Is this the norm? Bat mitzva party invitation

amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:03 pm

Dh's cousin had a bat mitzvah party for her daughter in Deal and did not invite us because we live in Brooklyn.

We are not close but she even called me to ask the number of the DJ for DS' Bar Mitzvah. I thought we would be invited.

Is this normal? Were we snubbed?

amother

Oldlace

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:05 pm

It wouldn’t occur to me to be invited. 1- is a bas mitzva 2- is not a niece, it’sa distant relative

dena613

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:07 pm

If the other cousins were invited and you weren't (same tier relationship), that's insulting.
If no other relatives of same tier were invited then it's not a snub

Since you gave advice, it would be nice if they text you pictures

amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:29 pm

It's a small family, and yes all other cousins were invited.

Personally, I always invite family, and always invited them to our family events.

Oh well, I guess we were snubbed!

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:31 pm

Your relative may have been tactless asking for info for a party to which you weren't invited, but she was not necessarily snubbing you. Did she invite other cousins? How do you even know whom she invited? It may have been a party just for the girl and her friends and classmates, in which case not only did your relative not snub you, she wasn't even tactless in asking you for the entertainer's contact info.

amother

Clear

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

It's a small family, and yes all other cousins were invited.

Personally, I always invite family, and always invited them to our family events.

Oh well, I guess we were snubbed!

All other cousins that also live in Brooklyn or elsewhere where it's a far drive? Or all other cousins that live in their community?
We sometimes invite only local relatives.

amother

Clear

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:32 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

I don't think it's tactless to ask others for information regarding something & not invite them. We don't need to invite just because we asked for a phone number.

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:33 pm

Would you have gone had you been invited? Do you have a history of not attending simchas that are outside of Brooklyn? Brooklynites have a reputation of being unwilling to travel out of the boro. If you are one of those people, perhaps she assumed you wouldn't be bothered to attend anyway, why waste an invitation?

amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:35 pm

Someone else in the family commented that the others were invited and said she didn't invite because she didn't think we would come. Most live in NJ but some in Brooklyn were invited.

Initially I confess I was a little hurt since this is not how I deal with family but since others posted that some people do this I will be dan lekaf zechus and will try my best not to have hard feelings.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:39 pm

Some people then feel obligated
And the host can think she is doing them a kindness not to obligate

amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:40 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

Some people then feel obligated
And the host can think she is doing them a kindness not to obligate

Never thought of it that way. Thanks for the perspective.

amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 8:41 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

You know, I would have.
Family matters so much to me, I would have made the effort.

amother

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 9:33 pm

amother Snapdragon wrote:

Sounds like she forgot to invite you

Could be. But she did ask me for party advice so I wasn't expecting it. If this was a large family, I would understand more. But a lot of answers here gave me some perspective.. Rationally speaking, I forgive and understand. Emotionally, it's harder to not feel snubbed.

amother

Clear

Mon, Aug 14 2023, 9:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

The relatives that were invited from Brooklyn, are the same close to them then you are? Perhaps they have girls the age of the Bat Mitzvah girl and you don't?
My daughter's bat mitzvah is coming up & we're only planning to invite those that have girls around my daughters age. We need to keep the invites to a minimum and this makes most sense.

seeker

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 1:17 am

Do your kids have a relationship with hers? Some of my cousins' kids barely know mine while others are friends or at least close acquaintances, usually based on my relationship with the parents. We invite and get invited to bas mitzvahs of those we have that relationship with, and not those we don't usually see much of.

amother

Moonstone

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 1:34 am

I didn’t invite a family member to my daughter’s Bas mitzvah because it was mostly for her class and this relative lives far away. I found out later they were planning to come and looking forward to it. I felt so bad. And it would have been so nice to have them. I just didn’t think to do it. I still feel bad about it.

familyfirst

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 1:40 am

Op- you are right to feel snubbed. If she extended the invite to cousins of the same tier as yourself, then she should have extended to yiu as well. You get to decide whether you would attend or not.

Having said that, it’s time to move on. And thank you for bringing awareness to this sensitive matter.