was in second grade and theirs was in third. They are both in high school now. People still mix our kids up sometimes, but they (the kids) and we laugh it off.

amother

Coral

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 11:18 pm

OP,

You are 100% reasonable! You realize you don't own the name, but being upset is totally legitimate!

Do you and the other child's mom have the same first name? I'm assuming not, because otherwise you would have probably said so. Has anyone pointed out yet, that your kids DON'T have the same names in Gd's eyes?

Your kid is Eliyahu ben Sarah Shifra
Her kid is Eliyahu ben Shoshana Raizel

The fact that you both have the halachichally meaningless legal name "Goldfarberstein" is... halachichally meaningless.

**Everyone, if it's not clear, I made all the names up for the example.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 11:30 pm

Op, I also can relate. It would take me some time too, to work through my feelings. That's ok!

I shared a name with a relative much younger than me. Both first and last. Both unusual. I was absolutely devastated when the parents named this girl! Those feelings stayed with me for years, though tbh I was a kid then. But I had those feelings till I was "grown up." I felt way better after I got married and had a different last name Wink

amother

Khaki

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 11:34 pm

You are normal for struggling with your feelings. But don't worry, stop overthinking. I know 2 children similar situation, all through school together, etc, it became a special bond/joke they shared and are friends for life. It can go any direction, just enjoy your child. You will feel better with time.

amother

Sun, Jan 08 2023, 11:46 pm

Thank you again for all the replies and sharing your anecdotes! I'm feeling a lot better. I can't say I'm not still a little bummed, and if it were up to me I'd rather it not have worked out this way, but it's not up to me Very Happy

BH I have the best little boy in the world and I don't need to look for problems that don't exist.

amother

Azure

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 12:06 am

As a teacher I one time taught 2 little girls with the same exact 1st and the last name and they were not related and the names were also pretty unique in order to tell them apart what I did was I put a little symbol such as a flower near one and a And a diamond near the other and I would call them malka flower or malka diamond and the 2 little girls loved it! I They even learned how to write their names with this little symbol near it. t also gave them a bond and they became really good friends.

amother

Tan

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:44 am

Op I totally get you.
I grew up in a small family where no one shared names, my parents would never give a name if a sibling or niece/nephew had it they still think it's weird when people do that. In my husband's family it's normal for every family to name after the same grandparent, even call the same nickname and it took some getting used to for me that my kids have several cousins with the same name.
What made me feel better is I created email accounts for my kids with their names so no one can take it from them. I considered creating social media usernames as well but I didn't want to encourage it and I can't keep up as new platforms are created so I just stuck with email. I use it as an RSVP for upsherins, bar mitzvahs so it comes in useful as well.

amother

Orchid

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 8:53 am

Use a nickname. Problem solved.

But I do get it, I had this within the family, several instances.

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 9:20 am

I'm from a smallish community and have a very unique first name. When I was in high school a girl very close to my age moved in with the same first name. Now it's just a joke, like if someone asks do you know Shprintzi from Small Town, you just ask "which one". Or if people say they know another person with my name I know exactly who it is.

I also work with someone who has almost the same first and last name as me, it's off by one letter (like Chana and Chava) and we just laugh about it. I know it's sensitive now, but in the long run it might just be a cute thing they share.

You had your ruach hakodesh and they had theirs. Maybe it's even connected to where you live, that your town needs two people with the unique brachos of that particular name because it's so powerful.

amother

Rose

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 1:04 pm

I have a child with a unique first name and more generic last name, but the first name was from my side of the family so it was unlikely that there would be any cousins with the exact same name. Through extremely unusual circumstances, a relative with the same last name ended up giving their child the same first name. It was so unusual that they called us before and asked us if it's ok (we said yes). In our case, I was a bit uncomfortable with my child having a unique name so in a way I was happy that someone in the family would share the name. Now that my child is a bit older s/he is SOOO happy to share the name and takes great pride in being the "big" one. And I like having it sound like it's a "family name" even though its not.

That being said, I've had *many* other naming disappointments, usually postpartum (the worst!) and I can assure you as my husband did many times, this too shall pass. Sometimes I still feel a twinge but even that is fading. BH each child is unique with a unique neshama and the name takes after the child, not the other way around.

amother

NeonPink

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 1:13 pm

One of my kids has two kids in his class with the same first and last name. They are called benny A and Benny B
No biggie

amother

Amaranthus

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 5:53 pm

I had this feeling when a friend used a very similar unique name. Your feelings are your feelings, and that's okay. It's silly but if people comment on it, DH and I just say "ours was first!" So you'll always have that Smile

and the feelings did fade.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 6:21 pm

Very common in big families with special names that get repeated.
Hugs and hatzlocha!

socialbutterfly

Mon, Jan 09 2023, 7:01 pm

Totally feel you OP. I’d be a little annoyed too.

salt

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 1:44 am

Not entirely answering your question, but I have a friend with a VERY unusual name. No one else has it. We were once at a camp together, and there was another girl with my name. So this friend asked me "how does it feel to have someone with the same name as you? Is it weird?"
Don't know why this thread just reminded me of that story.

Your kid will be unique anyway, lots of people share a name, it doesn't really matter, it just feels strange to you now. At some point they'll each go their own ways and no one will remember.

Iymnok

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 2:24 am

I have me 1 person with my name that uses it. (And one that uses the common English version)??I really love my name and would love to meet others with it.
Your child will grow up thinking this is normal. Think of all the Sarahs, Tamars and Chanas. Especially with the last name of Cohen.
They will be fine. It does hurt a bit that the beauty of the uniqueness has been lessened. Hopefully there won’t be any negativity between them.

amother

Holly

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 2:54 am

I totally understand you OP

I had the exact same name as a classmate. It was a super common name and I knew another 4 girls with the same name (cousin, neighbor....)

We were called Insert Name 1 and Insert Name 2.

I was 2 and I hated it. On all the test papers I handed in, I had to write My Name 2. All my books were labeled My Name 2. When we were chosen for parts in play, on the list was My Name 2. When a girl from another grade asked my name she had to ask are you 1 or 2? It was embarrassing for me.

I had really low self-esteem as a child so could be that is why it bothered me so much... I felt like I'm #2 and worthless...

If it would be my child I would try not to project onto them that it bothers me as a parent. Instill confidence in them and build their self-esteem. And if you see it is bothering them, have an open conversation about it, how it can be hard but they are their own special person.

amother

Ginger

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 3:36 am

I have a super common first name and I married a man with a super common last name so now I have the most generic Jewish name ever. But I use my maiden name as a double last name so it differentiates me from the hundreds of other people with my name.
Gave my kids very unique first names because of our generic last name.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Jan 10 2023, 3:57 am

Op, can I just say how impressed I am with you. Your entire attitude is admirable. You are full of dlkz.