Teenagers Missing School

amother

Grape

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 9:17 pm

I always said I never would until I got hit with a load of important appointments that I could not miss. I prefer my daughter to a babysitter that my younger ones don't know. Truth is my daughter's school is a joke. If it was serious, intense learning I wouldn't be so quick to ask her to be home.

amother

Sage

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 9:41 pm

I'm not at that stage but I think it might depend on the type of high school and what my kid wanted, I don't usually push my kids to go to school, thankfully they usually want to. I wouldn't be too happy if the school was the type that it was ok for my daughter to miss that much. I do schedule my kids appointments (elementary age) for during school time so it's not so much the missing of school as much as I don't think that it's kids job to stay home to watch their siblings, personally, it doesn't sit well with me.

amother

Yellow

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 9:43 pm

amother Mistyrose wrote:

Quoted the wrong person, this is meant for lightpink.

Just throwing this out there. I know adults who were raised like that. They have issues holding down jobs because they never practiced having to be responsible, show up on time and stick to boring or unwanted tasks. It is setting them up for failure.

I raised myself like that. Beyond sixth grade I stayed home without asking my parents. I’m a SAHM and doing just fine with my responsibilities. Probably better than every teacher and principal who told me I was doomed to fail.

SweetMouse

Wed, Mar 22 2023, 10:23 pm

Just another consideration: many times, when a high school girl is going through a medical or mental health issue, "family emergency"/"needed at home" is the cover up used to protect the girl's privacy.

My sister had several temporary health issues in high school (mono type, but less common). She wasn't physically able to attend school full-time, but she didn't want anyone, even her closest friends to know. So she always had an excuse: "my sister had a baby", "my mother needs me to help my grandmother", etc. She didn't want to be thought of as a sick person when it was a passing issue (in the end, it was a long 9 months, and then another year with occasional relapses, but she's totally fine and healthy now, with no risk of relapse).

The principal and attendance secretary knew and were very discreet about it. My sister was a diligent and bright student, and made up her work, so she still got good grades. But definitely my mother got some phone calls from concerned teachers about parentifying children, and more than one teacher tried asking probing questions to my sister about her home life.

essie14

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 6:51 am

Never. I don't know anyone who keeps their older children home to watch younger children unless it's a dire level emergency.
When I had to have surgery, I found a babysitter for my baby and my teens went to school that day. I guess if it was a "being rushed to the hospital" situation they would have stayed home, but BH it wasn't.
There's plenty of evenings and weekends and days off before pesach for the kids to help with pesach prep.
Never heard of such a thing.

zaq

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 7:45 am

A teen's job is to be in school. Depriving teens of school so they can babysit is exploitation at best, abuse at worst. It's something fundamentalist lunatics like the FLDS--Warren Jeff's group, look it up--would do.

amother

Oak

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 7:49 am

zaq wrote:

Would you still say this if it was the teen who wanted to stay home and do it, and she could handle it academically and it might help her deal?

Bnei Berak 10

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:07 am

amother Oak wrote:

Would you still say this if it was the teen who wanted to stay home and do it, and she could handle it academically and it might help her deal?

I have to agree with Zak.
It's not all about adademia, it's also about building resilience. Just as you can't come and go to school as it pleases you you can't come and go it work as most jobs have certain hours.

amother

Oak

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:14 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

They do. But you can also choose to take days off. I thinks that's why so many high schools now have "discretionary days" that the girls can take for any reason. They have to stay within limits and there are blackout times for them, but they get some agency. An adult also has some choice regarding where theu work and their hours, and many girls have none.

I shudder to think what people think of mothers pulling their girls out to take them shopping. It's pretty common by me to do this for a morning or afternoon before a chag, when there's no other good way to make it happen. Plus it's bonding time.

singleagain

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:24 am

amother OP wrote:

My daughter was telling me about friends staying home to clean or cook for Pesach, to watch little siblings who were sick and parents didn't want to use their vacation days, parents going on vacation and high school girls leaving school at 2 to do playground pickup and watching the kids.

Say it with me... Parentification. Parents don't want to use their vacation days for sick children.. I'm sorry but you are the parent not your teenager. You decided to have more children you are responsible for them not your teenager. Your teen was not part of your family planning they are not part of the family raising.

Someone else in thread said something about not wanting to leave littles with a babysitter they didn't know.... Get yourself a steady babysitter. Find someone who you like and trust and introduce them to your kids so that they are comfortable with them.

I'm not saying teens should never help out or have responsibilities at home.... But those responsibilities should be taking over the responsibility of parents.

Queen Of Hearts

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:27 am

I am astounded. When I was in school this would never fly. I would have been asked to provide a doctors note if I was out too many days.
I am all for mental days off here and there.
But for girls to take off to help their mothers?!?
Barring an emergency or extenuating circumstances, your daughter is not responsible for your other children!
It’s teaching your child not to take school seriously. It should be their only real responsibility at this stage in life.

Parentifying children is not okay.

Queen Of Hearts

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:29 am

amother Oak wrote:

I’d rather my daughter take off a day for shopping than for helping me.
At least it’s letting her be a child!

mikayla18

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:30 am

My parents never ever asked me to stay home from school. They didn't give me a hard time if I asked (and I did ask alot) but I always made up my work, got good grades etc. I can't even imagine asking my children to stay home to help me. They're your kids, not a babysitting service

leilatov1

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:36 am

rainbow dash wrote:

I would never do that. By us,in yesod hatorah if you miss a day you need a drs letter. If not, the school sends out emails with the list of dates that they need a letter for. I don't always go to the Dr when my kid is off for a day cause they feel sick. And the Dr doesn't want to write the note after the fact.

The problem is that then the government gets involved and we could lose our child allowance money for that kid. and the kid might have to redo that year.

There is no playing around by us.

Same in the UK all absence have to be authorised if not you get fined by the local authority

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:39 am

amother OP wrote:

A boy can learn at home.
And the girls "job" is to go to school and get educated. A parents responsibility is to facilitate that.
Keeping your kids home feels wrong to me.

Sorry this seems a little backwards to me
It’s nice to learn these things and get educated, but that’s not a girls job. Teenage years are to prepare for life and hone middos.
A teenage boy has one job, which is limud Torah
(For reference, I come from an Ivy League educated family, I believe in education, but I believe in the greater picture more)

amother

Charcoal

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:40 am

Never. Parentification is a form of abuse.

There is a difference between an emergency or helping at home.

But a child's (both genders! ) job is to be in school and to be a child. If you are sacrificing to do jobs for which you are responsible (running a home, parenting/ looking after younger children/ cleaning etc), it is a form of abuse.

Your child is not your caregiver.

jkl

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:41 am

amother Crocus wrote:

No, it's bittul torah for a boy. A girl has no chiyuv to learn.

Not suggesting to make it the norm, but I do want to put this out there. It's not bittul Torah if the boy is providing a helping hand to his parents. It's actually putting the Torah into action. We don't only learn for the sake of learning - we learn so that we know what to do. Helping a parent is a thing to do.

Queen Of Hearts

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:42 am

amother Tangerine wrote:

So, in your opinion, teenage years are meant for mothering your children?

amother

DarkPurple

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:51 am

amother Tangerine wrote:

Umm, no. He has more than that one job. He needs to learn to act upon what he is learning - how to put his learning into action. That includes helping out where needed. They also need to develop good middos and good character. Stepping up where and when needed helps with that.

Side point - boys also have another job. To learn a parnossoh skill to be ready for adulthood.

amother

Nasturtium

Thu, Mar 23 2023, 8:59 am

I would never keep my teenager home from school to help me! She belongs in class and with her friends and doing her extracurriculars. I even think twice before booking her appointments during school hours and only do so when there's no other choice and I consult her first about which periods are easier for her to miss.

DD helps at home after school when needed, but not when it interferes with her schoolwork. I once needed her to reschedule a tutoring job so I could run to PTA for half an hour and no babysitter was willing to take such a short job.