She hasn't offered to pay. Do I just let it go?

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 4:43 pm

A good friend of mine is making a kiddush, I offered to cut up all the fruit for it. She is very grateful for the help.
I didn't realise that kiwi's were so expensive, as is the other fruit mind you. But it'll all add up to a fair amount including the containers.
We're just getting by month by month (bH, but these extras can be a problem) it's tight.
Do I just swallow the loss, or do I ask her if she can pay for it? Or at least some of it. I've also joined in for a nice balloon arrangement with other friends. That she doesn't know about yet, and has nothing to do with this extra help I've offered. I would've bought her a cake if not for doing so of this.
Wwyd?

Success10

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 4:48 pm

I think it's out of line to ask her to cover the cost, unless she offers. In general, kiddush cakes and salads are a gift. I'm not saying I don't feel for you, but it's a chessed if you can look at it that way.

imaima

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 4:51 pm

I feel it was on you to find out prices before offering.
I would feel resentful if I was put in this situation.
I would hesitate to accept your help in the future.

Rappel

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 4:53 pm

Tell her that you meant to offer XYZ.

You didn't realize the cost would be ABC, and that's hard for you.

You can make her modest platters, or someone will have to chip in to add kiwis and other exotic fruits. What would she prefer you do?

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:21 pm

When I made my simcha I had to buy my own fruit, drop it off at my niece, and I paid her for her work! But I think I'll just have to leave it, and swallow the loss. When you're making a simcha everything costs a lot anyway. I'd personally offer to pay the person who offers to cut fruit for me. But I don't want to make a big deal out of it.

Golde

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:27 pm

amother [b]OP wrote:

When I made my simcha I had to buy my own fruit, drop it off at my niece, and I paid her for her work![/b] But I think I'll just have to leave it, and swallow the loss. When you're making a simcha everything costs a lot anyway. I'd personally offer to pay the person who offers to cut fruit for me. But I don't want to make a big deal out of it.

So paying for ingredients is somewhat normal. Paying for a family member's help though is not! I think this expectation is a bit out of line.

If you don't want to make a big deal, IMO it's better to suck it up if you can when you're already at the point you're at.

amother

Opal

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:34 pm

I think it depends. If you are giving a fruit platter (or two) then it would be expected to be a gift. But if you offered to cut up all the fruit and that is more than 1 or 2 platters worth, then I think you can say something and ask her to cover all or some of it or she may prefer that you limit the amount of fruit you buy/prepare. (I assume the kiddush was not this Shabbos and you haven't yet bought the fruit.) Also, in terms if prices, different stores have vastly different prices, and some may have special shuk sales on certain days of the week.

amother

Milk

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:41 pm

If you offered to give her a fruit platter, then it's really on you. If you would have said, ''Are you serving fruit? If you have a delivery I can cut it up for you''. That's on her.

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 5:56 pm

To be clear, it's not fruit platters. I'm cutting up the fruit into tiny pieces for whoever sets up on shabbos morning, to put into little cups. I offered for the amount of work that it entails, not for her to get out of paying for the fruit at her simcha.

Rappel

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 6:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

So what's the issue? Just ask her "when do you plan on sending over the fruit?"

It sounds like you're the one who's volunteering your money against your will, not her.

imaima

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 6:03 pm

amother OP wrote:

So how did you negotiate it? Did you make it clear that you will cut out the fruit that she should buy for you to cut?

amother

Tanzanite

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 6:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

Was it clear in the initial conversation that you were offering to help out with the prep work and not to buy anything? I think if spending money on this is not something you offered and not something you can afford, you need to talk to her about it. It could be that she's running around taking care of a bunch of things for the simcha and it slipped her mind to talk to you about the cost of the fruit.

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 6:23 pm

Rappel wrote:

So what's the issue? Just ask her "when do you plan on sending over the fruit?"

It sounds like you're the one who's volunteering your money against your will, not her.

Yeah so I guess it's on me because I told her what fruit I plan to cut up. She didn't offer to buy it, or pay me for it. So I'll have to fork out the money myself.

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 6:24 pm

amother Tanzanite wrote:

No, I didn't think to make it clear. I just think common decency would be to offer to pay me back. The actual shopping is a help for her as well.

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 6:25 pm

unnamed wrote:

Is it too late to opt out of the balloon arrangement arrangement?

Yes too late, and that's minimal compared to what the fruit will cost me.
I wouldn't want to not join in with my other friends for a gift for her. I'm the only one helping her out though.

amother

Tanzanite

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 6:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

No, I didn't think to make it clear. I just think common decency would be to offer to pay me back. The actual shopping is a help for her as well.

I don't think it's a matter of common decency, more about norms and expectations. You paid for the fruit at your simcha, even though someone else cut it for you, so you assumed that she would pay for the fruit for you to cut, but she seems not to have shared that assumption. And honestly, if you then told her what fruit you were planning on buying without asking her to pay for it or what her budget was for it, it makes sense that she assumed you were offering to pay for it yourself.

If you're going to feel resentful about it, it may still be worth talking to her about it and asking her to pay. I also don't understand why you have to buy kiwis if they're more expensive than you expected, and not stick to cheaper fruits.

amother

Ivory

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 6:34 pm

Once you already offered, it would be hard to back out. For me, I plan to just sponsor a kiddish at the shul. I will not be sending out that many invitations like I did for my wedding. I over invited because we had more room because a lot couldn’t make it from out of town and the people I invited / came instead didn’t invite me to their weddings or bring presents. Therefore, I will only be inviting very select family friends this time.

amother

Cherry

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 7:06 pm

I think there was a misunderstanding here. If someone offered to send fruit cups for a Simcha, I would be so grateful. It would never occur to me to offer money when it's a gift. At least, that's how I would have seen the offer. How much are we talking here as your cost to buy the fruit for her Simcha? Does your friend have money to do this on her own?

amother

Sat, Oct 28 2023, 7:16 pm

amother Cherry wrote:

I didn't offer fruit cups, I offered to cut up fruit for her.
For the fruit cups.
Yes my friend can pay for it herself, although who really knows. I know that she has savings for this simcha.