Teaching kids it's okay to cry

amother

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 1:38 pm

Okay, so I know that it seems to be accepted that we shouldn't tell kids to stop crying. That it's okay to express emotions and all of that.

But am I allowed to set boundaries for myself and the other kids in the house around the child who is crying? For example, "It's okay, you can cry if you need to, but right now it's hurting my ears so I'm going to go into another room." (This would be in a situation where I've already spent a few minutes cuddling with the child or sympathizing with the child, but I'm starting to feel sensory overload and am feeling overwhelmed by the noise.)

Or "I know, you're so sad. Right now [brother] needs to do his homework/eat dinner/clean his room (or is just annoyed by the noise, which happens), and he can't do it with such a loud noise in the room, though. Here, let's go to the other room so you can cry while he does his homework. I know, you don't want to, but he tried to leave the room and you followed him into here, so now I'm asking you to give him some space so he can..."

Also, sometimes the crying is in response to me saying "no" to something. At what point is that "expressing emotions" and at what point is it "getting mommy's attention in a negative way"? At what point is "I'm sorry you're sad, I need to wash the dishes now" dismissive of her feelings, and at what point is it setting a healthy boundary?

Can you tell I"ve only had boys before? I now have two girls and don't know what to do with these LOUD, sometimes screetchy emotions. Need advice for preschool and elementary school age, please.

rowena

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 2:30 pm

Mom to all girls here,
It is completely ok to excuse yourself for a few minutes to catch your breath or calm down if you are starting to feel stressed by the crying. Preschool and younger elementary school are still learning self regulation through co-regulation. They are really scared when they have overwhelming emotions, and they look to you to see that you can handle it so it can actually be better overall to see you take some time to care for you're own nervous system, and it's modeling a good tool that they can use when they are older (I sometimes use that time to look at baby pictures of said kid to get my tender motherly feelings flowing again).

I wouldn't make a preschooler go cry in their room alone, but I've successfully framed it as, "I want to be with you and be able to pay attention to you alone. I'm going to go with you to your room, then take care of the dishes, and when I come back you will have my full attention." I don't know if I'd have enough time you wash a sink full of dishes, but I can usually get the most urgent task out of the way so that I have a clearer head to deal with them.

amother

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:19 pm

So tonight was a typical example. Preschooler threw a fit at the table because she got a serving of one food and wanted a lot more of it at a time (there was only a certain amount of that specific food for everyone at the table, and she often wants a big serving and then doesn't eat it). She's screaming, everyone else is trying to talk about their day, etc. The other kids are getting annoyed that she's screaming and are trying to talk to me. I know that my baby is due to wake up from a nap any minute and just want to eat something before that point.

I just want to tell her it's not a huge deal, stop screaming. Or scream as much as you want, but not in the kitchen, we're all trying to enjoy our meal. Am I a horrible mother if I do that?

With my boys, if they cried, it was because they were feeling some really huge emotions. I stopped everything and empathized with them, let them talk about it or just cry and snuggle with me. But it happened rarely, so I could "afford" the time to do that. With my girls, it happens several times a day ON A GOOD DAY. On a not-good day, it could be several times over the course of an hour. And each crying fit lasts 5-10 minutes. Which means I'm giving them a ton of attention and ignoring everyone else...and it feels like it's reinforcing the crying fit...

amother

Marigold

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

So

I just want to tell her it's not a huge deal, stop screaming. Or scream as much as you want, but not in the kitchen, we're all trying to enjoy our meal. Am I a horrible mother if I do that?

..

It is very invalidating and dismissive to tell her it's not a big deal. To her it is a big deal. It does matter to her. Little kids have little issues but to them they feel huge and overwhelming.

I wouldn't tell her she needs to stop crying as that seems like a punishment for expressing emotion. I think you can say gently let me make you be more comfortable in your room in a way that you're rephrasing it's to help her feel better and not a punishment.

rowena

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:38 pm

Oof! That sounds so tough! Of course you're not a bad mom for needing to eat! I was going to try to give you advice, but I am sitting behind a computer screen while my kids are in bed. My ideal response isn't how I'd actually respond in the moment most times, but I try, and it appears that you do to. If you want I can share some books and podcasts. I'm really interested in child and developmental psychology so I have curated some resources with really valuable information that is delivered in a compassionate, non-judgmental way that doesn't feel like adding more to your overwhelmed to do list.

amother

Lightpink

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:50 pm

I have this question all the time. Most of my kids, and especially my very dramatic 4 year old, have temper tantrums and SCREAM when things don't go their way. Even if they fall down and get a little bump, they will prolong the crying and screaming. I understand comforting them, validating their emotions, etc, and I try to do that, but my kids don't seem to have an "off" switch once they start crying and at a certain point it feels like I'm not doing them any favors by allowing them to continue. Especially when they raise their voices to the max deliberately, almost as if they're doing it for attention. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure where to draw the line either with kids who get mad more than they get sad.

amother

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:58 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

YES, this.

amother

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:02 pm

rowena wrote:

Thank you so much for the offer. I'm open to resources if you think that they address this question specifically. I really do feel very confident in my parenting skills. I know how to help my preschooler feel independent, how to ask my elementary schooler to do something she doesn't want to do, how to listen to their feelings and reflect them, how to deal with them when they're fighting, or upset, or whatever. I'm actually not at an overwhelmed point right now in my life. This is the one issue I find coming up again and again. I always erred on the side of "give attention and a listening ear when they cry, they're having big feelings and can't deal with them on their own," and it worked for my boys. But with these girls, I keep on wondering if I'm making things worse? If I'm teaching them to cry longer and louder to get more attention from Mommy? And I feel badly that it takes time away from my other kids (and that when one of them does it, it takes time away from the other one...which probably makes them more likely to cry to get my attention...)

amother

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:05 pm

amother Powderblue wrote:

We distinguish between crying and tantruming/screeching. You're allowed to cry if you get hurt or are upset. You're not allowed to screech in emas ear. If you really want to screexh, please go into a different room. Otherwise we can discuss it when you're ready to tell me whats brothering you, or if you want me to help you calm down

So again, that's what I'm having a hard time doing. If my child falls down and hurts herself, I"m totally fine with them crying. If a sibling knocks down their magnatile tower too. But when it's that they don't want to do something I've asked them to do, or when they do want to do something I"ve said no to...that's when I'm not sure anymore. Like, I get that you're disappointed. I can even do the whole "good parenting" thing and think about how they must feel disappointed, tell them "Aw, youre disappointed that you're not getting X," but at the end of the day when they're crying about it (and to me, their cries all sound like screams! Again, different from my boys), I just feel like c'mon girls, stop getting all dramatic about this...

amother

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:08 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

And when she refuses to leave the room? Carry her out while she screams like I'm hurting her? I'll do that if that's the right thing to do, I've definitely done that when my kids are getting violent with siblings or need to cool down elsewhere (can you tell I'm talking about my boys?), and I have learned to do it calmly and in a no-nonsense way. But my girls would never just think "Oh, Mommy is saying I will feel better if I go calm down in a different room, that makes sense..." THey want to stay where everyone is and scream.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

"I know you're upset by x, but tantruming isn't going to change my mind. If you want to calm down and discuss with me what we can do next/next time/ etc to make you feel better I'd be happy to have you come sit here, but if you're going to scream in my ear I'm going to walk away". I check in every 3ish minutes if they're ready to calm down and talk and they eventually do. My kids are super cuddly and climb into my lap for that step which helps

amother

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:11 pm

amother OP wrote:

ETA I think it bothers me the most with my older one. Like I can be patient when a 1 year old throws a tantrum because she wants a pink cup instead of the purple one I gave her. It's age-appropriate. I can be patient when a 3 year old does it, within reason, as long as it's not happening several times an hour. But when an 8 year old does it, I have less patience. Like "Act your age!" (No, I wouldn't say that to her, but I'm sure thinking it...)

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

So I generally scoop up the baby and leave the room to a room with a door and close it. Tantruming child generally follows and screams outside my door for a few min, and then knocks to come in and calm down

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

With the 8 year old you may need to help her learn some calming techniques when she's not mid tantrum. Our favorites are a cup of ice water with a squirt of flavor or a yogurt

Highstrung

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:16 pm

Same questions as you op. After only first having boys, I am at a total loss with how to deal with the daily crying fits of my 4/5 yr old. Often validation does the trick. Lots of times she needs a hug and kiss along with it . Sometimes she needs me to hold her in my arms and give calming back rubs and most times I’m at a loss and don’t know how to deal with it. My daughter also gets physical when she gets upset and will hit or kick . In that case I tell her to use her voice and cry as loud as she needs to , in order to express her feelings.

gibberish

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:19 pm

"You feel so sad! I'm sure that doesn't feel good! It's okay to feel upset but let's find a way to calm your body and feel better.
Let's think of a few things that help us feel calm when we are upset. Do you think coloring (or reading, eating, taking a drink, fill in the blank) will help?"
Idea is to teach kids self-regulation skills and something they can do to help regulate themselves. It's definitely okay for you to leave the room if you are feeling overwhelmed, but I wouldn't punish or send a kid to their own room for being upset.

amother

Eggshell

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:19 pm

amother Marigold wrote:

Crying because she’s sad and crying because she’s mad are not the same thing.
If a mother can’t differentiate, her child can end up being a really tough person to be around.

rowena

Thu, Jun 01 2023, 9:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

It was very helpful to me to learn the ins and outs of childhood development because I was able to reframe that the tantrums were normal and healthy and part of their immature brains, but that's just me.

"How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" is an oldie but a goodie, and very practical. I think the first few chapters to have tools that you can use in these scenarios. I will just say that I used to do the whole validating script thing, and it took a good few years to work. The difference came when I actually started to believe what I was telling them, and not just using it as a tool to get them to shut up. My kids are intuitive like that, like they somehow sense my racing heartbeat and shallow breathing, and know that I don't actually mean what I say.

And a question that will probably sound judgy, but please please don't take it that way, I'm aiming it toward myself too. Why is it that we accept the emotion of sadness in our kids, but not the emotion of anger?

And one last thing. We really don't need to get it right all the time, and we won't. If you were too busy or overwhelmed or tapped out in the moment you can come back later and say, "I wasn't available to listen during dinner. You really wanted more french fries, and there weren't enough for you. You can tell me all about it now." It might even be more valuable to wait until she is finally calm, because their brain shuts down when they are in distress and they can't really be taught then.