Did your parents never stick up for you.How did that affect

amother

Freesia

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 9:27 pm

I always stick up for them. In fact I was advised by a therapist, when my child got detention for something I felt she didn’t deserve, to write her a note about how she didn’t deserve it. Bottom line is kids have to know you have their back. My parents never did, and it only got worse as I got older and encountered real traumatic problems.

amother

Rainbow

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 10:28 pm

My mom didn't, not because she didn't care for me, but because that's just her. Don't think she ever picked up a phone to a teacher. In return, I barely shared any school stuff with her.

Me with my kids, I call their teacher as I feel is needed. But most important, I try to be very humble.
Silly example. Last year, the first 2 weeks of school, my dd kept complaining that she's nauseous. Till I figured out it's probably her seat. She's a child who likes acknowledgement and being that she got a back seat, didn't feel it. I wasn't going to be this mom who calls a teacher for a SEAT, especially so in beginning. I tried explaining to my dd that everyone gets a chance. That now in the back means next time more up front. But to no avail. After 2 weeks of this I shyly called the teacher and explained the situation to her (guess my dd didn't hide it in school since teacher knew something was up) saying, Im not sure this is the problem but suspecting so. She was so so easy about it, only a seat? That's what will make her happy? No problem. I couldn't believe it. She was like, we will try it and take it from there. Bh change of seat solved the issue.

My oldest is 5th grade and I more less had only good encounters.

giftedmom

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 10:32 pm

I’m a mama bear. But I don’t explode because that’s not how I do things. I do however do what needs to be done. In once case I lied straight out and in another I scared someone pretty good with a few measured words.
I also make sure my kids know that I have their back.

amother

Rose

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 11:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

Do you blow up at the other person.
I blow up something scary.

In what situation? That might actually embarrass your child. When I was kid, another girl pulled my hair and got physical with me. This poor girl had major issues, we all knew the father had abandoned the family, but we were like 9 at this point. She was physical with other girls so this was nothing new. My mother called her house and her oldest sister was handling the situation with my mother (maybe she was already an adult maybe not, but still, this should tell you where the poor girl was holding that it wasn't even her mother.)

Her sister defended her, my mother thought the sister was crazy, they both yelled at each other. Finally the solution that they both came to was that me and the other girl were banned from speaking to each other or hanging out ever again because each thought the other family was crazy. We had previously played at each others houses but that was all over now.

Meanwhile, I went back to school and this girl and I both made up pretty quickly. For the rest of the time I was in school we basically had to hide our friendship from our families. What did our parents /older sister gain? Really nothing. I'm sure they thought they were defending us but I really don't think our needs and concerns ended up being the main factor there.

#BestBubby

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 11:03 pm

I think that Hakoras HaTov to teachers demands

That we not complain over minor issues,

This should be explained to kids.

But for something major, then parents have to speak up.

Kids who are teens should be coached to respectfully advocate for themselves and not have mommy fight their battles.

amother

Impatiens

Mon, Sep 25 2023, 11:18 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

10000%

amother

Valerian

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 6:38 am

My mom would actively go against me any time, it was worse than merely not having my back.

Like if someone's else's kid played clarinet well, it was never "oh wow, Sarah plays clarinet so well!", but instead "oh wow, Sarah plays clarinet so well! My daughter Leah had no musical talent at all!"

Never "hi, salesperson, I'd like to buy soccer cleats for my daughter"
Instead "hi, salesperson, I guess I have to buy soccer cleats for my daughter even though I'm sure she'll quit after the first week like she did with basketball!"

If I won a competition against someone else's kid: "well, you're older/taller/had more practice". If someone else's kid won and I lost: teasing tone "you-ou lo-ost!"

No, I don't blow up. The opposite, to my dismay, I actually have a first instinct to put down my kid!!! But I consciously make a huge effort NOT to do that, and am successful about 95% of the time.

BH Yom Yom

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 6:41 am

amother Valerian wrote:

That is awful. I’m so sorry you went through that. Parents are supposed to protect their kids, not mock or belittle them. I hugged your post genuinely.

Chayalle

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 6:48 am

I don't think blowing up is in your child's best interest, even if you are on their side.

I have had situations where my child got into trouble (minor) in school or camp, and I have always found it best to find a balance of firm, respectful communication. Hold your child accountable for any negative actions on their part, while at the same time normalizing it (let's face it, most kids get in trouble at some point or other; it doesn't have to define them, and it won't, if you react appropriately) and helping your child thru it. Speak to the school/teacher/camp as a partner in your child's chinuch, not as an adversary.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 6:51 am

Grew up in an emotionally healthy and functional home bh. My mother worked in the school (not as a teacher, but interacted with parents) and felt that it wasn't good for us to be constantly calling teachers/principals to work things out - unless there was a situation where the teacher was being very unfair or singling out a child in a bad way. She felt that we needed to learn how to handle discomfort and that mommy swooping in to fix things all the time wouldn't allow us to develop resilience and the ability to deal with hard things on our own.
I'm sure there were times where it was hard for her to watch her children go through something tough, but if she had judged that the child could handle it, she would guide and empathize and support without getting involved with the teacher.
I can remember one time in high school where she spoke up when a teacher was very unfair to my class and it had been a difficult year with that teacher.
I think she also understood from her job that teachers/administrators are human and usually have a cheshbon for their decisions and will generally tune out parents who constantly call to complain about every little issue their child comes home with - she chose to save it for bigger things where they would take her seriously because she wasn't a parent who complained all the time.
I'm really grateful for having grown up this way - it helped me develop resilience and handle things on my own without calling mommy crying after any little thing didn't go well

amother

Magnolia

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 7:27 am

amother OP wrote:

Do you blow up at the other person.
I blow up something scary.

I'm assuming that you know this is not a good reaction and you feel that you go there because your parents never stuck up for you and it's a very charged issue.

Please consider that you might be blowing up at a teacher who made an honest mistake and like you, has childhood scars but different ones- her parents blew up at her for every little thing.

I'm speaking from experience- I'm a teacher and I once had a parent call me and scream at me for half an hour about how I handled a situation. I definitely could have handled it better (although it also wasn't nearly as egregious as she thought, and neither was her daughter 100% innocent like she thought) but I grew up with abusive parents and being yelled at like that actually gave me a panic attack. And of course destroyed our relationship.

amother

Silver

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 7:42 am

DH's father was the rabbi of the community. Any time DH got in trouble as a kid, his father called the school and got him out of it. As a result of never having to face the consequences of his behaviour as a child, he is now completely unable to take responsibility for his actions as an adult.

honey36

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 8:24 am

In terms of school issues- My parents would take the teachers side most of the time, but I actually think this is a good thing. It didn't happen too often since I wasn't a major trouble maker, but when I did make trouble, of course they believed the teacher and would encourage me to start acting better and apologize etc.

I had a friend who was a major trouble maker and was forever lying to her parents that the teachers were just picking on her and singling her out for no reason. Her parents believed her so much and didn't even listen to teachers try to defend themselves! I remember my friend laughing about how much she got away with because her parents were so stupid for believing her.

So yeah, unless you know for certain your child is in the right, I don't think it's always best to take child's side.

amother

Whitewash

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 8:35 am

My mother always took my side. She got a reputation with the school. And made me feel like she didn't think I could take care of things myself. I also stopped sharing things with her.

I think there's a happy medium. I view the teachers and administrators as partners. The same way I would bring up something with my husband, in a positive way, if I thought he could parent a child better in a specific area, I do the same with the school. I assume they have positive intent, and I discuss with them my child's needs and am honest about his/her challenging behavior.

I have a couple of very challenging kids (and B"H some that are not as challenging), so I definitely keep the lines of communication open. I'm not on my kid's "side" or on the teacher's "side." I'm on the side of trying to help my child with the assumption that the teacher is trying to help my child too. I find it to be the most helpful.

(There was one time where I did not feel like the school had my child's best interests at heart, but that was the exception to the rule. That time I did throw a mama bear, but again, many years of many phone conversations, it was the only time.)

amother

Magnolia

Tue, Sep 26 2023, 8:38 am

Just going to add that it's quite rare for a young child to report a story 100% accurately. Not even because they're necessarily trying to lie (although that can happen too) but because memory and auditory processing are still things they're learning. I've had students tell me on many occasions "but you said...!" when it's NOT what I said.