18 month old very unhappy since starting day care- normal?

amother

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:32 pm

I know that a transition period is to be expected and I keep holding that at the back of my mind but he is showing some really sad and upsetting behaviours which have really taken me by surprise- he is not my first.

A rundown of what has happened so far:
Note he was at a babysitter the whole of last year so since he was 6 months old.

The morah this year is newly married and this is her first year of running a group. I did a lot of background checking and all seemed positive plus she has years of experience in practical terms and qualifications. She herself seems really sweet.

The first few days were like and hour here and there ''getting to know you'' but the the morah didn't really make an effort to engage with the children, she jus sort of sat to the side whilst the mothers played with their kids.

The first full day, he cried when I left as expected but seemed genuinely happy and talkative when I came to pick him up.

She has a agreement that she provides all food and on the first day there was beautiful fruit cut up for the kids to eat when they arrived and she told me he ate a full hot lunch.

The second day, similar scenario. He cried when I left but was happy to sit in his stroller eating a breakfast snack she had prepared. When I pick him up he is considerably more withdrawn and seemed almost ''anxious'' to leave saying ''car car car go go go go'' repeatedly.

Day 3. I drop him off but there is no food. Note she also doesnt make any effort to take him from me- she sort of leaves it up to the mother to settle the kid which is actually really difficult if the child is upset. He seemed quite placid when I left him but when he got home.... non stop screaming and clinginess and crying until bedtime.

Day 4: Again no food. I left him in the stroller and he just seemed to be staring into space not registering anything when I said goodbye. When I picked him up I asked how long he was in the stroller for, thinking she would say not long. She told me 1.5 hours! Did she make no effort to take him out at all? Just sitting there for 1.5 hours!! He gets home and t is evident to me he hasn't napped- he is ready for bed and again its another day of endless tantrums. He is also ravenous.

Day 5: I am knocking on the door in the morning for a good 10 min, she cannot hear me because there is music BOOOMing from inside the house. She finally hears the door and I hint politely that the music is a little loud (poor kids that were there were whimpering), she doesn't seem to get the hint and says she will put a sign up that parents should ring the bell. Again he is left sitting in his stroller staring into space. And equally anxious to leave when I come and get him.

He is having terrible sleep at home, keeps waking up crying. And although ts great not having to send any food- how can I know if he is actually eating?

WWYD?
How long do I call it adjusting?
What would you say to the morah?

amother

Clear

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:34 pm

I'm definitely getting red flags, any way you can drop by sometime in middle of the day and see what's going on?

giftedmom

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:34 pm

Get him out of there yesterday. You know this isn’t normal. Trust your gut. You don’t need us to tell you that. Protect your baby. He can’t do it himself.

glick

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:36 pm

I would love if any morahs of this age group could chime in and say their opinion on adjustment periods for this age?

amother

Junglegreen

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:36 pm

This doesn’t sounds like a good fit. I could say more but I’ll leave it at that

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:40 pm

Your baby is telling you this isnt working. Listen to him.

amother

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:41 pm

Is it overreacting to pull him out after a week?

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:41 pm

I would ask her more direct questions. Whats the daily schedule? Does you play with them or is it free play on your own all day? What and when does he eat? Whats the naptime protocol?

while its definitely normal to still be anxious by dropoff it sounds more like he's checked out/given up on the day and is just miserable from the day when you pick him up.

Does she consider herself a babysitter or a morah? She might be thinking that her job is just to keep them safe but not play with them stimulate them etc For all you know she's busy cooking for RH

Also ask the other mothers especially if their child is more verbal

amother

Clear

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:41 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is it overreacting to pull him out after a week?

No.

amother

Latte

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:44 pm

This isn't about adjustment periods.
The morah should be actively engaging with the child.
Your not there all day, she should be helping you calm him down.

Also, the behavior your describing of him just sitting there apathetically - this is such a classic scenario thst leaves its mark for years to come.

Don't ruin your relationship with your kid ajd leave him in this neglectful situation.

He is begging you to help him, you pick him up and he's in the same stroller.

With a morah who doesn't even pretend to be warm 🤯

Today should be his last day there.

Its not a good "fit"

amother

Beige

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:45 pm

Delete

Last edited by amother on Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:52 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Latte

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is it overreacting to pull him out after a week?

No way

amother

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:46 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

I have asked all the above direct questions- I can ask her what he has eaten that day but for all I know if she says fro example a yogurts, that could mean 2 spoonful's each. I dont know exactly how much he is consuming. I have asked her to make sure he is actually sleeping which she did today. But I can't be doing this the whole year....

The way she advertised herself was very proactive with lots of sensory platy and she does have a lot of very nice toys.

How can I ask sensitively if she is actively stimulating them?

amother

Beige

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:50 pm

Delete

Cheiny

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

She sounds neglectful at best, and despite you saying she has “years of experience,” I’d question that considering she’s newly married and probably young.

I wouldn’t allow this to continue. None of it sounds good. I’d find a different place.

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:55 pm

Definitely pull him out. She should be taking each child from their parent and interacting with them. And leaving him in a scroller for 1.5 hours while awake? That’s terrible.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is it overreacting to pull him out after a week?

I dont think its overreacting. A mom knows best. And it seems like your child is trying to tell you as well. Reg flags for me.

On a side note, is your childs shirt dirty from eating hot lunches at all? Generally 18 year olds arent such clean eaters so you would be able to see if he ate on his shirt. Just a thought.

Cheiny

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

How are you confident she’ll answer truthfully, if she is not stimulating them?

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:56 pm

amother Pumpkin wrote:

I dont think its overreacting. A mom knows best. And it seems like your child is trying to tell you as well. Reg flags for me.

On a side note, is your childs shirt dirty from eating hot lunches at all? Generally 18 month olds arent such clean eaters so you would be able to see if he ate on his shirt. Just a thought.

amother

Phlox

Thu, Sep 07 2023, 2:57 pm

I would absolutely not be ok with any of this. I don't think there's a point in asking more questions, there are too many problems here and she seems totally unaware. I would pull out immediately.