S/O screaming in the building. Do you never scream?

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 12:32 am

I’m wondering if such a thing exists that a wife and mother should never lose it? Why is it so mortifying when others hear? Don’t we all do the same behind closed doors? Hopefully not often but we all have our moments. Or am I wrong?

amother

Mustard

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 12:35 am

I think it’s mortifying when people here.
Sometimes I’ll loose with with one of my kids. She can be wild and get very out of hand.
Why is fair to her that the neighbors know she was misbehaving…?

amother

Magenta

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:08 am

I was in the parking lot of an amusement park yesterday and a mom lost it on her 2 boys. She was screaming and smacking both of them... I felt so bad for them. She was probably so stressed and hot like all of us 😩 but it made me realize how stupid we look when we lose it. When I feel like I'm about to lose it I tell my kids Mommy needs a time out. I go to my room and just take deep breaths until I collect myself enough to come out of my room calmly.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:13 am

amother Mustard wrote:

It's more a reflection on the parent that they lost it

amother

Ecru

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:34 am

I'm a screamer bas screamer [not proud]
and I just want to say this

Adults can learn how to speak appropriately in all situations
if they didnt learn yet - they should start now

there really is no excuse for not eradicating or at least minimizing screaming

screaming is an inacceptable form of communication unless there is immediate danger

amother

Peach

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:39 am

I'll bite. I don't scream ever. It's just not my personality. However thats not to say I don't get upset! My tone of voice can change dramatically even if the decibel only slightly does. My husband knows good and well when I'm upset more from my body language, facial expressions, and from what I say. When I'm upset at a child (I try not to be!), I become more short and impatient I think.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:55 am

amother Amaranthus wrote:

I’ve never ever screamed at my husband or called him names and I’m married 2 decades.

is he a tzaddik? Does he treat you the same well

amother

Amaranthus

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 2:34 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

is he a tzaddik? Does he treat you the same well

He’s not a tzaddik but yes he treats me the same way. We love each other and we both understand that we are each doing our best.

amother

Orange

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 4:24 am

amother Chocolate wrote:

is he a tzaddik? Does he treat you the same well

Married over two decades and never screamed at dh and he’s definitely NOT a tzaddik and does NOT treat me well. I’ve said some hurtful things to him (which I’m not proud of) but never in a raised tone of voice

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 4:45 am

amother Ecru wrote:

Fellow screamer bas screamers here and so is my dh…I guess a lot of screaming going around. We’re all very hot tempered. I would like to change that tho. Any tips?

amother

Outerspace

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 7:32 am

amother OP wrote:

If you'd be embarrassed to do it at work in a frustrating situation, or as a teacher towards her students, and such, then why isnt it embarrassing to lose it towards your kids and scream at them when others hear? I'd say the vast majority of people actually can control it, when they feel the urgency to (I.e. job at stake)....

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:01 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

Fellow screamer bas screamers here and so is my dh…I guess a lot of screaming going around. We’re all very hot tempered. I would like to change that tho. Any tips?

I’m a bas screamer and was able to train myself to never yell at dh, though I still lose it on my kids at home once in a while. Way way less than I used to.

There wasn’t a magical instant method, but what helped me was:

1- Knowing that outside an emergency, there is no good reason to yell. At anyone. There just isn’t a reason to do this ever. Eliminate this method of speaking completely.

2- When I feel like I’m going to explode, or as soon as I realize that’s I’m yelling, I take a break. I go to the bathroom. Just take a time out for yourself to calm down. Since I accepted that there really isn’t ever a good time to do it, I can’t rationalize it and it’s very clear to me that the problem is mine.

3- Think of how others look when they yell, and keep it in mind to know how you look. Is that who you want to be?

watergirl

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:05 am

I once shared a wall with a screamer. Then, she once decided she had to let me know that she hears my husbands when he gets my kids ready for school in the mornings, she said he is too loud... not realizing that if she can hear us, we can hear her. I let it go and just said thanks for letting me know. It was pretty horrible.

amother

Zinnia

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:12 am

amother Magenta wrote:

When I need a time out I can’t even get it because my kid who acts out might scribble on the walls or seriously beat up a sibling or poke holes in the couch

amother

White

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:16 am

I never ever scream at my kids or husband, BECAUSE I was raised by a mother who screamed a lot and I remember the feeling of my insides twisting and I vowed not to have a home like that.
Sometimes my voice gets raised a bit if I am aggravated but it is still nothing like screaming.
If I am upset at my husband or children, I talk to them. Not always angelically, and sometimes I may squint my eyes and have a steely edge in my tone, but it is still calm, measured tones.
Even with my teenager lol, Hashem should help me...

Anonymiss 1

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:21 am

I despise screaming. I don’t scream. Tones can still very obviously communicate displeasure or anger. Over the years my husband, who comes from screamers, has also learned not to scream.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:27 am

I’m a bas shrieker so I never scream. I went the total other extreme.

When I get really mad I whisper. It works way better than screaming. I look straight into their eyes and whisper. It’s pure magic!

amother

DarkKhaki

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:41 am

I don't scream but my neighbour does. I can hear her yell at her kids and husband, I can hear her from the front of my apartment till the back. In the back of our apartment are offices surrounding us, I'm sure they hear it too. Hope they don't think it's me.

When I pop my head out of my front window at night it echos into the street.

Now we know her problems cause she also yells into her phone when talking.

If you yell. Please try to stop.

amother

Catmint

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 8:44 am

amother Ecru wrote:

Well said!!
From, another daughter of a screamer who screams waaay less than her mother, but still loses it on the rare occasion and is trying to stop that much as well