S/O Babies w/ Downs Syndrome

amother

Oleander

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:33 am

amother Outerspace wrote:

Why can't they keep their baby until it gets too difficult? (If it does)

The first weeks or months of life are often exceedingly difficult, stabilising breathing and learning to eat. (Because of low muscle tone, these babies often find it hard to nurse, and will only take a very small quantity, thus needing very frequent meals. Even bottle feeding can be difficult.)

amother

Impatiens

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:36 am

amother DarkYellow wrote:

I know many families who've given away DS children
Some of them incredibly capable people within the community

With the bolded, maybe how they look to others/their community status is a higher priority.

I currently look like someone dragged me through a rose bush backwards and have no community standing. We are one of those nebech families that you don’t invite to your Sukkah. But my SN child is at home with me. And yes, I have days when I think they may be better off in FC but the reality is they wouldn’t be and I could never do that.

qwerty4

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:36 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Let's put it this way. Yes there may be an outlier in those communities and I'm sure there are a few. However there is a lot of pressure to give the child away.

In the general chassidish world, this pressure (outside of individual family pressure based on specific family members) does not exist anymore. The overwhelming majority of kids with special needs are with their families. This pressure certainly existed years ago, and a lot of adult kids with DS didn't grow up with their families, and kudos to Sarah Sanders and other individuals who changed the trend.
I believe Skver has a specific shitta advising the adoption of a baby born with Down's.

ChossidMom

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:46 am

Hashem blessed us with a daughter with Down Syndrome 19 years ago. She has been our biggest blessing and a real source of joy and nachas.
That being said, Hashem chose us with good reason. We are very fierce advocates for our daughter. We are emotionally healthy and are willing to go the extra mile to do what is best and not necessarilly what is easy for her. We have had to deal with the system and advocate for her alot.
I suspect that not everyone feels emotionally and physically healthy enough to take care of their Down Syndrome child. It is very sad. About 50% have heart problems, by the way. My guess is that people with very large families may not feel equipped to deal with it all.
The good news is that the folks that foster these kids (where I live) are amazing people. My daughter has a girl in her class who is a foster child and this family has TWO DS kids. They are chassidish! I am blown away by these families.
As an aside, my daughter is in 12th grade, in a small class of 7 girls. I think that 5 of them are chassidish and only one is in a foster family.

amother

Oldlace

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 7:14 am

amother Lemon wrote:

They give them away, usually, its because it would be too hard for them to care of the child. A special needs child takes over the parents/family life. They have more children at home and they feel like it would be too hard for them to take take care of everyone. In certain communities theyre actually encouraged to give them away.
I really dont think anyone can judge a parent when they make such a decision.

I might be more inclined to believe this if there were also children given away (no, I'm not going to say it a "nicer" way) who were hard to care for and had other issues.

I have never known a Jewish family to sign over their child with cancer to the hospital because "it's hard"

Or one who is in a car accident and needs intense rehab and / or becomes paralyzed

Seems to be that only kids who may or may not have intellectual disabilities, and may or may not have medical issues that come with them are the ones who are given away (or placed in residential schools)

So no, I don't believe it's just because "it' hard" to raise a disabled child. And before you all start throwing tomatoes, I'm raising a child with Down syndrome and intense medical needs, plus several other kids, and yes, it's hard, but there is no way I'd give him away (or any of my others though honestly sometimes with the teens I'm temped.... ) Can't Believe It

amother

Oldlace

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 7:17 am

amother Oleander wrote:

Interesting that more preemies aren't left in the hospital. They are very. hard to care for in the beginning. Much more difficult than my child with DS was as an infant....

amother

Lightcoral

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 7:53 am

Specific sects do give away their ds children. However, what you failed to mention is that it's those same Specific sects that are fostering these ds children. So, don't judge the sects. Each family is individually responsible to make the right decision for the good of their family.

No one gives away their children without thought. We should not be judging anyone. It's a very hard decision for each family and they must do whatever works for their family.

I'm speaking from the perspective of someone who chose not to give away their child.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:26 am

amother Pearl wrote:

I work as a social worker in a major NYC childrens hospital. In answer to the question to people still really do this? YES we see this all the time. Very very common.

What do they tell people when they've given birth? Do they say that they had a stillborn?

amother

Mintcream

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:36 am

It’s very sad when the mother who grew her baby for 9 months is forced to give away her baby because she’s pressured by family members or the Rebbe.

I’ve seen it. The trauma can be so severe for the poor mother and baby.

I’m not judging a mother who feels like she can’t handle such a child. I only judge when the mother wants to keep the baby more than anything in the world but is pressured to give it away. That’s when it becomes too painful.

And don’t say it doesn’t happen. I’ve seen it myself.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:39 am

amother Lemon wrote:

I said this in a different thread and had tomatoes thrown - I have a gorgeous, smart, happy child who has a host of medical issues that take more time and attention to deal with than the amount of time and care a relatively health child with DS requires. Should I give DC up for adoption because my other kids are suffering, having less of my time, attention, and energy?

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:40 am

amother Oleander wrote:

I know many many typical babies that had significant feeding issues.

amother

Wandflower

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:45 am

I think it's really unfair to say it's sad that they give away. It's sad that have to make such decisions, as someone who has worked with special needs many years and is open to adopting one, I still feel that we can never judge someone else and I should never need to make such decisions.
I think some responses on this thread are extremely hurtful to people that did give up their child.
For some people it better to keep them and for some it is better to give away.

amother

Hyacinth

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:57 am

amother Lemon wrote:

I'm sorry but this simply isn't true. I know more than one mother who gave away her DS child that was her firstborn. So there were no other children to take care of. And they only gave away their child because of community pressure. They were happy and willing to keep the baby. 2 cases I know the mother wanted to keep the baby but their husband wanted to give it away because that's what the Rebbe said. It was heartbreaking for the mother and I'm sure they never properly emotionally recover.

There should be no community pressure. No Rebbe should be telling a mother to give away her child. It's emotionally scarring for the parent and a huge chillel Hashem. A parent should be able to make the decision that works for them without any outside influences.

So yes that's where I judge. Not the individual making a hard decision but the pressure forcing them to make a decision that's against human nature and devastating for the family. It's ridiculous and sick that in 2023 this still exists. This is not the 1950s.

Eta: there are many babies born with other significant medical issues that arent given away that take a lot of time to care for. It's specifically DS that still has this ridiculous "rule".

amother

Clover

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 9:51 am

amother Hyacinth wrote:

Unfortunately in certain communities, yes. It's the saddest thing. And the reasons behind it are just as mysterious as the reasons for women not driving (I.e. they don't actually make any sense).

I didn’t read through the entire thread so maybe someone already said what I’m about to say.
There is just ONE specific community where the the families are not allowed to keep their babies with Down’s syndrome. Where does driving come in? It’s very very sad. But the way you just compared it to women not allowed to drive made it seem like all chassidim have to give their babies with Down’s syndrome away.
Also, there are some people who CHOOSE to give them away. We should never be in that position, but some people don’t have the capabilities to deal with and care for a special needs child. I know someone personally and we can’t judge.

amother

Hyacinth

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 12:18 pm

amother Clover wrote:

So maybe you should read the thread.
It's more than one community.
Driving comes in because this only takes place in chassidish communities. And because the reasons used to justify it are just as ridiculous as the no driving reason.
And it's been said already that it's only specific chassidish communities, not all. So that is not talking about all chassidim.