How to feel better after criticism when I really need chizuk

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

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amother

Sun, Apr 16 2023, 11:52 pm

I find it so frustrating that people will tell you what to do but they won’t offer help or support or give any sort of chizuk. My father came over on Shabbos and saw that my baby started moving around more and said “time to start baby proofing.” I felt so upset. I’m not necessarily up to baby proofing my house. It’s hard enough to take care of a baby. Now you’re saying I’m not good enough? I have to do more? Why do you take it for granted that I’m managing 100% and can’t use a little chizuk, or at least if you’re not going to give chizuk, understand that taking care of a baby is hard and don’t just put something else on me. Like sure, do something else. Add another thing to your to do list. It’s not enough that you’re taking care of a baby every day, and it’s challenging. Don’t just sit there on the sidelines, assuming I’m managing very well and put something else on me. If you’re offering anything, please can it be chizuk? Or, at least say something positive? Wow, he’s so cute. It’s amazing that he’s moving around! But don’t tell me that there’s another thing I should be doing because it’s hard to take care of a baby, and I don’t necessarily feel up to baby proofing my whole house. My mother in law said the same thing when my husband showed her a video of the baby moving. What is with people? Why do they assume that things are easy, and at least if they’re not going to offer chizuk, don’t put another thing on me and tell me that there’s something else I should be doing. You’re saying I’m not good enough? You’re not happy with how I’m doing? I try so hard to take care of my baby. Why is the only thing anyone has to offer something else I should do? Are they offering to help me baby proof? Are they giving me support or chizuk, telling me that taking care of a baby is challenging and recognizing my efforts? I don’t need to hear that I should be doing more when I am already struggling and trying so hard to take care of my baby, and putting in a lot of effort already. It’s hard when people make comments but don’t offer to help me baby proof. Either don’t say it, or offer to help me because you’re just making me feel like I’m not good enough, and I’m already trying so hard. I don’t feel up to baby proofing my house and I don’t think I’m going to do it, so why should I have to feel not good enough when I’m not doing it because I feel that I’m already trying so hard to take care of my baby and I feel it’s too much for me to baby proof?
Any words of chizuk, or support would be appreciated. Please no judgments.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:00 am

It's unfortunately too true. You put it so well. People think they care so much and if they just tell you exactly what to do, everything will be great. D'oh, do you think I'm stupid? I wish people would be better at giving chizuk. I deal with my own share of this issue in my life so I know how you feel, OP. Banging head

amother

Blush

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:04 am

I’m sorry you’re struggling. When people say. “Time to baby proof your house!” They’re not ordering you to baby proof. It’s similar to when there’s one sunny day and people say “time to pull out the bathing suits!” It’s a way of acknowledging a new and exciting stage. Because it’s fun when babies suddenly start getting around.

Btw I didn’t need to baby proof much at all with my first. When I had older kids who played with small toys that were unsafe for baby, then it got harder.

farmom

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:07 am

When I get these kind of comments from the grandparents I take it to mean that they remember those days. A new and exciting and challenging stage. It's not a reflection on you but their own nostalgia.

WitchKitty

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:07 am

It sounds like you have it hard. Harder than it usually is with a baby.
Baby proofing is a fun stage, I'm sure none of them thought it was so hard for you that the thought of baby proofing would make you upset. It's normal to say that when the baby starts crawling around.

giftedmom

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:08 am

Uh, you’re kind of overreacting

tichellady

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:09 am

amother Blush wrote:

agree with this. I don't think it's a criticism. you will babyproof if and when you feel like you want to. when people say things like that you can just laugh and say " yes, it's crazy how he is changing". even if you don't feel like laughing sometimes it helps. you are doing a great job! it's so hard to be a mom. people really forget how and consuming it is.

flowerpower

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:13 am

I don’t see the comment as being offensive. You don’t need chizzuk. You need to be less sensitive. It’s a non-chalant comment meaning your baby is bh reaching new milestones. Instead of getting upset thank hashem that your baby is cute and active!

amother

Salmon

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:14 am

It's so much fun when a baby starts moving around. Your father is just pointing out what comes next. This has less than zero to do with how well you are managing. Of course you're fine.

Kind of like when the weather gets cooler and someone says it's time to take out the winter coats.

I'm worried that you feel so stressed and in need of so much support to get through everyday life. What else is going on here?

Notsobusy

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:20 am

I don't usually write such things, but something feels very off here. I don't hear any criticism, just a neutral comment. Most people want to keep their baby safe, therefore once their baby starts moving around they do the appropriate level of baby proofing. It's just a comment, not a criticism.

I wonder, is this normal for you? Do you feel criticized easily? If yes, you may want to deal with that in therapy. If not, this reaction coupled with the way you're talking about how hard taking care of your baby is, is making me think of PPD. Unless if there's some medical issue or your baby is extremely difficult, it shouldn't be that hard to take care of your baby. You shouldn't be feeling this overwhelmed.

I promise this is not a criticism. This is me caring about my sister who seems to need some help right now. Please speak to your doctor or a therapist and try to get the help you need.

amother

Gardenia

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:25 am

Do you maybe have post partum depression?

Also, why doesn't your immediate families know how you are at the verge of completely losing it?

Is this your first? You definitely need some outside help. It shouldn't be the way you are describing. Please go see a therapist. Not joking. Someone will figure out how to help you. Do not suffer alone.

amother

Hyssop

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:29 am

OP, is it possible that you're struggling with PPD?
Please take care of yourself so that your overwhelmedness doesn't reach the point of neglect or unsafe conditions for your baby. If you need help, please reach out. People aren't mind readers, they don't know you need help if you don't ask for it.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:29 am

OP most people don’t need chizzuk when their baby loves to the next stage and has different needs. The responses you’re getting are on point: do you have ppd? Your dads comment was not critical and shouldn’t be seen as such.

amother

Navyblue

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 12:31 am

They’re not criticizing at all. They’re celebrating that your baby grew up so much that they are mobile and need baby proofing.

I have a nine month old baby that is going to need baby proofing around now and the thought stresses me out too. Maybe ask imamother for their advice - this site is such a great resource to get practical, experienced parenting advice.

amother

NeonOrange

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 1:08 am

OP, parenting is really REALLY hard, with a never-ending to-do list and lots of exhaustion. Until someone is a parent, they can't really understand how overwhelming it can be. But it's also amazing and wonderful and so so worthwhile BH, and a real brocho!

And because our babies are so loved, it's in everyone's interests to keep them as safe as possible, because if chas v'sholom something avoidable happened, we would never forgive ourselves. And that's why we baby-proof!

(In the long run, a baby- proofed home is less stressful because if there aren't tiny pieces on the floor, you don't have to make sure baby doesn't swallow one. If there are no sharp edges, you don't have to worry that....etc etc)

familyfirst

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 1:28 am

Echoing the above

Dad’s comment is totally appropriate
Nothing condescending about it at all

Need to explore why this is triggering you and why you don’t have the emotional stamina to accept a very neutral comment

myname1

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 5:01 am

By the way, I don't think I ever "baby proofed." I keep an eye on my baby and try to keep her safe. If something looks unsafe I try to fix it. Like I close up the ladder if my baby is using it to climb up to the table. What is this list of "baby proofing" you all seem to do. We have an achrayus to keep our babies safe, which is a big deal. But a lot of it I think can be learned on the go more than prepared ahead of time.

That being said, I agree with everyone above. You should be enjoying your baby and be proud of his/her progress more than you seem to be. You should not be so stressed about all you have to do for him/her. It's a challenge to take care of a baby, but also a wonderful exciting time. Please speak to someone in real life- mother, father, sister, brother, neighbor, friend, therapist. Tell them "You know, I feel like I'm having a really hard time with this baby." And see if they have any chizzuk or advice.

imasinger

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 6:48 am

Becoming a parent is a huge life shift. There's this little one totally dependent on you, and that changes pretty much everything.

It sounds like you've been working really hard at it, and now your DS is starting to move, wow! Kol hakavod for all you've been doing this far.

One of the strange things about the way brains work is that people tend to focus on anything perceived as negative, far more than neutral or positive. You said in your OP, "If you’re offering anything, please can it be chizuk? Or, at least say something positive? Wow, he’s so cute. It’s amazing that he’s moving around!"

I'm sure that both your father and your MIL have said on many occasions that DS is adorable, or, in response to his new accomplishment, "wow, look at him go".

But what stuck in your head was the comment about baby proofing -- more work for you. It may take focus to remember those positive comments, but it's an effort worth making, because it helps you feel good.

Davar acher.

Baby proofing often happens naturally over time as the baby progresses. When a baby begins to eat your magazines, you begin storing them out of reach. The first time he pulls up and splashes in the toilet, you'll likely start keeping the bathroom door closed. When he crawls and bangs his head on something and starts screaming, you'll think about what needs rearranging to keep him safer and happier. When he starts on the stairs, you'll think whether you want a baby gate.

My DD and family just spent Pesach with us, and they have a very active toddler, and our house is not at all babyproofed. We bought a bunch of these on Amazon, and it was easy to put them on, and they really helped.
Child Safety Strap Locks (4 Pack)... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B072.....ss_tl

One good response to parents who tell you, "time to... [whatever]" is to either ask them about their experiences, or ask them for help. "Can you tell me what you remember from that stage?" is a useful response.

So is your natural reaction. It's okay to admit that something new feels like a lot! It doesn't make you appear incompetent at all. Just add the request, and you may get all kinds of great help -- "wow, that feels overwhelming, can you help me get started?"

Hugs and hatzlacha, and give that little moving munchkin a kiss from me.

Ema of 5

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 6:49 am

giftedmom wrote:

Uh, you’re kind of overreacting

I would chalk that up to hormonal and sleep deprived….

amother

Hosta

Mon, Apr 17 2023, 7:26 am

Hey OP,
I can totally relate to parents that say things with a really critical tone of voice, even if the words themselves are innocuous. I feel like it's a generational thing because I see it more with my parents' generation.
You got married? When are you having kids?
You had a baby? When will she be rolling over? Are you sure she's not delayed?
The baby is crawling? Shouldn't she be walking by now?
The baby said her first word? When are you starting to teach her colors and shapes?
You bought a house? When will you clean up the yard already?
Your kid is reading above grade level? But what about math??

I don't think they mean to criticize, but that's just how it feels way when most of what they say is - so when are you going to do the next thing that needs to be done?? and there's little to no celebration of what I already accomplished.

I've learned to not expect my validation to come from people who communicate like this. I know, mostly second hand, that my parents and ILs are proud of us. Most of the time we spend together they tell us how we could be doing better, because they want the best for us. It's an annoying way to show it, but it is what it is. I can't change how they communicate.
I vent to DH and my close friends when I need validation and understanding. I literally send lists to a friend sometimes - listen to all the things I cooked for shabbos! I'm being so productive! My toddler had like 5 tantrums this afternoon but I didn't yell at anyone and I still managed to make dinner! I hosted my ILs for all pesach, send me a medal!

Do you have people in your life who will give you chizuk when you need it?

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