Breaking fast treat

amother

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 8:29 pm

My young teen and husband got themselves a danish for after the fast. I have only one other child who is in lower elementary. I only fast the bigger fasts. My husband walked in with 3 danishes, to give one to my daughter. I stopped him and told him that I already spoke to our DC and she understands that since she didn't fast she isn't getting. I told my husband that it isn't fair to the child who fasted. My son was all upset that my husband got her something. He was so adamant that she should not only have it but have it before the fast is even over and eat it in front of my son. I finally convinced him that she's really fine and will be sleeping when they break their fast and she is really fine.

He can be stubborn and thinks he is always smarter than me. I grew up with lots of siblings. It was very special to fast and we got to get a danish or something.

What do you all think? This happens every fast. This is going to happen for the next few years...

amother

Gardenia

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 8:58 pm

I think it’s nice to include your daughter also. It’s okay that she didn’t fast. She shouldn’t feel left out. Your son does not need to be upset that she is also getting one it’s kind of babyish.

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:00 pm

I don't believe in giving a food item to one child and not another. In my mind it sends the wrong message. My sense is that you want to reward him for fasting. That's really nice, but you don't want to punish the nonfasters. One way to do that is to prepare a nice break fast and to make it clear that the family members who need to break their fast should eat first. However, I would not deprive the other children of any goodies offered at the break fast. I agree that it isn't a good idea to eat in front of children who are still fasting. The child fasting should go into a different room and let the ones who are too young or otherwise unable to fast have their dinner. You could give the younger one the treat at tomorrow's breakfast or after school.

amother

Antiquewhite

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:03 pm

Is your daughter too young to fast? I'm assuming so...I would not punish her then.....it's just plain wrong...her mitzvah was to eat just like his was to fast.

smss

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:20 pm

I'm with your husband on this one. If I'm serving a food I'm offering it to all family members. And watching people eat while you're fasting is part of life. Your daughter having a danish too is not taking anything away from your son.

AlwaysGrateful

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:24 pm

Is your daughter asleep when they break the fast? If so, I don't think there's anything wrong with having a danish just for the fasters. I wouldn't wave it in front of her face or anything.

I've done this occasionally, especially if it was a child's first time fasting. The younger kids didn't know, the other kids never said anything to them and the fast was over after they were asleep.

If they were there, watching them break their fast, I might think otherwise.

But either way, I don't think the conversation with your husband should have happened in front of the kids.

amother

Clematis

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:26 pm

Well, if the child is little and will be chattering away giving all the adults headaches as they get their first bites, you can serve the child cake or treat before bedtime.

I have memories of my older siblings shooing us away, only whoever fasted can eat now.
I understand, its so good to drink your coffee in peace, but the little ones are so so jealous.

lucky14

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:26 pm

I think it’s about how it’s viewed. The treat isn’t a reward for fasting. The treat is something yummy to look forward to for after the fast. So it’s not BECAUSE he fasted. So everyone can get it. But his will be waiting for him for after the fast. Your daughter shouldn’t eat hers in front of him.

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:27 pm

I think it's important to reframe this so it doesn't result in an unnecessary parental struggle . I think it's really nice that your dh continued the minhag of buying treats for after the fast and nice that he thought of your dd as well. You can achieve your goal of making the child who fasted feel important by letting him know how proud you and your dh are of him for fasting. That also sets a good example and incentive for your younger one in case she is able to fast in the future. Both parents can be right and send the right message to your kids.

amother

Viola

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:27 pm

I would get her one too, im sad for her . And your son should b happy for her to have one . Mayb if she s a 3 yr old, u can hide it from her and have it when she’s sleeping …. Any older , and especially if she’s seeing it , is just not so nice

amother

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:30 pm

hodeez wrote:

Next time get your daughter a different treat or just tell your son too bad. Why is he jealous of a kid half his age?

He just turned bar mitzvah. He doesn't fast great. He's a bit immature for his age too.

Usually my husband would just give her a small piece. Now that he's fasting he started buying them both a big danish. My son feels it's very unfair.