I feel like I'm not cut out for motherhood

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 2:49 pm

I have several kids between the ages of 6-6 months.
I have no patience for them and much prefer to love them from afar, such as when they are sleeping or when I'm at work.
They come home after a long day and are not in the best of moods, I have zero patience to give them the love and attention I know they probaby need to bring them out of that post-school crash.
My baby doesn't nap between picking him up from the sitter and when he finally goes to sleep for the night late in the evening.
I barely have the time to put scrambled eggs on the table for dinner or give baths between when we get home and the various tantrums, bathroom and diaper changes, fights, futily trying to put baby down for a nap...
My husband and I have zero quality time to speak of, as he comes home at 7 and then goes out to learn from 8-10:30. He gets frustrated when I need to feed the baby and put him to sleep when the older kids are still awake and it makes him late for his night seder..
I just want to be left alone and have no interest in dealing with my cranky kids.
Even when they are in good moods, I''m finished after 10 minutes, and I don't like playing with them.
I love them so fiercely but I just don't like spending time with them. Even when it's calm, I'd prefer to do laundry or clean than play with them.
I feel so bad for my kids, I regret it even as it's happening, but I just can't enjoy them and show them that I love them with quality time. I do give them lots of hugs and kisses at least.
What can I do?

amother

Gold

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 2:52 pm

I'm exactly the same. I'd rather do housework than play a game. I can chat a little but the minute their stories become run-on I start feeling anxious and implosive. not all women are motherly. I feel terrible for my kids. they are well cared for in every other area but quality time in the home is extremely challenging for me.

oneofakind

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 2:57 pm

DH needs to get over himself and stick around to help. He should ask a Rav if he wants to. Especially not get annoyed. It's a rough time of the day.

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 2:57 pm

Same here. If I wouldn’t be Jewish I wouldn’t have kids. Or maybe stop after one or two.
I sometimes wonder if it’s a mitzva for people like us to have children at all. It’s too late now since I had them already. I feel terribly sorry for my kids but I can’t give them something I just don’t have. I really don’t know what the solution is. I feel like I’m working so hard doing something I don’t enjoy and at the end of it all my kids are not even getting that great childhood and may end up being resentful. So what was the point of it all? Sad!

amother

Lily

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:01 pm

So sad for you kids..
Can you hire someone to watch the kids or help out for those hours?

giftedmom

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:01 pm

Seems like you’re just really overwhelmed

#BestBubby

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:02 pm

I think the problem is it is hard to enjoy your kids

when you are so tired, over worked and
Over whelmed.

Hopefully, the pace will get easier as they get older.

Prioritize getting cleaning help, child care,
And more sleep.

#BestBubby

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:04 pm

Agree with one of a kind.

Your husband needs to put night seder on pause
And be there to help you in evening.

amother

Molasses

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:05 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

Totally relate. It’s awful that we get stuck in this lifestyle by being married off so young. Given another few years of adulthood, I may have recognized that this life is just not for me.

realtalk

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:16 pm

You don't sound like a bad mother to me at all. You sound burnt out and overwhelmed. When was the last time you got a break? Or did anything for yourself?

amother

Winterberry

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:21 pm

I think it’s absolutely the most important and amazing thing you can do with your life. Even if it’s hard and even if the kids don’t have the greatest childhood, as long as it’s not dysfunctional or abusive, which it doesn’t sound like it is!
But dh should help, my husband asked a shaila and he was told that having kids is more important than learning. I know Rav Avigdor Miller held the same, that a Satmar guy who owns a shoe store is serving Hashem much better than a Kollel man whose wife is on birth control because she can’t manage.
So…. Dh should step up to help you if you can’t do it alone.
He definitely shouldn’t get annoyed at you for giving your all to his own life investments!
You guys need to figure this out together, maybe have him discuss it with a Rav to encourage him to carry it together with you.
Not every woman is cut out to do it all alone, I know that I’m not.
Dh helps me and it’s the only way we manage.

amother

Sage

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:21 pm

Why is your husband leaving to learn with an overwhelmed wife and neglected kids an hour after he comes home from work?? Speak to a Rav
, he needs to prioritize his family until things stabilize a bit. Hugs and hatzlacha!

amother

Azalea

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:24 pm

I agree with those that are saying you sound burnt out. Totally normal when you're so overwhelmed on and on and on. Taking care of little kids is OVERWHELMING!
Oh and yes, your husband should be helping you and without complaining. These are his kids as much as yours.
And if you didn't yet, consider birth control, and take time for yourself, to recoup, recover and for some self care, so you can be a better you which makes a better mom.

amother

Dustypink

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:26 pm

Is that a typo or you really have several kids between the ages of 6 and 6 months?

You are working and taking care of the household single-handedly because your husband is barely around

And have lots of babies (unless that’s a typo)

I don’t think it’s a reflection on you or your kids but your current lifestyle really isn’t sustainable.

Maybe your husband can join a morning kollel. He certainly can’t be running out to a night kollel so soon after he gets home. Kids have 2 parents for a reason.

And if you aren’t on birth control (only saying this because of the several kids under age 6 comment) then find one you’re comfortable with. Back to back babies is always exhausting and makes it much harder to enjoy the kids you have.

amother

Sand

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:29 pm

It’s a tough stage and should get easier
Please do what you have to do to get help and make it easier for now
Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Quince

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:31 pm

I feel the same. I really just don't enjoy kids. The endless noise, talking, kvetching, demands grates on me so much. I also hate reading kids books and playing games. So boring. I just want to read my adult stuff.
I am on BC and I'm good at self care and giving myself time out, but it's never enough. Kind of like if I don't like a certain food, giving myself time out won't make me enjoy it. I just don't like spending time with kids. I'm extremely introverted.
I dream of the day when my kids are out of the house and I will have endless hours of solitude and peace and quiet. And no I will not feel lonely, I will thrive. Lonely is not a word in my vocab.
I do enjoy housework like cooking baking cleaning laundry, but not when the kids are around

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if I'm anon I may as well be brutally honest.

amother

Foxglove

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:36 pm

Wow that was relatable. Thank you for speaking for all of us!
I can relate to every word of this.
I feel so guilty!!!!

mushkamothers

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:37 pm

You're not describing motherhood. You're describing your specific situation which is impossible. Nobody is cut out for it. It's not really normal.

amother

Molasses

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:41 pm

Why is your husband going out to learn from 8-10:30 at night? That is crazy and so wrong. Misplaced righteousness. It is not the right thing to be doing at this stage.

tichellady

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 3:47 pm

I don't think most people are cut out to work, have many young kids, and do dinner and bedtime solo without feeling like you have a partner

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