S/O Babies w/ Downs Syndrome

amother

Pearl

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:28 pm

amother Moonstone wrote:

That may be the clinical term, however the term used in the community is "give away". That is how I've heard it referred to

I’m not in the community. And if I speak to biological parents it’s not the term I’d use.

Amelia Bedelia

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:28 pm

amother Hyacinth wrote:

1. It IS an implication for chassidim because no other frum community does it other than chassidim.
2. I SPECIFICALLY said SOME communities because I know that not all chassidish communities do it. Only certain ones do.

I'm just saying it how it is. I'm not sure if you want me to lie here. I specifically did not name which chassidish sects, although I generally know which ones.

I don't think it's specific sects. I think it's SOME families within SOME sects.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:31 pm

amother Outerspace wrote:

Do the parents choose who takes the child? How does it work once they're born?

From what families have told me, the agency will locate a family. The biological parents will meet them and can say yea or nay. Also, if a foster family doesn’t work out the parents can have them placed at another family. I’ve definitely seen kids go through several foster families. In at least one case, I’ve voiced my concern about a foster family to the biological family and the agency.

amother

Skyblue

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:35 pm

I will never forget 25 years ago, I was a young newlywed and I was interning in Beth Israel hospital. There was a frum family and the baby needed surgery and a brain shunt. It was not a first or second or third child. The parents came every day and sat with the baby, all day. That was until the nuns took over and the baby went to a Catholic orphanage.

What do people tell their children, family and friends? Do they say that they gave the baby away? Do they pretend the baby passed? Do they pretend they were never pregnant at all?

amother

Pearl

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:41 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

Why did the nuns take over?

(I interned in ped neurosurgery about that time at Beth Israel North!)

amother

Hyacinth

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:42 pm

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

I don't think it's specific sects. I think it's SOME families within SOME sects.

Let's put it this way. Yes there may be an outlier in those communities and I'm sure there are a few. However there is a lot of pressure to give the child away.

amother

Moonstone

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:47 pm

amother Outerspace wrote:

Why can't they keep their baby until it gets too difficult? (If it does)

Excellent question! Stigma? Fear of unknown? Family pressure?

amother

Grape

Wed, Oct 04 2023, 11:48 pm

I know someone who gave away their child with DS. I believe the parents only see the child on their birthday for a very brief time. There’s a large stigma. The person who told me the news said outright it was a tragedy.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 12:22 am

I aborted instead of adopting. I just couldn't do the alternative, way too painful. That's if the baby had even lived until term. I'll never know that obviously.
Mine didn't just have downs, had lots of other issues unfortunately.
No one should ever be in this position, ever. Heartbreaking

Eta: I'm not chassidish. And they encouraged me at the hospital to abort, they told me loads of orthodox Jewish people have done it.
I got a heter.

amother

Bergamot

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 12:22 am

I work with kids that have special needs, I see that now a days most parents who give the child to another family to raise is for the reason that they don't have schools/ therapists/ help for the child in that area. They want the best for there child. Not everyone is able to move to different cities.
As a side point, for those kids it's the norm to have 2 sets of families, it's okay for them.

Btw kids with down syndrome are the same as you! There makeup is just with a different amount of chromosomes, so what? We look at them as different just because they are a smaller population then us...

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:10 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Let's put it this way. Yes there may be an outlier in those communities and I'm sure there are a few. However there is a lot of pressure to give the child away.

Who is the pressure from? Did one of the Rebbes advise giving away babies with DS as a practice?

amother

Grape

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:25 am

amother Periwinkle wrote:

Who is the pressure from? Did one of the Rebbes advise giving away babies with DS as a practice?

I’ve heard of a Rebbe telling his chassidim to give away their child with DS. Forgot which and it doesn’t matter to me. It’s cruel and heartbreaking for everyone involved.

amother

Lemon

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:38 am

They give them away, usually, its because it would be too hard for them to care of the child. A special needs child takes over the parents/family life. They have more children at home and they feel like it would be too hard for them to take take care of everyone. In certain communities theyre actually encouraged to give them away.
I really dont think anyone can judge a parent when they make such a decision.

amother

Steel

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:48 am

Amelia Bedelia wrote:

I don't think it's specific sects. I think it's SOME families within SOME sects.

I don't think anyone was trying to say they all do. I think the point was that it primarily only happens in those communities, whatever they are.

amother

Skyblue

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:06 am

amother Pearl wrote:

Why did the nuns take over?

(I interned in ped neurosurgery about that time at Beth Israel North!)

They gave the baby up to a Catholic orphanage. The family stopped coming. A few weeks later the nuns took the baby to the convent in Westchester .

amother

DarkYellow

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:08 am

amother Lemon wrote:

I don't it's the reason because in these communities they will keep special needs children with severe disabilities but they will only give away children with DS even though they may be high functioning

amother

Outerspace

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:19 am

amother Skyblue wrote:

They gave the baby up to a Catholic orphanage. The family stopped coming. A few weeks later the nuns took the baby to the convent in Westchester .

What changed and why not to a jewish family?

amother

Lightcyan

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:29 am

I grew up with a brother with special needs and this thread is extremely judgmental. No one can ever judge the decisions of parents with a special needs child. The child takes over the entire family dynamic and can ruin a family. My family also decides to take in the special needs child of another family for Shabbos and yamim tovim and I get comments all the time about how the family of this child is so crazy and doesn’t care about this child, but from seeing the inside story, this is the most amazing thing this family can do for their other children so they don’t get hit from him and no attention. And they are deciding to put him in a home soon and I think that’s an amazing decision also. My brother lives at home because my mother thinks in a home he wouldn’t survive but not all of us think it’s the best decision as we had a lot missing from our childhood because of it. Please don’t judge mothers who give away their special needs child. It’s not always so selfish.