Annoyed, Overwhelmed, and Exhausted

amother

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 6:25 am

Why do other people speak about how beautiful Pesach is, how exciting it is to clean and prepare, how special the seder is (Is it just me, or are those people so annoying?!), and all I can think is it's so exhausting, annoying, and overwhelming? I have a bunch of little kids and I feel so bad that I'm not teaching them about the beauty of Pesach because I honestly don't see anything beautiful in it. Cleaning and going through everything, turning the house upside down for a week, and now trying to find everything I need and turn the house back right-side up. It's just so much work and for what?! I'm just neglecting my kids doing all this other stuff and we're all miserable for a month!

Iymnok

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 6:31 am

My mother worked hard to make it fun for us. I try (not so successfully) to do that too.
It’s exhausting, it’s hard, but we try to make the best of each part.
It does take planning. I scheduled a nap/relax by myself time each day. Some days worked better than others.
Sometimes chocolate bribed kept things calmer, sometimes it backfired.

amother

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 7:09 am

Iymnok wrote:

But I'm too annoyed by everything to even try to put in anything extra. (Really, like I have time and energy for EXTRA???) That's my issue.

amother

Lightgray

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 7:16 am

The ones who enjoy Pesach more may have fewer children, may go away for most of/all of YomTov, have a kitchen big enough to store most of Pesach year round and have less to change over and change back.
They may have a more than supportive dh who lifts, kashers, cooks, plans, shops and/or entertains the kids in a helpful way.
Some women work full time up to and including Erev Pesach and don't have time to transform the seder table into קריעת ים סוף.
I fall into a few of these categories and I love Pesach. I can well see someone not in enough of these categories having a VERY hard time.
You can't compare. Sorry you were so annoyed, overwhelmed, and exhausted.

amother

Nemesia

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 7:19 am

Would it help to NOT turn the house upside down in the first place?
I never emptied out my cabinets I locked them up as is and sold everything, I even sold a whole shelf in the fridge.
I ended up with 2 shelves and counter space over YT.
Turning back to Chametz last night took only a bit more work than a regular Motzie Shabbat clean up.
In general my rule for chaggim is that they should only take a bit more work than shabbos.

amother

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 7:28 am

amother Nemesia wrote:

Don't you have an oven/stove for Pesach? Where do you keep it during the year? Where do you keep it on Pesach? Where do you keep pots and dishes during the year and on Pesach? I always tell dh it's easier to live out of a box for a week than to put everything else other places and have to put it back after. He still doesn't believe me... But that's not even the hardest part.

I think we need to sell more areas of the house for Pesach and not have to check. But then it's going to be hard to organize myself to not need those areas on Pesach. I'm not organized enough for this chag. It's so annoying! I don't know what I don't need for Pesach because I don't know what's where. I need to look for it when I need it. If I'm sorting through and figuring out what I need and where it is and putting it where it'll be accessible on Pesach, might as well just check for chametz while I'm at it, no? I just don't feel like doing anything.

amother

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 7:30 am

amother Lightgray wrote:

Thanks, this was helpful. I always think only babies need all this affirmation all the time, but it really does help.

amother

Nemesia

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 7:40 am

amother OP wrote:

1) I have a separate oven and burners for Pesach. They go up to my Machsan after pesach. It took a few years to buy the oven.... The years I did not have a separate oven I cleaned the best I could and baked in double wrapped tins(as per my Rav). There was a year that I only had one burner. Yes, things were harder in the previous years.

2) During the year Pesach pots and pans are in a box in the machsan. On pesach they are on my counter and in a box under the table...

3) Ask your Rav, but mine has told me that I can open a sold cabinet or closet once or twice to take a non pesach item out.
Just not to use these cabinets consistently.
I for example forgot all my ziplock and garbage bags in a cabinet that was sold but opened it to take them out.
I also agree that the stage of tiny ones is the harder.... but hang in there tiny ones grow Smile

amother

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 7:46 am

amother Nemesia wrote:

3) Ask your Rav, but mine has told me that I can open a sold cabinet or closet once or twice to take a non pesach item out.
Just not to use these cabinets consistently.
I for example forgot all my ziplock and garbage bags in a cabinet that was sold but opened it to take them out.
I also agree that the stage of tiny ones is the harder.... but hang in there tiny ones grow Smile

Good to know about the sold cabinets. That's what I was worried about. Things like garbage bags- I don't feel like separating out all that stuff.

And yes, I know my little ones will iy"H grow and a lot of this will be easier. But it makes me resentful that it makes me not appreciate and enjoy the time I have with them now. I actually love being with and playing with my kids and taking them to parks and playing games and stuff. We didn't get to go to a park for like a month before Pesach because the whole time I felt like I should be cleaning for Pesach all the time. It's a ridiculous amount of work to go through everything you own!!

amother

Firethorn

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 8:44 am

I don't find Pesach easy. I have no outside help and not a great deal of money. I'm on vacation from about 10 days before yomtov -which is a huge help - during which I clean the house with my kids. I turn my kitchen over two days before yomtov and start cooking and fortunately we don't have too many difficult minhagim and use a variety of products. I am rarely hosted and host my in laws and married children several times over the week. I do get overwhelmed at times, and tired and cranky but I honestly do enjoy yom Tov. I've enjoy cooking, menu planning and setting a beautiful table. Last night everyone pitched in to get the kitchen back in order and we were done in about an hour and a half. I guess I am just one of those annoying people.

amother

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 8:49 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

Nah, you don't sound so annoying. I can't put my finger on what makes annoying people annoying. Might be being a certain SIL or the like... I really don't enjoy cooking, menu planning, or setting a beautiful table in general, so that probably makes a hard time even harder for me.

amother

Firethorn

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 9:08 am

amother OP wrote:

I must admit that I only really started enjoying these things once my children got older. Before then, I really didn't have the headspace or energy for it, although I still enjoyed Yom Tov. I was also hosted more often when we were younger.

ora_43

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 9:43 am

Can't it be exhausting, overwhelming, and beautiful?

I don't connect to finding Pesach cleaning uplifting or exciting. It's more like a week-long punishment for being the kind of person who always manages to end up with granola bars in her bookshelves and bags of cornflakes under the couch.

But I still love the holiday.

I do think that if it's so very tiring that you can't enjoy it at all, it's time to do something differently. Take more time off before Pesach, or your dh takes more time to help, or you learn to make Pesach with like a single drawer's worth of dishes (and lots of disposables?), or invest in cleaning help, or... etc. I'm not saying you're doing anything wrong but often there's a way to tweak the system.

It also helps me a lot to just decide that I won't drive myself crazy. When I get exhausted, I stop - even two days before Pesach. When I get overwhelmed, I take a break (or as close to a break as one can get with small kids). Remember that you're not Cinderella. You don't need to convince anyone that you deserve to go to the ball. As long as you have a chunk of meat, a kosher l'pesach toaster oven, and a disposable pan to bake with, you can have a kosher seder (maybe clean a kitchen shelf too, but honestly, rinsing a shelf with soap and then covering it with a layer of foil or a towel works too). Only do more if you can do more without doing more harm than good.

amother

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 11:33 am

Thanks everyone. This has been very helpful. I think I do need to do something very differently next year. I started by giving away some toys today. I hope if I have less in my home it will make it easier to check and clean and also easier to be calm and enjoy everything on/before Pesach and also year-round. I'm hoping remembering how difficult this was will help me get rid of more. Thanks again.

amother

Gladiolus

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 11:56 am

Hi OP. I managed the getting ready before Pesach. Now, the Day after Pesach I already got upset with my DH for reasons which were not about him but just stress on life. I yelled (I am not a yeller) and I realized it's not him. I feel like my bubble just popped. No Energy. Finished. It was a lovely Chag. But now everyone stay away and give me a few days to get back to myself. Mad

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 12:31 pm

Hard and enjoyable aren't necessarily opposites. But do what you can to lessen the stress.

Starting today, no food leaves the kitchen/eating area. That way, next year, you only have to clean the rest of house in the most superficial way. Consider hiring a cleaner for two hours a month to scrub out your cabinets, fridge and oven. That way, before Pesach, you'll just need a quick wipe-down.

My mom made Pesach without disposables. They were expensive a gazillion years ago when I was a kid. But she made a point of talking about how much she loved the chag. And even though she worked very hard, she got her message across. It's a great legacy.

Now please excuse me. I've got to go deal with the mountain of laundry that accumulated over yom tov....

shabbatiscoming

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 2:17 pm

amother Nemesia wrote:

We do this as well. We sell a shelve in our fridge, a few shelves with food and we dont switch anything over. We just put some things on the counter and other things stay in the tiny three shelves we have all year round in our kitchen.
We clean the fridge and clean the oven and stove, and thats that. Nothing else.
Changing things back took about 30 minutes. But we also have a very small kitchen. So not much to put away.
Amother, I like your attitude.

bat1

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 2:41 pm

personally, its less stress to clean my small apt next year before pesach, than to even try to make lil kids stay in the kitchen area only w food. that would force me to be out of bed shab morning way before I want to.
OP, please do yourself a favor, do some decluttering now, sign up for some home organizing tips, I worked hard yom tov, hosted guests too, have 3 little kids ke"H, had zero cleaning help, hub worked every day till bedikas chometz. but I still loved yom tov bh. adn sad it finished so fast. not saying was always uplifte nad never yelled, but was def nice and played w kids and all. was hard but beautiful. feel free to pm.

amother

Daffodil

Thu, Apr 13 2023, 11:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

How about spending the year to organize things? Do one room a month, starting at Rosh Chodesh.
This past summer I hired an organizer for one day for a room I was too overwhelmed to tackle.
I find pesach easier since I do my organizing during the year, and also since we keep chometz in kitchen only and even dining room is chometz free during the week.