Ayin hara | Imamother

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:25 am

For all intents and purposes my husband and I should be doing well financially. We are both high level professionals and we have a small business on the side. We own one home and take only budget vacations once a year. Our family size is mid size for the frum community. We are not gourmet eaters and rarely eat out. We pay full tuition and camp tuitions and for seminary as well as help our children with advanced degrees. We have retirement savings but not a lot and we have $1500 in our savings account and $150000 debt.

I mean it when I say we are careful. But things always go wrong. The business loses money. My husband doesn’t get a bonus. I lose clients. We need a major home repair. Which always turns into another big home repair. Etc.

We are well liked (or at least I know my husband is! ) so it’s not as if it’s because we we are socially off. And I budget everything and there’s no where to cut.

So now I’m wondering. Has anyone with a similar situation been told there is an ayin hara on them ? And if so what did they do. We also have not yet made a shidduch yet despite having really great kids. Kh. I feel like there’s this pall over my home.

I daven and daven and nothing helps.

I know people have less than what I described above but I’m sure Al pi teva it doesn’t make any sense. Just don’t want to give more details here.

amother

Seashell

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:41 am

First of all, are you careful about giving tzedaka? Remember to give consistent maaser throughout the year (preferably every week) and not just a lump sum at end.

Secondly, are you careful about not "showing off"? No social media posts, no look at me/my adorable kids/ my vacations posts.

I've found being careful in both of the above to bring great blessings to the home. Wishing you well.

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:45 am

No social media whatsoever. I’m allergic to it.

And as far as tzedaka we give through the year. We were told half of tuition is maaser which brings us almost to the total maaser amount and we give above that. We give regularly to my husbands yeshivas and our shul as well as aniyim and nitzrachim.

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, May 01 2023, 7:50 am

amother OP wrote:

And we paid for part of a masters degree and DC took out a loan for the rest. We covered undergrad (together with a scholarship) and seminary.

College (and sem) tuition is expensive no way abt it. If you really can't afford it, your child needs to take out a loan to cover it fully.
As far as nobody married yet, I can tell you I know of many many families where it took years for the firsr child to get married, nothing to do with age order, often the first to marry was not the oldest (,including my own). I don't believe due to ayin hara or any other obvious reason, but nisayon they had to deal with. For some reason, this is a challenge of our times that affects many families. It is definitely tough esp bec you feel that it's something you have no control over.

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:06 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

College (and sem) tuition is expensive no way abt it. If you really can't afford it, your child needs to take out a loan to cover it fully.
As far as nobody married yet, I can tell you I know of many many families where it took years for a child to get married (,including my own). I don't believe due to ayin hara or any other obvious reason, but nisayon they had to deal with. For some reason, this is a challenge of our times that affects many families. It is definitely tough esp bec you feel that it's something you have no control over.

I suppose. Hard not to conflate the two situations.

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:34 am

amother OP wrote:

I suppose. Hard not to conflate the two situations.

If you look around you will see plenty of people from poor families that get married easily and also, people from wealthy or comfortable families that struggle to find someone.
There isn't always a rhyme or reason that we can see.

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 8:52 am

amother Cadetblue wrote:

I realize that. I’m not blaming our finances per se besides for which I doubt anyone would know or guess what’s really going on in our accounts! But the general feeling of efforts not being fruitful whether it’s for parnasa or efforts in marrying off our children. feel stuck and it also feels unnatural

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, May 01 2023, 9:07 am

I totally get the feeling of being stuck.
And it can take years for things to change. But it's like the wheel of life constantly going around and around. Sometimes you are on the bottom and you don't ever see how things can change. It's very humbling. It isn't something one can fully understand until they've experienced it for themselves (in various areas of life, whether financial, shidduch problems, or others). I recommend an essay by Rabbi Aharon Lopiansky on this topic, with focus on Iyov and his challenges and how they changed him....it was written originally as a eulogy for his father. It's in a book of essays but I forget the title. Actually, I read a copy of the original text before it was polished and edited (and therefore much more powerful), as a friend of friend is related somehow and she lent me a photocopied copy. But even the published copy is worth reading for insight and chizuk.

amother

Lightpink

Mon, May 01 2023, 10:01 am

My situation was a bit different in that we actually knew that someone was deliberately cursing us.
Our Rav sent us to someone who deals with it and we did see a difference afterwards.

I've had other times when like you say, nothing seems to be wrong exactly but you aren't seeing the shefa bracha in the house.
Each time, I took on a ruchniyus kabala on myself and saw real siyata dishmaya. Could you take on to daven more? and daven to see the shefa bracha in your home?

Cheiny

Mon, May 01 2023, 10:04 am

amother OP wrote:

Apparently ayin hara only has an effect if you believe in it.
I’d sooner attribute your difficulties to your necessary nisyonos which everyone gets in this world, in one way or another.
Only solution is tefilla.
I hope things pick up soon.

Last edited by Cheiny on Mon, May 01 2023, 1:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, May 01 2023, 10:11 am

amother Lightpink wrote:

So I really want to avoid feeling paranoid. But there is definitely an individual in my life who doesnt fargin and who takes visible pleasure in any difficulty that they become aware of in my life. I try to limit my exposure to this person but due to the nature of our relationship it’s extremely difficult. I would have a very hard time explaining this to a rav and truly I don’t want to walk into crazy land so I just don’t think about it. But deep down when I’m really upset I do wonder if maybe this person is hurting us.

amother

Violet

Mon, May 01 2023, 10:17 am

I hope things turn around for you quickly.

I also wonder about ayin hara or more specifically that I once said something to someone about their job and wonder if it changed my mazel. I used to have a fairly successful business and currently I don't. I once made a comment to someone about their job how they don't need to work so hard etc, I don't want to go into details but I made it out to be that in my job I have much more responsibility since it's MY business. (Cringe) I always wonder if they resented the comment and if that could have brought me bad Mazal. I daven I give tzedaka and I'm in need of better parnasa.

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, May 01 2023, 10:25 am

amother Violet wrote:

I don't believe in ayin hara working in that way. I believe more that Hashem works our nisyonos in such a way that we learn humility and not judge others or be complacent etc