17 year old just wants to learn in sukka wwyd

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:01 am

Let him sit in the sukka all chol hamoed and learn or force him to come with us - I offered apple picking, park, ice cream (he wont go anywhere like amusement parks)

Please only answer if you have a son like this that loves to learn.

amother

Calendula

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:02 am

Let him stay behind and learn. The boys in my family often did that. Maybe you can convince him to join a small thing once.

amother

Begonia

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:03 am

Beautiful! I don't see the issue. 17 is big, and learning is a wonderful thing to do on chol hamoed. My 12 year old doesn't want to come because he wants to sleep and run amok around the neighborhood.
Presumably he already was yotzei a "family trip" the other days?

amother

Crystal

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:04 am

Of course let him. I know younger boys who do the same. They enjoy this more. They’re not interested in Apple picking with their little siblings anymore.

boysrus

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:04 am

One of my teenagers is like that. We ask him to come on just one trip each chag for 'family bonding time', he can learn the other days. Have a lot of nachas from your son who loves to learn!

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:04 am

I feel like a bad mom because he is all day learning in the sukka while my other kids are having a blast. I'm all day trying to convince him let's go to a quiet park to learn, let's just go apple picking so we can bake for yom tov and he's begging me to leave him alone. I just don't know what the right thing is anymore.

amother

Crystal

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:08 am

amother OP wrote:

You’re only a bad mom if you’re forcing him to go along against his wishes. Leave him alone. Don’t decide for him what’s enjoyable for him. Some of my kids do the same by 14-15 and I let them be. By 17 many are not interested in these activities even if they wouldn’t be learning. Your forcing him is just being selfish. Stop begging him all day. It’s not fair to him.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:10 am

Learning in the sukkah is different than learning at a park. He is soaking up and in the special energy of the sukkah B”H
Let him do as he wishes
He is your oldest? Things change iyH only these kind of changes for the good
Much nachas

amother

RosePink

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:10 am

amother OP wrote:

I hear you.

You can explain to how its important for YOU to have him on one trip.

You can go to a park and after he does some walking around with the family, biking etc, (take pics, lol!), he can then learn on a bench/picnic table (or in a sukkah there if there is one).

Change of scenery and getting out a bit is so important for ALL.

Even if he learns there most of the time.

Much nachas always…

amother

Lily

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:11 am

amother OP wrote:

Why do you feel bad? He is clearly enjoying himself or he would join you. This is his "blast" and he would not have a blast at a park or farm.
The right thing is to leave him alone. You're begging him to come because it will make YOU feel good, not because it will make HIM feel good.

Thia is a bachur's time to shteig! IY:H in a few years he will have his own wife and little kids and won't be able to spend chol hamoed learning in the sukka.

amother

Brunette

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:12 am

There’s plenty of family time other times - different things appeal to different ages
Why does he have to join in on the trips?

amother

Crystal

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:13 am

amother RosePink wrote:

Sorry that’s selfish. Don’t shlep him Apple picking if he prefers to learn in the sukkah. Unless if you desperately need his help. Otherwise it’s wrong to force him to do an activity he has absolutely no interest in.

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:16 am

amother Lily wrote:

That's smart- I didn't think of it this way. Thank you!

amother

Lotus

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:16 am

Maybe You feel bad bec you don’t value his learning as much as he does.
Allow him to learn.
Torah is sustaining the world.
If he needs or wants a break, he will take one.

amother

Amaryllis

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:16 am

boysrus wrote:

One of my teenagers is like that. We ask him to come on just one trip each chag for 'family bonding time', he can learn the other days. Have a lot of nachas from your son who loves to learn!

I do the same.

I honestly think it’s not the healthiest for him to sit and learn in the sukkah for five days straight and barely interact with his family (I worry about a) him being rigid, b) his self worth being so tied up with being able to learn all day, c) what his expectations as a husband and father will be…). I pick my battles though and that’s why I only ask that he join us for one day (of his choosing). BH it works for all of us.

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:16 am

amother Brunette wrote:

He is not my oldest- but what you are saying is true thank you!

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:17 am

amother Crystal wrote:

It's not that I "need " him to come with us. It's more that I don't want him to feel left out, but I guess from the replies I can leave him alone.

amother

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:18 am

amother Amaryllis wrote:

This is exactly exactly my concerns. - rigid and only focused on learning. I'm so happy for him that he found a passion but on the other hand I don't want his sense of self to be tied just to "the kid that learns in the sukka".

amother

Crystal

Thu, Oct 05 2023, 10:20 am

amother OP wrote:

It's not that I "need " him to come with us. It's more that I don't want him to feel left out, but I guess from the replies I can leave him alone.

You said he’s begging you to leave him alone. Do you think if he’d feel left out he’d do that? Or that he has no interest in joining?