First cousin's weddings

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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section

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amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 2:55 pm

Do you attend every first cousins wedding that's in a different city?
I'm having an impossible time getting sitters lately and I'm seriously considering skipping weddings that are in a different city. I don't know what to do.

amother

Forsythia

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you do not have a close relationship with the cousin, don't sweat it.

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:29 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

If you do not have a close relationship with the cousin, don't sweat it.

I don't have any relationship with those cousins getting married now, they're almost 20 years younger than me. I go more for my aunts and grandparents.

amother

Forsythia

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:34 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't have any relationship with those cousins getting married now, they're almost 20 years younger than me. I go more for my aunts and grandparents.

In that case the cousins are pretty much interchangeable. Presumably you've shown up for other weddings of theirs and will again in the future. If you are having a hard time making it to this one, I wouldnt worry about it.

amother

Mulberry

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:42 pm

By different city do you mean brooklyn to monsey? Or farther? I live in NYC and I will go to any wedding in NY/NJ. It's important to me and it's nice when I make a simcha and family shows up.

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:43 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

But I'm made to feel like I'm doing the worst thing by skipping a wedding..... sometimes it's just impossible.

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:45 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

By different city do you mean brooklyn to monsey? Or farther? I live in NYC and I will go to any wedding in NY/NJ. It's important to me and it's nice when I make a simcha and family shows up.

Monsey to Brooklyn/Lakewood. Travel alone can take 3 hours round trip.
I would also like to not skip weddings, but sometimes it's just not possible. If I don't have a sitter, what should I do? Or if DH has to work night shift?? It's hard enough even if I do manage to find a sitter. DH gets home from work at 7 after traveling an hour only to have to turn right back. And he works from 5 AM. Bh for weddings. But when it's every other week or every month, it's becoming impossible.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:47 pm

Are the people who are making you feel bad offering to subsidize your babysitting?

Tell them how much it costs to attend, they may have a change of opinion.

Ema of 5

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

I only have a handful of first cousins who live in the same state as me. Most of my first cousins also got married before I did. The ones who got married after me….the ones who got married in NY I think I went to all. The ones who got married out of NY I think I only didn’t go to the ones who got married in Israel. Some my husband and I went together, with whatever kids, and a couple I went to myself, with whatever baby I had at the time.

amother

Azalea

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:50 pm

amother Mulberry wrote:

By different city do you mean brooklyn to monsey? Or farther? I live in NYC and I will go to any wedding in NY/NJ. It's important to me and it's nice when I make a simcha and family shows up.

Even thats hard. 1.5 hrs travel x 2. Minimum time at wedding is an hour

$15 an hour for sitter = $60 plus gas and toll

Bh we already had 2 this winter, 3 upcoming. Between 4 sides.
Some local some not.

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:50 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Are the people who are making you feel bad offering to subsidize your babysitting?

Tell them how much it costs to attend, they may have a change of opinion.

Money isn't the issue. It's just impossible to find a babysitter and if DH has to work nights, I have no way to attend.
And in general, DH work schedule with frequent weddings bh don't work together.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

Money isn't the issue. It's just impossible to find a babysitter and if DH has to work nights, I have no way to attend.
And in general, DH work schedule with frequent weddings bh don't work together.

If it is impossible to find a babysitter, than you can't go.

Or maybe you go to your relative's weddings, and DH goes to his relative's weddings.

Maybe you can get a ride with others.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 3:55 pm

For out of state, I’d go by myself and have DH watch the kids. I don’t think he needs to shlep out for every simcha for the other side, especially if he occasionally works night shift. It sounds like you don’t drive, is there another family member nearby that you could get a ride with?

cupcake123

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:00 pm

I have the same issue I stopped going although I feel guilty about it.

amother

Scarlet

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:09 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm with you on this. We have many a year, usually an hour away ( never less than 45 min with no traffic). I try hard to go but sometimes I can't so I don't. From my side I have multiple nieces & nephews weddings each year which means also attending shabbos etc as mandatory so bh we're busy with traveling & babysitters at those times already.

I do what I can but the guilt is always there.

Once I went out of my way to attend my aunt's daughter's wedding & a couple weeks later I met this Aunt in the street & she goes " I missed you at the wedding..." Crying

Trademark

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:20 pm

amother OP wrote:

But I'm made to feel like I'm doing the worst thing by skipping a wedding..... sometimes it's just impossible.

You're absolutely not obligated to go.

I would say it depends on family size and how often you have weddings. If it's once a year I would make the effort to go.

amother

Cappuccino

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:22 pm

No, I don’t always go. In some cases I’ll call the aunt a few days later to wish mazel tov and say I wish I could have been there. Definitely call the grandmother if she’s still alive.

amother

Forsythia

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

But I'm made to feel like I'm doing the worst thing by skipping a wedding..... sometimes it's just impossible.

I'm older than you (more than 50) but I gave up being guilt-tripped a long time ago.

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:38 pm

amother Papaya wrote:

I don't drive. I don't feel comfortable taking a long distance ride with a couple that's going by themselves. It's infringing on their private time.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:43 pm

I live in Baltimore and often go to cousin’s weddings in Lakewood.

Once I was so swamped with work that I hired a driver for $400 round trip, so I was able to get work done on the way there and nap on the way home. Obviously this is a huge chunk of change, but we all extend ourselves in various ways when we feel it’s meaningful, not when others make us feel guilty

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