When did you notice your kid was not neurotypical

amother

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 8:21 am

There are always kids that talk late, struggle socially in preschool or even need an extra hand in lower elementary school and somewhere along the way they "catch up" and by highschool they are just fine even if they are not Ms. Popular or a straight A student and they hold down jobs and marry and adn lead productive adult lives - and their early struggles are forgotten.

Then there are those adults that are for lack of a better term 99%. They lack certain social nuances, they can probably live independantly as adults but they do need extra help and even if they are on the their own, someone is involved in their day to day lives to make sure they are doing what they should and helping out as neccessary.

By the time high school or even middle school comes around I imagine the parents of a person in the second category realize that the problems are more deep then just the kid needs time and will "catch up".

My question is as follows - if you have a kid/adult in catergory two - at what point did you realize that your child was't 100 percent neurotypical and would not "catch up" and end up totally mainstream, and on the flip side if you have a kid/adult in catergory one at what point were they "caught up" and you breathed a sigh of relief that your child will end up a mainstream adult.

I hope my question is clear. Thanks in advance for your responses.

amother

DarkCyan

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 8:39 am

I was in denial until my son was in third grade. I was concerned about some things, but sure he would "normalize." In third grade he began getting in trouble in school, and then refusing to go to school, for reasons that really indicated that he was reading his social environment in inappropriate ways. We have been chasing a diagnosis, then therapies, and then appropriate schooling ever since. It has been a difficult journey for our whole family to raise a child who is, as you say, 99%. The social and learning expectations of him are as high as a neurotypical child (he looks completely normal, and acts somewhere close to normal....) but he is always a few screws short of all the social nuances to be happy and understood.

amother

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 9:36 am

miami85 wrote:

I knew that there was something "different" with my son the day he was born. My suspicions were confirmed at around 20 months that there was "a something". He was a very bouncy off-the-wall toddler, but EI calmed him down a lot. At 10 years old (during Covid, but after he went back to brick-and-mortar classroom) did we confirm that it was ADHD.

I have a brother and a child with ADHD and am very familiar with it. Are you saying your child with ADHD has a "something" and will never be 100 neurotypical or that once you found the diagnosis you were able to help him and IYH his childhood struggles will be forgotten.

amother

Outerspace

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 10:26 am

Op I think your assessment is kind of harsh. I have 2 children who are not neuro typical and I am completely positive that they can hold down jobs and be in a long term relationship and raise children. Even though they have difficulties now. Even though they need therapies and assistance.

I think kids, and especially frum kids, have a very narrow arena in which to develop. Society allows much much more flexibility for adults. And I know my kids will be fine. They will have struggles just like the rest of the world. They will be just as human as anyone else. I think we all know the queens in high school who aren't on the throne in adulthood. I believe with an unwavering rock solid faith that in this great big world, there is a place for all children and my children too. If God can be so powerful that He monitors every blade of grass, then I believe His world has room for my kids. Even if they might not be typical.

amother

Canary

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 10:28 am

I realized before 3 year old preschool that something wasn’t typical. She was asked to leave fairly quickly because of toileting issues. Then she missed a lot of school because of Covid and we tried to get her into pre1a. Within a month of yom tov we were already getting called to multidisciplinary meetings, where they suggested (demanded) ABA support. At the time, I thought the required autism diagnosis was just for services. But when we actually got her evaluated, the autism diagnosis was for real. And it came along with ADHD and anxiety. In retrospect I’m not sure what I was thinking, because it was fairly obvious. At the end of that year she changed schools and repeated a year. BH she’s doing well now with support, but I take it one year at a time. In early elementary, I don’t have to worry about whether she can ‘make it’ as an adult. I don’t have to worry about any of my kids at that age. It’s simply not pertinent.

amother

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 10:45 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

Plenty of children struggle as kids and may even diagnosis of some sort yet they are able to overcome their challanges and lead fully fuctional adult lives with jobs and families. There are some adults though that look pretty typical at first glance but they have social issues that prevent them from being able to lead a "regular" adult life and they need extra assistance. At young ages it is hard to tell if the childs issues will be able to be worked with to the point where he or she can lead a regular life or not. I am curious when people were able to draw that line.

amother

Hosta

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 10:52 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

Everything you wrote is true but in fairness to op, I didn’t hear her suggesting there’s no room in this world for kids or adults who aren’t neurotypical. Sounded more like she was asking at what age neurodivergence becomes apparent and at what age it can be confirmed. You yourself said your kids need therapies and assistance. Could be op just wants to have an idea what to expect on her child raising journey or at what point she has to make decisions about things like school placement and reaching out for help.

amother

Eggplant

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 11:00 am

My son was diagnosed at age 3, but there were differences from when he was an infant. I was fairly certain of his diagnosis by age 2, but there was a 1 year waitlist to get evaluated.

In all honesty, I don't think of the long-term. We put one foot in front of the other and do what we can to help him now. I'm sure he will manage even if he is a little "different."

At this point he has very borderline ASD, though at times he presents as more ADHD and anxiety, depending on how he's doing at the given time. Things tend to ebb and flow with ups and downs.

amother

Lightpink

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 11:27 am

Well both me and my husband have adhd. He is combined, mine is inattentive. So I sort of expected it. I just didn't know what it looked like in a young child. Can't sleep. Can't sit still. In her own world. Speech delay aside. Once she got the adhd diagnosis end of 1st grade we could start helping her. That was a relief. Medication was life changing. For my son, it was more of a fight. I was a sweet kid until frustration took over. I could tell he wasn't typical but getting an evaluator to see that was hard. Fighting for services is hard. Because he is such a darling that people assume he doesn't need help.

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 11:40 am

I knew there was something up when he was 5 or so, but only after his teachers suggested that I take him for an evaluation did I actually get him checked out. He has ADHD, and I suspect may be on the spectrum too. He's a teen now, though, and has never gotten that diagnosis.

Another went through a very very challenging couple of years during toddlerhood. Way beyond normal terrible twos. He is now a teenager also, and other than some mild anxiety, he's "normal," whatever that means.

But please realize that a diagnosis does not mean that your child will become an adult who won't live independent, happy, productive lives. I have ADHD. I'm a loving mother, have an enjoyable job, and B"H a great marriage. I have learned to support myself in tasks that are hard for me, and to surround myself with people who love me despite my struggles (e.g., remembering birthdays, being on time).

Phoebe31

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 11:46 am

[quote="amother Outerspace"]Op I think your assessment is kind of harsh. I have 2 children who are not neuro typical and I am completely positive that they can hold down jobs and be in a long term relationship and raise children. Even though they have difficulties now. Even though they need therapies and assistance.

I think kids, and especially frum kids, have a very narrow arena in which to develop. Society allows much much more flexibility for adults. And I know my kids will be fine. They will have struggles just like the rest of the world. They will be just as human as anyone else. I think we all know the queens in high school who aren't on the throne in adulthood. I believe with an unwavering rock solid faith that in this great big world, there is a place for all children and my children too. If God can be so powerful that He monitors every blade of grass, then I believe His world has room for my kids. Even if they might not be typical.[/quote

I agree with this, she is looking at it in a black and white way, many people with ASD and ADHD will end up being successful, they just need to find their strengths and learn to deal with this world.

amother

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 12:20 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

Millions of people have diagnosis and live completely regular normal lives and are successful in adulthood. I am not asking when your child got a diagnosis. I am asking when in the kids life did you realize that it was more than just ADHD mild ASD etc and they will be socially handicapped as adults.

I have a cousin who spoke very late and acted developmentally delayed as a toddler. He was in a special ed preschool and then mainstreamed with a shadow for first grade. As time went on he bh "caught up" I remember my aunt crying as he confindently led the in house maariv minyan at his bar mitzva because when he was younger she was not sure he would end up and bh all her worries were over. He may never be a rocket scientist but he is as completely normal teenager and no one would ever know he had a rockier beginning.
On the flip side my mother has a good friend with a daughter similiar age to me. She was painfully shy as a kid and never really got social norms as far as grooming and fashion. She was the messy kid who picked her nose. It was always assumed she just needed a little more time and then "will get it." At a certain point maybe middle or highschool it was realized that the problems here are more serious than just needs time and now this girl is close to 40, lives at home, her parents are extremely involved in her day to life and she works part time as a nursery assistant.

Both parents had concerns about their kids as a child but one parent was able to put the concerns in the rearview mirror and watch their child thrive and the other set of parents, as the child grew older realized that the social concerns were deeper than they originally thought and unfortunatley that child is not an indepent thriving adult.

My question is at one point were you able to say TYH, we can work with these issue and IYH have a successful adult or at one point did you realize that your child will not grow out of or learn to deal with the problems and lead a successful indepent adult life.

bigsis144

Mon, Jun 12 2023, 12:35 pm

I took my child for an evaluation at 6 years old, after I had been suspecting neurodivergence for 3+ years (it runs in the family as well).

I was told “nah, some kids just need firm boundaries and see the world as half empty” and I felt like a parenting failure for YEARS as his behavior got more intense.

I took him for another evaluation when he was 12 and it was a RELIEF to get a diagnosis of autism + adhd + depression + anxiety. I finally felt like I wasn’t crazy and incompetent. My challenges were real and not my fault.

And Baruch Hashem, with the right medication and a team at school who is very compassionate and accommodating, he is doing well at school and his behavior at home is significantly improved. Baruch Hashem Baruch Hashem.