Beyond overwhelmed and just got asked to host

amother

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 10:33 am

My next-door neighbor just asked me last night to host her relatives, a couple with two toddlers, for the first days of Sukkos, which likely means four days (Friday-Monday, unless they were going to come Thursday night). I’m going through a difficult pregnancy (for which I am grateful), but I am exhausted, sick, and barely holding it together most days. On one hand, I think I could host a couple of adults without a problem, but I don’t think I can handle more toddlers in addition to my own running around the house, getting into things, etc. Is it horrible if I say I’m so sorry but I can’t host them this time? I am beyond maxed out and even stupid things like traffic delays have been setting me off. As it is Yom Tov is extremely stressful for me and I wish I could check out of the whole month of Tishrei.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 10:36 am

Of course you can say no!!
.when I read your title I thought you meant immediate family had asked to come and stay.

Even then its not a given

Nothing to feel bad about at all.

amother

Natural

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 10:41 am

It’s not horrible in the slightest bit for you to say no. What would be horrible would be for you to overextend yourself and then be more short tempered with your family as a result.

Highstrung

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 10:52 am

Say No. People understand that we are not superhuman and sometimes we can’t do a specific favor. Say you are not feeling well and would have loved to but right now is not a good time. That’s it . No guilt needed.

amother

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:01 am

amother Linen wrote:

Why do you think you are obligated to say yes? Of course you say no. You don’t hurt yourself to do favors for others, favors are for when you can take it on.

Because we are literally right next-door, and her elderly mother is coming to visit and I think her extended family wants to spend time with the great grandma. Which I get, and I get it would be really convenient for the couple with toddlers not to have to take their kids very far. I just have no koach and I’m not sure how I’m going to manage carrying food from the kitchen to the Succah for our meals, kal v’chomer having strangers in my space and possibly having the house turned upside down when I am an introvert who is constantly exhausted by the pregnancy and anyways not coping.

(I wish Tishrei were optional. Sad

)

Highstrung

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:05 am

amother OP wrote:

That still doesn’t make it a requirement of you to turn yourself into a pretzel . You need to do chesed for yourself before you do chesed for others.
I remember Rebbetzin Rubnitz in seminary telling us , that chesed done with resentment , is not a chesed. You will feel negativity and have resentment if you say yes this time . By saying No when you need to , it makes it much easier to say yes in the future . The more you give yourself what you need the more you will be able to extend yourself for others because it overflows .

honeymoon

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:11 am

Highstrung wrote:

This. Additionally, if doing chessed with strangers will be at the expense of your own family then it's really no chessed at all. Cliche as it sounds, charity does begin at home. Remember you are creating life and that is the biggest chessed of all.

amother

RosePink

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:13 am

I would only say yes if I had a separate apartment with separate entrance for guests.
Where would you put a couple with kids?
If you don’t have enough private space just say you haven’t been feeling so well lately and you feel bad but you’re just not up to it now.

amother

Ultramarine

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:17 am

Did your neighbor ever host your guest? For me, that would be part of the equation. If not, then of course you can easily say no without a second thought. If she did, I'd have a harder time saying no but if I really felt I couldn't do it I'd say I'm sorry, I feel terrible, I'm really not up to it right now.

And btw, there is no mitzva of hachnosas orchim for ppl who have a place to be, according to what I've learned.

ra_mom

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:18 am

It's ok to say no. It really sounds like you can't host at this time, and you should listen to your needs.
Hopefully she'll understand when you say I really wanted to help out, but I'm just not up to it at this time.
B'shaah Tova!

Goody2shoes

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:21 am

amother Ultramarine wrote:

Hosting is not tit for tat, there are other ways of showing gratitude to someone who hosted your guest for you without burdening yourself with keeping track of who hosted who when.
If you can you can and if not you don't.

amother

Brown

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:22 am

I’m sure if your neighbor actually knew how hard it is for you she wouldn’t even ask.
I once asked to be hosted for YT with two little kids. It was a disaster. There was barely any normal food and the hostess was AWOL most of YT. Turned out she was heavily pregnant and in the middle of a shidduch. I wish she had just said no. I never asked again.

groovy1224

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 11:25 am

amother OP wrote:

)

Tishrei may not be optional, but turning yourself inside out certainly is.

Not only do I think you don't have to say yes, I think it would be wrong to! Your first responsibility is to your own body, the baby growing inside you, and your family. Your neighbor's needs come in at number 47, maybe.