Anyone intentionally stop at 2 kids and happy with decision?

amother

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 8:17 am

Husband and I are both BTs and we're both from 2-kid households. We lean MO. We have two healthy and amazing kids, 1 and 3.

Husband isn't what I'd call a "kid person." Most of the child rearing is on me, and I don't know if I want to deal with having another baby and be tied down for a year with nursing and dealing with all the naps.

If we want more kids, we'd want to have them relatively soon -- so all the kids are close enough together in age, and to get past the baby stage sooner than later. Wouldn't want to be one of those couples with two kids close in age and a huge gap before the 3rd kid, and have to start all over with baby stuff when you thought you were done.

There's obviously a lot of pressure in frum society to have more kids. I'd think the lifestyle, for my husband and I, of having 2 kids vs. having 3-4 kids is totally different -- more work, more chaos, more stress, more fighting, less free time, less hobbies, etc. On the other hand, having more kids would be nicer when we're old and they're grown up. I'm not sure whether it's worth the sacrifice.

I always hear people who say they regret not having more kids. Anyone stop at 2 and happy with their decision? Anyone regret having more than 2?

amother

Nasturtium

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 8:47 am

You have to really think what you’re living for. It helps you figure out how much chaos you can handle.
Personally, I had 4 in 8 years and dh and I made a decision when we got married that we’re heading into 10 years of chaos iyH. It’s been a few years since our last and things have calmed down a LOT, we’ve been traveling etc. and now we’re thinking if we should continue or not.
And this has nothing to do with the pressures of frum society! This has to do with how much we value peace and calmness and free time now, vs. the long term gains and benefits in the future. We are both high achievers and have each sacrificed for our goals. (Very hard career, etc)

NechaMom

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 8:50 am

You don’t have to make a definitive decision when your baby is 1. What if you decide in 3 years that you’re ready for one or two more? That’s not such a huge gap. Take one year and one baby at a time. For now enjoy your two babies.

Iymnok

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 8:52 am

If you don’t feel up to it now, my advice is a big break. DD is 6mo after a 5 1/2 year break. I am enjoying her so much more and my kids are all big enough to be of help. DD6 can entertain her while I go to the bathroom or get something done.
Don’t buy into this idea that they have to be close in age.

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 8:55 am

Just anecdotally, I don't know anyone in our MO community who has chosen to stop at two kids. Three, yes, but not two. The only families I know who are done with one or two kids all had a medical or fertility issue preventing additional children. I am not saying that to tell you what to do, just sharing as a data point.

Personally, I don't agree that having 3-4 kids is categorically more stressful. For my husband and I, the biggest transition was from zero to one. Everything after that was incremental. But I do think that there is a big difference between life with an under-3 year old and life with everyone in the house being age 3 or older. And the period of having an under-3 is going to be longer, the more kids you have.

amother

Lightyellow

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:07 am

Iymnok wrote:

I agree. I know having 2 then a big gap doesn't sound appealing to you now, but just keep it in mind as a 3rd option instead of completely discarding it. There are definitely advantages to this kind of family (all large gaps OR 2 with small gap then large gap then 2 more with small gap) and many many people are very happy with it.

amother

Lily

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:20 am

We felt like 2 was enough when we were in the thick of it like you are with 2 tiny kids. Especially because our second was a hard baby. We re-evaluated a couple years later and I badly wanted more. and it wasn’t as easy to get/stay pregnant. So our second and third kids have a 4.5 year gap. Was the most enjoyable baby stage of all my kids to have my older kids out of the house a few hours a day at least. Had my next 2 years after so they each have a buddy. Very very grateful for my 4. It’s enough for me.

amother

Stone

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:22 am

yes I think your mistake is pressuring yourself to decide now. you obviously aren't ready now but are trying to convince yourself its now or never. you have a baby. having a baby in a few years if thats what you decide at the time isn't a massive gap. I currently have 2 kids none are babies and still may decide to have more one day or may not. I take it day by day.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:34 am

It sounds like you are overwhelmed right now so it might not be the best time to be making a long term decision. While I recognize more kids adds more responsibilities I dont translate that into more stress and chaos. Yes they need naps and meals, clean clothes etc they make messes, and don't want to do homework. But I can provide that! And they're awesome! What is going on that you see having kids as chaos and stress?

amother

Mocha

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:35 am

My parents are MO. I am one of two. My mother really wanted one of each gender. It worked out for her right away. She was done after having me. I have plenty of friends who also are from a household of 2. Especially when your going to send to expensive MO yeshivahs. Very typical.

mompower

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:40 am

Having 2 tinies was my hardest stage of motherhood. I couldn’t understand how I’ll ever have another.

I have a few more now bh and it’s not comparable.

Give yourself time to think and breathe. No need to make this major decision when you’re in the thick of it. You’re putting unnecessary pressure on your already overworked self.

It’ll come to you when the time is right. Take it day by day now

amother

Candycane

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:48 am

I found the hardest part of parenting was when I had my oldest as a toddler, plus the next as a baby. You're on your own with these 2 little people who need so much care and attention and it's really physically draining.
Once my oldest was already 6, it was easier. I had children who could dress themselves, go to the toilet themselves and generally be a little helpful.
I really don't think you need to rush into your decision. 1yo is still a baby. Even if you thought about another, having a 3-4 age gap is still close enough together. I have a couple of friends who have 2 close together, a large gap and then another 2, so there's like 2 sets where each have a sibling to play with.
I also found I needed less baby stuff as we went along. Yes, I couldn't manage without a highchair or a stroller, but a lot of the other stuff isn't necessary.
And I found the adjustment from 0-2 kids was the hardest. Once you have 2, then having a couple more just slots into place.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:50 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

And you know this about families with 2 kids, that it was definitely fertility related?
Please never assume.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:51 am

amother DarkGray wrote:

Personally, I don't agree that having 3-4 kids is categorically more stressful. For my husband and I, the biggest transition was from zero to one. Everything after that was incremental. But I do think that there is a big difference between life with an under-3 year old and life with everyone in the house being age 3 or older. And the period of having an under-3 is going to be longer, the more kids you have.

wow you said this so well!!!!! Exactly!

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 9:54 am

amother Mustard wrote:

And you know this about families with 2 kids, that it was definitely fertility related?
Please never assume.

Who said anything about assuming? The only person assuming here is you. They've discussed it openly. I said fertility or medical. There are medical conditions that can make it dangerous for fertile people to have children.

amother

Burntblack

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 10:45 am

I think it’s much healthier to space your kids than to try to have them all close together and be over and done with it.
Taking care of little kids is hard. It’s normal to want to space them out rather than feel stuck with babies one after the other.
No one is saying to wait 10 years… but your youngest is a year. That’s too soon.
Wait until you look at your newborn pictures and feel that longing for another precious child.

I don’t have a large family. 4 kids and that will be it (not by choice). I always feel like someone is missing.
I did feel very fulfilled when I had 2 kids- one of each gender but I still felt like I wasn’t done.

Give it some time and see how you feel next year. Or the year after.
You don’t want to always feel like someone is missing…

amother

DarkGray

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 10:49 am

amother Burntblack wrote:

I think it’s much healthier to space your kids than to try to have them all close together and be over and done with it.

So I think this is a little bit like dog people and cat people. Neither dogs nor cats are objectively better or worse,* but some people need to have dogs and other people need to have cats. Some parents do better when they space closely and get it over with (within reason), and other parents do better with a lot of spacing.

Of course, not everyone is lucky enough to have a choice in the matter.

*Oh, who am I kidding, of course dogs are objectively superior Wink

tichellady

Mon, Oct 23 2023, 10:54 am

I have thought about this too because pregnancy is very difficult for me but I don’t feel complete with two. But it’s really up to you. And yes I know people who chose to stop at 2 for a variety of reasons