I feel like I'm not cut out for motherhood

amother

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 10:53 pm

amother Razzmatazz wrote:

For all those saying OP would have it easier if she didn’t work and had quality time for herself. Maybe for her it would.
I don’t work. I’m home with a baby who’s not old enough to demand too much attention yet.
So why do I have zero patience when my kids walk through the door?
I have no patience for their post school moods. And Shabbos I prefer to read my magazines than to engage in conversation or play with them.
It really really bothers me.

Nope, I am completely like you.
On Shabbos I just want to sit and read on the couch while they play nicely and leave me to my coffee and book.
On days that I am able to leave the house alone and run errands, I'm not "recharged" and suddenly able to sit and play and deal with their fights and tantrums with patience.

amother

Coffee

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 11:30 pm

The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of “several” is: more than two, but fewer than many.

Kids can be draining. But if you don’t like spending time with them, they’ll pick up on it. I’m an EI therapist and have taught many (not several!) parents how to play with their kids and enjoy it. It’s a skill, and you can learn it.

My kids are grown now, and BH turned out nicely. I BH have a strong relationship with all of them. If you want close families, you have to invest in those relationships now and forever. I know this might not be a popular truth in today’s society, but it’s true.

A mother’s love does so much to build children and keep them strong through all of life’s ups and downs.

amother

Cognac

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 11:44 pm

amother Coffee wrote:

I just want to add here that it's also about quality Vs quantity. When my closely spaced kids were young, I didn't have unlimited resources of patience for them and often found myself hiding out in my bedroom to get some breathing space. However I was able to give them something everyday- a story, a short conversation, a word game without a million pieces- sometimes more, sometimes less. I think that even though I was often exhausted and overwhelmed, I was able to convey to them that I love them and their company and B"H today I enjoy a great relationship with all of them.
I think we all discover that motherhood is a lot harder than we imagined, but once the children are already here, there is no going back. Try to give each child just a few minutes everyday and hopefully you will all reap the benefits of a warm and loving relationship.

amother

Peachpuff

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 11:57 pm

Op I have 5 kids under 7 years. Can you try giving each kids few min of quality vs quantity time?
Whichever way works best for you. My baby and toddler get enough focused attention from me when others are in school. The rest I try to give at least 5 min FOCUSED quality time from when they get home till after bedtime.
Of course there are good days and bad days.
And, when all kids are nudgy cranky fighting mode, or very very triggery hyper, I take a 5 min chocolate, coffee, icepop break, or sometimes to lay flat on my bed. I lock myself in my room for ONLY 5 min. ( Like a bathroom break)
Sometimes I sneak into my room other times if my kids follow me I tell my kids " Mommy is relaxing for 5 min. I'll be right back"
Works wonders to calm my nerves. I sometimes need to do this more than once an afternoon.
If you focus on taking care of yourself it might help you a bit......

amother

Blushpink

Thu, Apr 27 2023, 11:57 pm

OP, what about on days off, Sundays, yom tov, if you can get out with them to the park or elsewhere, do you feel more connection and like you are being a good mom?

I get where you are coming from, many times I have felt that I'm not cut out for motherhood, no patience for the kvetchy times, just wamt them to finally go to sleep. But I feel like you are being set up for failure. When I had 4 kids under 6, I was not working and the older kids came home at 1:30 which meant that they were not cranky yet and we could enjoy our time together - going to the park, etc, without the pressure on me of other things to do, and also, that I could direct what we do together so that it were things that I enjoyed.

I want to point out one other thing - when I had 4 under 6 there were no smartphones yet (or, at least, I didn't have one) and it was so much easier to focus on my kids and play with them, now I find it much harder to play with my younger kids (who are more spaced) because the phone holds too much of a pull, makes me antsy and interrupts my concentration. Don't know if this is an issue for you, but maybe try to put away your phone for those few hours? (I also stopped getting the shabbos magazines because I found them to be too much of a pull and wasn't strong enough to put them away until my kids were asleep.)

Hatzlacha!!!

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 12:24 am

I so relate to this post though I have less kids than you. I was never great with kids. I was never the favorite aunt and I always liked doing my own quiet things. Someone once told me to spend time with my kids with activities that I like and it's been helpful. The young stage now is very hard but I know that when they get bigger we will be able to do more activities together. I also like to get them activities that they can do on their own and they enjoy like paint, markers, and stickers so they are happy and busy for a bit and I can have some quiet time. I don't feel as guilty if they are happily occupied and it helps with the kvetchy time when we get home. I also like to eat supper with them and find that that is quality time.

amother

Olive

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 12:31 am

I'm a bit older with kids ranging from adult to infant. I want to tell you that your feelings are normal and should be heard. I also would rather read and zone out than give attention to my kids. But I also want to tell you that feelings are fleeting. Life is full of ups and downs and is hard! Feelings come and go and change. It is important to pay attention to what you're feeling and accept those feelings and yourself for feeling that way, and at the same time recognize that long term, things don't stay the same, we don't stay the same, and as we grow we understand and perceive more deeply. So from my perspective I want to reassure you that first of all, kids are worth it. All the struggles and sleepless nights and ups and downs eventually fade and you have these incredible people who call you Mom and how did that happen so fast, although now it feels like endless drudgery. Secondly none of us would choose a life of hardship and struggles. But... we are given it anyway because this is our opportunity to grow into the best person possible. We don't feel best when we know we're ignoring our kids and exhausted and want to run away, but over the years you grow with your kids and transform into someone you couldn't be without them. The extraordinary women do it bsimcha. Not I, I'm a big kvetch. No one's perfect but it seems our kids love us anyway.

May I suggest rabbi shimon russels parenting book?

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 6:43 am

Hi OP!

I totally relate to you as well! Besides for the silly argument about what "several" means, which is completely irrelevant to your question, I think people have made many helpful suggestions. I would like to add that may be you can come up with things that you enjoy doing with your kids that are more tolerable for you. For me for example, reading books to them is much easier than playing magna tiles on the floor, so I try to encourage that as much as possible. We go to the library often and try to have a wide variety of books, and I have trained my kids that we read a lot. I also make an effort to take them to various parks in the neighborhood because that is easier for me than (again) sitting on the floor and playing toys. On the other hand (and I only started this recently, with my youngest two), if they ask me to play on the floor, I nicely tell them that I prefer to watch them from the couch, and I give them a lot of praise on their creations, but I don't torture myself if it's too much for me at the moment.

The days when I can have the energy to be proactive are definitely better than the ones when I am busy and just trying to keep them quiet while I am doing whatever I want to do - that basically guarantees that they will fight and scream the entire time....

Also, please remember that kids grow up. I love love love my teenagers, it's such a different life and they are so much fun to spend time with! So please remember that this baby stage will pass and you will have wonderful people in your family that you will be able to enjoy!

Hang in there! As all the posters said, it's not easy to have a large family, and I am sure you are doing your best. Just keep improving in small steps in whatever way you can, and pat yourself on the back for that. That's the best you can do and you can accomplish a lot that way.

P.S. One more thing - I am not sure what your job is, but I would encourage you to do something for yourself that you find enjoyable and stimulating as an adult. I am in school now and while it's incredibly guilt inducing because I don't get to see my kids as often as I would like, and I am stressed, it is something that I really want to do and I think it makes me a happier and more fulfilled person on the whole and makes it easier for me to be patient with the kids (less so if I am studying for a final Wink

)

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 7:43 am

I think part of the issue (and talking to myself here as well) is that there’s this expectation that you should be enjoying your kids all the time. Sorry, no. Kids are legitimately annoying to deal with much of the time. Find the things you enjoy more with them and focus on those - the rest of the time, you just need to get through it.

And shift your perspective about what it means to enjoy them - it means just reveling in being *their* mother: knowing them well, attending to them with attunement that perhaps only you might have given you’ve known them all their life, being the person they have to fall back on. It does not mean having the sweetness and patience and playfulness of a preschool teacher.

As other posters mentioned, they don’t stay small forever. They’ll be school-age, then teenagers, then adults for MOST of your life, one hopes, and the role and pleasures of being a parent change.

I take the long view, try to focus on the moments I enjoy and find more naturally enjoyable. For the rest, I go to therapy and explore my own impatience and persistent need to think of myself first, I try to come to terms with and accept my “limitations”, and I think back to my own childhood and stay with the power of those memories to help motivate me to do differently or similarly. Or, I struggle with shame of not being the type of parent that enjoys every moment of their kids Smile

but you don’t need my help with that.

anotherone

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 7:53 am

amother OP wrote:

I have several kids between the ages of 6-6 months.
I have no patience for them and much prefer to love them from afar, such as when they are sleeping or when I'm at work.
They come home after a long day and are not in the best of moods, I have zero patience to give them the love and attention I know they probaby need to bring them out of that post-school crash.
My baby doesn't nap between picking him up from the sitter and when he finally goes to sleep for the night late in the evening.
I barely have the time to put scrambled eggs on the table for dinner or give baths between when we get home and the various tantrums, bathroom and diaper changes, fights, futily trying to put baby down for a nap...
My husband and I have zero quality time to speak of, as he comes home at 7 and then goes out to learn from 8-10:30. He gets frustrated when I need to feed the baby and put him to sleep when the older kids are still awake and it makes him late for his night seder..
I just want to be left alone and have no interest in dealing with my cranky kids.
Even when they are in good moods, I''m finished after 10 minutes, and I don't like playing with them.
I love them so fiercely but I just don't like spending time with them. Even when it's calm, I'd prefer to do laundry or clean than play with them.
I feel so bad for my kids, I regret it even as it's happening, but I just can't enjoy them and show them that I love them with quality time. I do give them lots of hugs and kisses at least.
What can I do?

Can I break it down by points:
1. I'm not discussing with a woman who has a 6 month old baby anything about enjoying children until your baby is ....I would say maybe 1.5-2? Smile

I personally am more tired as they get older, after baby I am super hyper, but closer to 3-6-9 months stage I am worn. You sound burnt out, at least emotionally not having all the patience in the world for the kids. Because you come home exhausted yourself (as you wrote). I come home exhausted, and first thing my kids do after school-throw at me the tantrums, all their emotions from the day (for some reason -mostly negative ones). It is very hard to give when you are depleted, hungry, didn't even have time to have your own break after coming home.

2. Shalom bais (and lack of, in which I include quality time and feeling of connection to husband) is also a factor that can deplete a woman. Husband is there to be a source of happiness and support (I mean, it makes a woman happy and gives energy if he does).

3. Emotionally validating kids is hard. When you depleted, it sounds like a super burden.

4. I hate playing with my kids, but give them love in other ways. It comes from my childhood and personality, and when my oldest was smaller, I felt like failure. Now I just try to connect with my kids (who grew up and made it much more pleasant to communicate and connect with them) in other ways.

amother

Olive

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 11:45 am

So many good posts. Here's another reminder that people are good with different ages. That's why preschool teachers don't teach high school and elementary school teachers aren't in preschool etc
You might enjoy one stage over the other and there's nothing wrong with that.
I want to second the person above and say I love my teenagers too! They're so wonderful to be around and talk to even if they're frustratingly challenging at times.
As long as you're providing a safe, stable home for your children and filling them emotionally, you're doing amazing.

Rabbi Shimon Russell talks about the 4 S's of a stable home. I found that very helpful.

amother

Burlywood

Fri, Apr 28 2023, 2:37 pm

Sigh.
We live in a society where presence and connection to oneself is the greatest challenge. And that is a prerequisite to connecting with our children.
Although I can totally relate to OP, I don't find it validating that there are so many of us in the same boat. But, I also don't beat myself up for it. It is what it is, and I accept that, while also working on inner healing. I can clearly see that on days I gave myself all the compassion and love I deserve, I automatically find that I have more patience with my kids.
It also helps me if I view my kids as little human beings, who depend on me to fill their needs, rather than me raising kids to grow up healthy. Not to see them as "my project". I just try my best not to hinder their growth, if that makes sense.