When planning your MM list, remember the kids who...

keym

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 1:06 pm

I actually hate the whole "give at school" mentality. Both for teachers and friends.

Friends because either I have to send for all 29 kids in my child's class (massively expensive, and massively unnecessary for my kid to come home with 29 bags of junk)
And obviously it's rude to bring in school for only some friends and not others.

So I really don't know the answer here

Sending for teachers in school means that some kids end up comparing. What did you give? What's your theme? What's the gift?

Over the past 2 years post-corona, my kids schools had MM distribution for teachers at night, the night before taanis Esther. Yes, it was traffic. Yes it was annoying. But at least we were able to get in all teachers, Rebbis, principals, they danced with the students and yet there wasn't that "mean girl" teasing my kid for "only" bringing in a wine and chocolate

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 1:16 pm

Keym, I absolutely do not do the "in school" thing. No taking to 5 friends in school and not others, no way. As for the year they did mm for teachers in school, I sent a gift card. Not having my kid shlep my mm to school, it was just the cleanest way to do it and what the teachers appreciate anyway.....

(and gift card goes in a sealed envelope, no comparing amounts, etc...)

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 1:43 pm

Op. I appreciate your post. Truly.

The challenge in the way we observe Purim is that there are so many things pulling us. So many important things to think about.
And it's not possible to do it all.

1. You have the people saying that the day should be about davening. All these other things are a distraction. Do the minimum, deliver 2 mm, and be done. There's no mitzva to give more.
2. Other people say the day should be about looking out for those who get left out all the time. Make it your business to go out of your way to include the kids who always get left out. This could come at the expense of your own kids enjoying the yomtov, feeling that they had to go along with giving to the nebach as opposed to their real friends, because there's no time for both.
3. Others put great focus on giving their kids a healthy lunch and breakfast. This is laudable but also takes time.
4. Some people have a minhag to do 2 seudos ? Three? They feel this is more important than giving out more and more mm.
5. Some people feel like you should make the day as stress free as possible, since ita busy enough without all the extras. They cut out extra stops.
6. And then there are those who feel that Purim is the one day of year that they get to use their talents and show off their creativity and it gives them energy for many months after.

The bottom line is that there are many priorities to shoot for. But you can't do it all.

amother

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 1:50 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

\
All true. And I truly believe all of the above can be accomplished according to which appeals to you and STILL manage to find ONE person to include who you believe to be unlikely to otherwise be included. I fail to see how bringing ONE mm to an extra kid will be at the expense of your children, your menu, your davening, your stress-free goal, and your talent.

amother

Eggplant

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 2:29 pm

amother Bisque wrote:

You are forgetting a lot of mitzvohs. Purim is supposed to be about giving and caring about others. And remembering those who are left out and forgotten should be our highest priority. And if all you care about is not traveling over caring about others then you missed the essence of the day.

In the shtetl they didn’t have cars. They didn’t even have their own horse and wagon. I can do all those mitzvos right on my block, without worrying about a drunk Bachur running into my car.

amother

Eggplant

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 2:30 pm

amother OP wrote:

… And I can give to an extra kid who lives on my block. Smile

amother

Ecru

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 2:37 pm

I think it depends on your community
Over the last few years I’ve limited my mm count, however, obviously the amount I’ve gotten went down too.
As a teen, I only gave to 2 people. And then only got 2 in return. And I had a lot of friends! But we all limited, none of us really had the ability to run around on Purim, we were busy helping our mothers prepare for the seuda, the only people we went to were teachers

amother

Vanilla

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 7:05 pm

OP I don't know why u r getting such replies.
I'm really no tzadekes but I always include on my kids lists kids I know who may be forgotten.

I also prepare extra at home so that if someone is at home we can give something back to a child who came to my house. I buy stuff I'm happy for kids to have as shabbos party if we are left with loads of extras.

I spend 1.50 on each bag (this was last year before crazy prices) so if I prepare 20 extra I think 30 on making a kid feel good well worth it.

I'm all for kids learning that we can't have everything our friends do etc etc but really on Purim is it so much to think of others? I know the kids in my kids class and it's not hard to have a good feel as to which kids are super popular, which parents are going fo manage to get out. No I can't solve everything but if everyone thought of someone else it would go a long way

amother

Broom

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 8:13 pm

amother Peony wrote:

Op I hear you and understand the pain firsthand bec I had no school friends bring mm to me ever.
My kids are young, oldest is in third grade, and I find that when I tried figuring out who would need the mm I couldn’t get the info. My kids don’t fully chap who the kids are who would benefit from the mm. And I couldn’t spell it out bec I wouldn’t want to do any harm to these kids by having my kids view them as “other.”

So for now I just try to encourage my kids to be nice to everyone…

When they get older maybe I’ll be able to work on this together with them.

I am a fourth grade teacher. My students absolutely know which kids are not fully integrated. It was beautiful to see the during a certain project this year, two girl went out of their way to first share with two girls who really needed it- girls with very few friends due to their neurodivergency/antisocial behavior.

You can present it,to your daughter as, "Some girls, like Shira and Yocheved will gets lots of MM because they have lots of friends. Can you tell me the name of a girl who has very few? It would be so special to give her MM so she'll get more than she would have otherwise."

My biggest nachas on Purim is my son who always tries to give to a very socially different kid. It doesn't always happen. Some years is to hard for me or dh to drive to another neighborhood on a hectic day. But if we have a rebbi/morah to give to in that neighborhood, then we go and tgat boy is a priority.

amother

Leaf

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 9:09 pm

My son with lots of challenges had been out of yeshiva. He posted on his status late purim afternoon “no one gave me shalach monos”

It’s painful.
No one should stress themselves out. But it would be beautiful if we could all take a minute to think who may be out there saying and feeling this.
It could even next door.

amother

Rainbow

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 10:29 pm

As the OP of the thread of the 3 seudos, THIS thread is why I don't let my kids bring MM to school. They say all kids do it, but I don't let. It's either you bring enough for the whole class (which I cannot afford) or we give no one in school. Whom we get to visit on Purim is a private matter between friends but whom we give to in school, and more importantly whom we exclude in school, is a public matter. As much as I have crossed kids' friends off our Purim route, the alternative is NOT to give them in school beforehand.

amother

Silver

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 10:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

That's the thing, you said it so well. From this site, I read a lot about the elaborate breakfasts and the elaborate costumes, themed mm, poems people write, and how they love letting their creativity out for this one day. It's beautiful and fun and special. But those are not mitzvahs of the day.

Can you imagine the pain a child feels when he drives around delivering to his friends and comes home to find nothing waiting by his door? Has anyone had to soothe their child when the day ends because no one thought of him? Has anyone been the single mom who herself gets left out, not to mention her kid?

I don't want to be the cause of that kind of pain. So, this PSA reminder and plea to everyone reading this.

That’s why we do class exchanges. Win win . We only. Got to rabbeim no englush teachers and No friends

dankbar

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 11:43 pm

Some rebbeim only allow to give to two boys and they give everyone the names who you give to. This way everyone gets 2. Then it's no issue to give in school either.
Other times my boys give to all the boys, from their class, who attend same shul. That is total of 3. So not necesarily their friends, just one place to bring all, where its convenient so we don't have to make extra stops running around.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Feb 06 2023, 11:45 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

In the shtetl they didn’t have cars. They didn’t even have their own horse and wagon. I can do all those mitzvos right on my block, without worrying about a drunk Bachur running into my car.

They didn’t have anything we have I don’t see you giving up pleasures. And maybe get some therapy to get over your fear of purim you seem paralyzed.

spikta

Tue, Feb 07 2023, 4:48 am

For those of you who can't deliver to another kid for whatever reason, at least make sure that you have spares, so no one leaves your house empty handed (assuming you're not going to them), and make sure whoever is manning the door knows to distribute them.

My husband and I split delivering and being at home, and we know exactly who we're delivering to. So when a kid comes to the door I can give them an MM from DC (whether or not they had originally intended to give them!! no such thing as not on the list!!) and I won't give anything only if I know that DC is already on the way to their house.

I only pre make a few spares, and once the MMs start coming in, I start recycling so that we always have enough. We use simple cellophane bags with cute ribbon and keep all MMs small and simple, so throwing together a few more backups takes less than a minute. No one will mourn the lack of extra junk food...