18 year old - who pays for expenses

amother

Sun, May 14 2023, 5:59 am

My 18 year old works a few hours a week and makes a couple hundred a week.. She has a high amount in savings which she is saving for a trip overseas next year.

Whose reposnsibility is it to pay for toiletries that only she uses, Clothing that is a nessecity..
For years having fun, eating out, transportation for fun things like going out with friends etc we have established for years she pays for.

We were getting a decant amount from the goverment for her and then once she turned 18 that money got taken away. I do have a large family and money is very tight.

Would love to hear what other families with girls that age do in simular situation?

LovesHashem

Sun, May 14 2023, 6:16 am

amother OP wrote:

1. Why was she getting money from the gov and why was it taken away?

2. I think every family is different. It's also a cultural thing. With Israeli families with tight finances and lots of kids it's common kids pay for everything themselves after 18. If you could afford it I'd give her some money, even 100 shekels month to put towards toiletries and basic clothing items and tell her she can choose how to use it but it's to help her with some basics.

Elfrida

Sun, May 14 2023, 6:20 am

In terms of toiletries, my mother always bought a bottle of shampoo, shower gel, etc for the family, which anyone was welcome to use. If you wanted something else, you bought and paid for it yourself.

When I was that age, my parents gave me a certain amount each month for clothes. I was welcome to supplement it with any money I earned, or save it for a few months to get something expensive.

In other words, the basics were provided, and if I wanted any extra it was on me to find the extra money.

LovesHashem

Sun, May 14 2023, 6:44 am

amother Mustard wrote:

My parents stopped paying for all my basics at 18 and it hurt. If there’s any way to give her something- would be great in the long run.

Why did it hurt? Because no one else you knew had this? Or because they weren't struggling at all and could definitely afford it?

You live there and eat food, take snacks, spend shabbosim there, are invited to family parties or birthdays use the utilities. As it is that's already a big expense, I'd consider that more basic than buying whatever shampoo you like.

amother

Fern

Sun, May 14 2023, 7:01 am

If she's still in High School, you should still pay. She should not be penalized for having a winter/spring bday, while her siblings with summer/fall bdays will graduate high school at 17 and not be expected to pay.

If she's 18, already graduated high school, and living at home, it is different.

amother

Olive

Sun, May 14 2023, 7:05 am

LovesHashem wrote:

I imagine because she was a child of the home. It’s hurtful to hear that you now need to pay for things that were provided before. If OP is really struggling, I imagine sitting down with DD and asking if she feels like she can contribute a little financially to the household since she is employed and now an adult, would go over better than asking her to start buying her own toiletries while still living in her childhood home- it sounds like she already buys herself most extras.

amother

Beige

Sun, May 14 2023, 7:13 am

I would have different answers depending how tight the finances are.
If I could at all afford, I would continue to supply the basics: regular toiletries, weekday clothes and necessary Shabbat clothing, standard food and a place to live. Also whatever I do for my other kids and would do for this one too. For example if we go away for a weekend, she is welcome to join us on our dime.
Is she continuing to college now? I intend to pay for college (not Ivy League) for my kids and don't expect them to work their way through college though I do recommend they get some kind of part time job.
One child in particular goes over and above and knows she pays for these trips, nice dinners and concerts by herself. But this same child is very driven and works, learns and enjoys nights out with her friends.

gottago

Sun, May 14 2023, 7:19 am

My parents didn't pay for anything once I had a job. It was hurtful because they made it seem like I was a financial burden until then and they were happy to be rid of that liability. They are not people who show their love and the only way I knew that they cared about me was that they bought me basics. When they stopped that, it was really hard.
Then I got married at 20 and all of a sudden they were paying my rent because my husband was in kollel, I was appreciative, but also confused. They don't value me, only my husband's learning.

Now I have a19 year old who is working and I pay for anything that's not a clear extra. I want her to know that her status as someone I provide for hasn't changed just because she has a job. Also, since we hope to help support her when she's in Kollel, bezH, it makes sense to allow her to save up now.

amother

Cyan

Sun, May 14 2023, 8:00 am

Once my girls are back from seminary and working, they're responsible to pay for their own clothes, haircuts, etc. We continue to pay for their food (not eating out with friends of course - anything like that they've paid for themselves for years) and basic toiletries (they pay for their own makeup or any fancy toiletries that aren't the basic family stuff). I remember with my oldest it was a shock for her to have to pay for her own mishloach manos and realize how quickly things add up! It's good for them to learn the cost of things but in a gradual way, not suddenly being responsible for everything.

amother

Foxglove

Sun, May 14 2023, 8:05 am

amother OP wrote:

My 18 year old works a few hours a week and makes a couple hundred a week.. She has a high amount in savings which she is saving for a trip overseas next year.

Whose reposnsibility is it to pay for

Toiletries that only she uses - if it is different than what you buy for the rest of the family (for instance everyone else uses pads and she only likes tampons) - her. If it is the same products but for instance there are no other sisters at home right now who need it - you.

Clothing that is a nessecity.. - twice a year (or however often you buy for the other kids) you buy her the basics as you always have done, anything else is on her.

For years having fun, eating out, transportation for fun things like going out with friends etc we have established for years she pays for. - Right.

We were getting a decant amount from the goverment for her and then once she turned 18 that money got taken away. I do have a large family and money is very tight. - that's not her fault, and you knew this was coming.

amother

Brickred

Sun, May 14 2023, 8:06 am

My 18 yr old son is in dorm/beis medrash. So for the most part, he's covered. He does come to me to pay for things, but not excessively. He had a small job and did buy for himself new clothing, and I was impressed. I think covering basics, if you can, is good and extras , she should pay for
My son went with friends on a being hazmanim trip and wanted $200. So I said that he should pay for. Yeshiva camp is $3000. I am really tempted to ask him to chip in, esp since he is working there part time, and it will probably come out of my savings.... But I feel bad cuz technically we have the $...

amother

Foxglove

Sun, May 14 2023, 8:13 am

amother Brickred wrote:

Camp for an 18yo is already on the teen's bill, not yours.

This isn't about whether you have the money, it's about A spending your money wisely and B teaching a young adult to be a young adult.

amother

Olive

Sun, May 14 2023, 8:25 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

Camp for an 18yo is already on the teen's bill, not yours.

This isn't about whether you have the money, it's about A spending your money wisely and B teaching a young adult to be a young adult.

But he’s a yeshiva guy and chances to make $ are limited because of the time he spends in yeshiva. If we want our kids to value that this is what he should be doing right now as an 18 year old young adult, we need to help by supporting it financially.

mikayla18

Sun, May 14 2023, 8:35 am

If you can afford it, pay for it. If not... no I don't think you should go into debt for it.
I paid for my clothing since probably 15 or 16. Always worked, I didn't love it cuz all of my closest friends were from wealthier families and their parents bought everything for them even married... but I knew what my parents could do and I would never want to put unnecessary pressure on my parents so I did what I needed to do. I would try for my own kids to pay for anything and everything I could though. On principal, I believe that parents should help their kids if they could, even if their kids don't need it. They need to feel the love.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, May 14 2023, 8:56 am

Once I started working at 16 I paid for my own extras. My parents still paid for the big basics shopping twice a year and would occasionally pick up the tabs if we were on a outing together. They paid for all basic household toiletries but if I wanted a new eye shadow pallet every week that was on me. If I went out to eat or went on trips or anything, that was on me. I dormed for college so they didn't a big toiletries and nosh stock up in the beginning and I upkept from there.

It shouldn't be about your income, it's about when your kids should start assuming some financial responsibility

Golde

Sun, May 14 2023, 9:22 am

No one here can tell you what to do, everyone has different standards and expectations and community norms and not least different financial situations and financial values.
As long as your DD isn't neglected, you can do what you deem right for you and your family. It's a lot about chinuch, not only financial means.
As you see, a couple of posters above have said that it hurt when their parents stopped paying for their expenses.
I had the opposite experience. I was raised to value independence, and honestly I couldn't wait to support myself, it was such a good feeling not to get money from my parents and still manage. It made me feel mature and grown-up, even though I was still living at home. I paid for those things you list without regrets. My own children are not that old yet but I hope to instill similar values in them.
However, your situation and values might be different.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, May 14 2023, 9:48 am

Personally,

As someone who did start covering her own bills at age 18,

And worked two afternoon/evening jobs to cover my bills while attending seminary in the mornings,

And am now the mom of teenagers myself, KA"H,

I think it's a bad idea to make your own financial issues entirely your child's problem,
And to throw her in to the deep end before you teach her to swim.

Have you sat down with her to discuss budgeting and finances? Have you prepared her for this new stage of life? Have you discussed credit and how to build credit?

Or are you just washing your hands of her financially because that makes your life easier?

Her peers are likely in Israel for seminary at 18. Clearly she isn't. Is she in college? Are you guiding her towards a financially responsible lifestyle?

Don't abandon her financially. If you do, it may really harm your relationship. Discuss finances with her and show her you are available to guide her and advise her through this new stage of life. Realize that she is probably not earning much as she has no training yet. Guide her to a life of financial responsibility. Like I said, don't throw her in the deep end if you haven't taught her to swim. That could be very hurtful. Ease into this new stage slowly and thoughtfully.

Do not abruptly abandon financial responsibility for her simply because you can't handle it. Be intentional and thoughtful about this.

Is she training for a career? In college?

Good luck.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, May 14 2023, 9:55 am

Golde wrote:

I'm guessing your parents had $$$$. And you grew up with $$$$. So the financial independence at adulthood felt exciting to you.