Supporting a child with an eating disorder - parent support?

amother

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 4:08 am

I’m not sure if a thread like this already exists…

I’m looking for support and guidance in helping my child with an eating disorder.
She is currently in hospital because she virtually stopped eating.
BH in hospital she is eating, but iyh she’ll be coming home soon, how do we keep it up?
(We have drs, psychologist and dietician who we are seeing)

I’m still waiting to get an appointment with a therapist for myself, I have so many emotions to process with all of this.

There must be others who have been through this.
I could use some chizzuk 🥴

amother

Darkblue

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 4:50 am

I don't have much advice, I can tell you something that helped my sister who was in a similar situation (my mother was somewhat in denial so I was pretty involved). My brother and I took her to see one of the Gedolei Hador. He spoke to her and after that she started to eat again. Unfortunately he is no longer alive. And we don't know what he told her. But some of our Gedolim have great kochos, intuition, and understanding.

amother

Catmint

Thu, Oct 26 2023, 8:21 am

I will say something you probably know already.
Unfortunately I learned this the hard way dealing with my daughter.
Never criticize her for not eating no matter what the food item is.
Don’t beg her to ‘just try it… just take one bite’.

My daughter is eating but very limited. She stopped eating most foods. No chicken, fish, eggs, meat and the list goes on and on..
She does say she’s hungry sometimes which is a good thing but even when she’s starving she will only eat a few certain foods.
I know her situation is not chronic because she is eating even though very poorly.
I’ve learned through speaking to others that I have to be very laid back about the whole thing and not discuss food.

There really should be more support for parents.

Refuah shelaima to your daughter. Much hatzlocha!

amother

Copper

Mon, Oct 30 2023, 9:05 pm

the hospital should talk with you about the plan and what success looks like at home and what you should be doing/expecting. also, there should be some sort of step down program like intensive outpatient therapy, I would think.

My DD had anorexia and she was in an IOP and never hospitalized (though almost). We met kids there who were coming out of the hospital. My impression at the time was that hospital was to get kids out of the electrolyte imbalance and dehydration state but the road to recovery was the one laid out by IOP. But I think different places and cities have different resources.

Hatzlacha.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Oct 30 2023, 9:13 pm

I had an eating disorder and even I can’t answer your question. It’s so individual. She needs to want to get better. She’s not really going to ever get better until she wants to. Just be there for her. Be supportive. Work on your relationship with her. Work on the whole families relationships with her. But really it’s so individualized. What I needed isn’t necessarily what she needs.

My guess is she’s gonna be super not happy coming out of the hospital and she will not at all be over it. She’ll be in a better state physically but what I’ve heard about hospitalizations is that they’re hell for those with eating disorders Sad

(I was residential and outpatient. Some of the girls at my residential program came shortly or right after leaving hospitals).

amother

Sage

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 12:00 am

Call devorah Levinson from relief, she is very good at guiding you to the right programs and treatments, you can also speak to Rabbi Steinberg, originally from Denver, he now lives in Jackson NJ. He has a support group for parents and another support group for the girls who are suffering. I have a daughter with an eating disorder and they have both been very helpful to me

amother

Midnight

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 12:17 am

I’m sorry but I’ve never heard of a Gadol being able to just stop an eating disorder.
Unfortunately eating dis are real illnesses that require loads of professional help sometimes lasting years.
From experience, if possible let her be in the hospital as long as she can because the likelihood of relapse is extremely high.
Also, do not be laid back! Get guidance from her team as to what you should and shouldn’t get involved in.
Even girls who want to get better will be very “protective” over their disorders. This is their illness. That’s why it’s an illness and there are hospitals etc.

Also, to the mother who wrote “I know it’s not chronic because she does eat sometimes “, just know that what you said isn’t true.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 12:48 am

Firstly OP I want to give you a big virtual hug. This is a long and difficult road ahead but you got this. As another parent with a teen with an eating disorder I want you to know you are not alone.
If you have not already, call Devorah Levinson at relief resources. She is a specialist in this area. She knows all the programs and many many therapists and is a great resource to help guide you. You can just Google relief resources to get their phone number, or you can schedule an appointment with her on their website.
Another fantastic resource is Rabbi Steinberg. As another poster said above he runs a virtual support group for parents of kids with eating disorders. He himself is very knowledgeable and is a good source of advice and information. In addition, the other parents in the group have a lot of combined knowledge and advice to share. It's so helpful to me to be able to connect with other parents dealing with the same issues and hear what worked/didn't work for them, get names if resources, hear about different programs their children have been in, etc. There is also a wattsapp group with a bunch of parents from his support group (not run by Rabbi Steinberg) that is a great source to get questions answered. This is the contact information if you want to be in touch with Rabbi Steinberg. https://www.garycarecenter.com/contact

amother

Clematis

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 4:20 am

Meaningful minuet recently had an amazing story on their podcast with a girl now married and expecting ,with her parents to give their side as well, they seemed unbelievable and the type to reach out to, I think that was their purpose to help others in same situation

amother

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 5:43 am

Thank you for all your responses.
We aren’t in the US, so our system is probably different. But from the little I got from the comments it’s similar enough.
The hospital is just for getting her well enough to be at home.
She did leave hospital, but things haven’t been great since. We are signed up for an out patient clinic, but it’s so slow.
What do we do till the next appointment?

She says she wants our support, but whatever we do is the wrong thing.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 6:25 am

amother Catmint wrote:

Anyone with an eating disorder eats at least a bit, not zero food. (Also, even if eating, they could be purging food afterward.)
Though from what you’re describing, sounds like possibly ARFID, rather than Anorexia or Bulimia.
Is she not eating because she wants to lose a lot of weight, or are lots of foods suddenly making her feel like she can’t physically swallow them, or making her nauseous, etc?

amother

Cerise

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 6:32 am

amother OP wrote:

Yeah hospitals are ick. I absolutely hated the first residential program I was in so I ate a ton there so I could gain enough weight to get out and then once I was home I went right back to where I had started….
The second place I was at really was so much better for me.
I’m married now with 3 kids.
I hope she finds the right program for her and gets help with whatever other aspects of her life she may need help with and ends up in as “happy” of a place as I am now.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 6:36 am

amother Cerise wrote:

Would you share which place you were in that was much better??
My daughter has gone through a number of different programs, and still dealing with it.
It would be helpful for me if you could share.
Thank you

amother

Copper

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 7:58 am

Get a book on the Maudsley method and also look into the concept of Magic Plate. Also there is a forum: FEAST Around the Table with good peer support. Not Jewish but doesn’t really matter.
Things didn’t start changing in the right direction for DD until she was on meds but even then I remember her literally kicking and screaming on our way to her IOP. It’s not easy for any of the family. I have trauma from going through this with my DD and so does my DH and the other kids in the family.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 8:54 am

amother Firebrick wrote:

McCallum place. This was over 13 years ago it’s very possible it’s changed since then. I was not able to keep kosher there (I was able to be vegetarian though so no meat). I wasn’t able to keep Shabbos properly at all. I spoke to my (orthodox) Rabbi before I went. It wasn’t so controlling there compared to other places. I wasn’t “sneaky” though so that worked for me. For others it wouldn’t. That place was different because they taught us how to deal with food in the real world by giving us more freedom and the ability to make more choices than some other places. For other people this may not have worked so well. For me it was what I needed.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 9:09 am

amother Cerise wrote:

Thank you!

amother

Midnight

Tue, Oct 31 2023, 10:29 am

I can speak to you if you'd like and give you guidance and support.
I had a severe eating disorder and was hospitalized multiple times.
I am married with a big family now.
I was told I'd never had kids.
I had a few kids right away naturally bh.
I do not recommend maudsley approach unless she is under 15.
How old is your daughter?
She definitely needs your support. Family support is key. But that won't come in the way of food.
The food needs to be managed by outside support. Unless she is young. Again it really is different if she is a young girl vs older than 15, and even more so if she is 18+.
I'd love to help if I can.