Help me not be burned out from hosting

amother

Mon, May 29 2023, 8:29 pm

amother Junglegreen wrote:

I took a break from hosting for simchas that went into the covid period and I never really went back to it. Part of it is that we rearranged the house in a way that didn’t give guests their own separate area, just a guest room/office now and guests need to share the bathroom with my kids. But it was good for my boys to be separate rooms and so we changed it around and during covid no one came anyway.

I think what led me to do what was good for us was this: some time ago a family came to stay (hosting for a simcha I wasn’t even invited to as a last minute favor) and they had the whole 3rd floor to themselves and a bathroom. That is where the guest room used to be. But I overheard the wife complaining bitterly about the accommodations which I thought were entirely acceptable, but no it wasn’t a 5 star hotel. We also had been away that week and I had little time to prepare so the house was messier than usual (we came home right before shabbos and only had time to get food ready). Still their room was clean, they had their own bathroom and were shown everything in the kitchen if they needed coffee or food. I felt so ashamed after hearing this young lady complain that I stopped saying yes and made excuses when people asked.

Every now and then I feel badly we don’t have a real guest suite anymore, but I felt so ashamed after that experience - especially since I think I keep things nice. I just don’t want “fancy” people I don’t know staying here. If the young families expect a hotel they should stay in one. I also don’t relate to the standards. I live in a big house with plenty of space but when I was younger we lived in apartments and people slept on our couches or air mattresses. we also stayed with families in apartments, on kids beds, (kids giving up their rooms for guests) shared bathrooms etc. Nowadays the expectations are off the charts.

I think you did a wonderful thing by opening your home to people when you weren’t even going to be there. I don’t do that - too stressful. And don’t feel ashamed for two seconds. If people don’t like it they don’t have to come. You should see the house I grew up in in NY, and my parents had guests all the time. Yes there is a lot of entitlement these days. This feels so sad to me…

amother

Obsidian

Mon, May 29 2023, 8:33 pm

amother Junglegreen wrote:

Had a couple similar experiences. However, most guests have been thrilled to have accommodations with a separate area and their own bathroom, so I focus on those and the good feeling it gave to know that most people are genuinely appreciative and satisfied. Interestingly, the ones who are the most thrilled are usually the ones who come from big families and/or of average means--they do not have high expectations and are just happy to have privacy especially a private bathroom in a clean if not fancy home.

amother

Grape

Mon, May 29 2023, 8:34 pm

OP, I'm sorry that you had such an unpleasant experience. My final straw on hosting happened when a very dear friend asked me to host her friends and family of five children over Shabbos Chol Hamoed Sukkos at the last minute. It was this woman's family simcha and she had no one nearby to host her as she did not grow up religious. I already had misgivings because another local family had declined to host them and it suggested that they hadn't behaved nicely while making the plans. In deference to my friend, and feeling sorry that they had no other plans, I agreed to host them. It was also with the understanding that their meals were covered by the simcha. I already had guests for both meals and my Sukkah was full. Unfortunately, they were such demanding guests and treated me like I was at their service. They decided they didn't want to attend the simcha meals and asked to use my Sukkah despite our agreement. When I told them I had no space, they said they would stand outside and wait until we were done. I had to tell them that simply didn't work for me but they continued to push back. The parents slept in on Shabbos morning and I was stuck supervising their children while they trashed my playroom. The mother then put her two year old on my dining room table (the real furniture for which we saved for years) while I stared in disbelief. Who does that? It seemed like total disregard for someone else's things. I finally had to ask her to remove him. The husband didn't even greet my husband, who tried to be friendly and welcoming. It was clear that the middos of the children reflected the parents' behavior. It was such a turnoff that I decided to be much more cautious in hosting total strangers. What a shame because over the years we have hosted some very lovely gracious people and have been wonderfully hosted as well. Our kids still talk about the incident, so maybe it did have the silver lining of teaching them how not to act and how to be good guests.

amother

Junglegreen

Mon, May 29 2023, 8:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Oh we were there - sorry you misunderstood. I meant that we HAD been away and just got back with barely any time to prepare for shabbos, let alone last minute guests. It just happened that my break became longer because of covid and I didn’t go back to how it was before. That incident just made think about priorities in our space and caring less about what others think.

I think you should always take a break if feeling burnt out. It’s a lot to make shabbos for family and guests and a whole other level to provide out of town guests with a private space, clean linens etc.

amother

Fern

Mon, May 29 2023, 9:09 pm

I would definitely take a break, and use that time to think about how you can make it more comfortable and sustainable for you. Consider maybe limiting how often you host (once a month? 2x? Every other month?) so that you have private, restful shabbosim for yourself and your family.

Then you can think about limiting it to adults or teenagers, or rethink how to keep yours and your kids' special belongings safe from guests that are thoughtless or destructive.

amother

Junglegreen

Mon, May 29 2023, 10:34 pm

imasinger wrote:

OP, did you say anything to the parents about leaving 4 kids unattended, and about their going into a locked closet?

I'm curious how such people handle a discussion about it.

I have spoken to people about their kids behavior at my house. Very calmly like, “you should probably know this happened. I would want to know.” I am careful to just say it’s about respect of others and awareness of being in someone else’s home. I don’t get into damaged things or asking for money. It’s rarely about the actual things for me and more about respect and privacy. And I am careful to frame it so the parents don’t feel like bad parents - like it’s hard to keep an eye on them, I get and I have been there, but they need to know this is my house and not theirs…

amother

Mon, May 29 2023, 10:45 pm

amother Junglegreen wrote:

It’s still really nice if you to have guests when you just got back at the last second.

amother

Mon, May 29 2023, 11:07 pm

amother Junglegreen wrote:

I think you’re so brave. It’s such an unpleasant thing to have to do. And likely the people are not coming back ever again…

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:13 am

amother OP wrote:

That’s a good idea but I don’t think a deposit would fly. It’s common practice in my neighborhood to host as a chessed…I think that’d come across as just plain weird.

In my city there are an abundance of gmachim for almost everything. A majority require a deposit by a check or cash if you want to borrow something.
Every hotel takes a deposit (they block a certain amount on your c/card)
When there's money involved people are always more careful.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:18 am

amother OP wrote:

We can’t block off the suite because the only way to get to it is through our playroom. That’s just how the house is built. The bedrooms and bathroom are very private and we don’t hear noise but when the kids are in the playroom it’s kind of ‘open’ (which you can clearly see) so noise travels to the whole house.
We were thinking of making a rule no kids under age 10, I just feel so bad because it’s so hard for the ba’al Simcha.
Also, the problem with lots of ‘rules’ (like no unsupervised kids, for example) is that they make guests uncomfortable and make them feel ‘not wanted’ (I know that’s how we felt when we were guests for a Simcha and the host had a lot of ‘rules’). Plus, you’d never think people would leave their kids unsupervised.
My few rules have signs (for example, only the tissues we provide in the toilet - following that other thread…we also had thousands of dollars of damage from a sewage backup because guests flushed the wrong tissues…)…people IGNORE the signs. What else do we do?!?

Personally I would take them to Din Torah and demand full compensation.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, May 30 2023, 6:26 am

amother OP wrote:

Yeah we might have to say that. Doesn’t matter if we know the ba’al Simcha, as we’ve sadly learned. It’ll only be kids from our own guests that we allow. I just feel so bad Sad

How are people spossed to put up whole families for a Simcha if others can’t have guests with kids…

No reason to feel bad. When you have kids you know that some places are not intended for them. Like hotel with a business executive lounge.