How to talk to dd who doesn't speak linearly

amother

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 7:42 pm

I think I'm going to explode. Dd speaks all over the place. She will ask me to to listen about something, or to help her with something, and I'll sit down to listen and she tries to start but starts talking about something else that's apparently the lead in and fifteen minutes later she's freaking out that we haven't solved the problem that she has yet to start talking to me about. But she isn't redirectable- if I say something like, "Ok, that's what we sat down to talk about- let's do that," she's too upset, or she'll say that's what she was doing.

She's also convinced I don't care about her because I never listen to her. Because I will sit down to listen to her tell me about how basketball went, and fifteen minutes in, she has barely mentioned it while talking about everything else. And when I have to get up and do something else, she's upset that I didn't listen.

She's 16. Yes, she has adhd. And is very smart. Her brain works faster than her mouth and she regularly restarts sentences when she's only a few words into them, going back to the beginning and rewording. Sitting and listening for 5 minutes breaks my brain. How to be there for her and have her feel cared for, when she can tell if I zoned out and am not listening but I just can't do it? I cannot follow her. And telling her that in any way makes it worse. It's hard enough for her at school; she needs to feel that she's accepted and understood at home.

amother

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 7:47 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

So just listen and validate her

How? I can't follow what she's actually saying, which really upsets her.

And she wants to talk about how to handle English class and get my input, but she never gets around to asking me until I have to get up to go, then what? Giving her feedback on what is happening doesn't help her get to her point faster.

amother

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 7:49 pm

amother Oldlace wrote:

This is a probably a huge reach, so don’t freak out. My first reaction to this is maybe it’s thaught disorder.

She has severe adhd. It's medicated as well as it's going to be. I get where it's coming from, but don't know how to deal. My dh who has mild adhd gets her completely and can just roll with it, somehow.

amother

Hunter

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 7:49 pm

So make a weekly time or something to go out with her and pay attention for a time limited hour or two
Show her you do care
And want to help her
16 can be a tough age
Tell her the truth
You are not sure how to help her but do want to understand and help her
But don’t blame her for not knowing how to help her (yet)
Tell her it is a process and May take time
Slow it down
Rather than try to speed it up

You can call the teacher and get feedback as well

amother

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:01 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

Yes op
Sounds like you have very different styles
Ask your husband for his help
Since he gets her then you can follow his lead

This is definitely true. She describes how it feels to sit in a boring class. And it sounds like how it feels for me to sit and listen to her, even when she's happy. I wish it didn't feel like that. I try not to, try to relax and just go. But she can tell when I can't follow where she's going with the conversation and gets upset.

We do ok when we go out and do an activity, so I try to do that once or twice a month. But the rest of the time.... Dh has tried to help. But he doesn't know how to tell me what he does that works. He says he just does it.

amother

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:07 pm

amother Wallflower wrote:

Restarting sentences and rewording them -- is this a compulsion? I may be reading this all wrong but I'm hearing anxiety much more than adhd.

The sentence thing- she gets a few words in, but her thoughts have run ahead and she has to reorient herself so she starts again, often rewording and changing it based on where her thoughts went. Apparently this is a thing some really smart, quick thoughted people have- others simply stop for a few seconds and get their thoughts back to where they are up to.

amother

Emerald

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:08 pm

I recently posted about talking in a round Abt way and not getting the point across for my teen son. And everyone suggested language therapy. I know adhd is at play here but maybe they can strategize and teach the skill to get her to talk to the point?

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:24 pm

I have ADHD, and I have two kids with it. Not as severe as your daughter, it sounds like, but I'm putting this out there because maybe it will help.

I specifically save brainless jobs for the time of home that one of my sons tends to want to talk to me (at night, after the younger kids are asleep). So I'll intentionally not wash all the dishes or wipe down the counters or things like that until that time period. So if he wants to talk, I don't feel like I'm being unproductive because I have something to do while he talks that would have to be done anyway.

In your case, I might combine this with saying, when she comes to you, something like "Oh, something happened at the game today? Great, come with me into the kitchen, I'd love to hear about it. It's 9:30 now, and I have to go put in a load of laundry at 9:50 so that I'll have time to switch it over before I go to sleep (or make a phone call, or take a shower because I need an early night tonight, or whatever), so for the next twenty minutes, I'm all yours." And then wash your dishes and try to give her your full mental attention while your hands are busy "being productive." Of course, it's productive let her feel heard, but it's harder to feel that in the moment... Wink

I hope that helps!

amother

Snapdragon

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:29 pm

And okay, I'm going to be honest here, but under amother because I'm embarassed about it, but...

Dh does this to me sometimes. I always have so much to tell him about in the time before we go to sleep. But he needs to shower, needs to get to bed on time (he wakes up earlier than me to go to minyan/work), and I can prattle on for hours if given the chance. He used to just get annoyed with me, and then he'd cut me off and say "I really need to get to sleep" and I'd feel unheard. Until one day he realized that I really have no sense of time. So now he's told me that he really needs to get in the shower at 11 so that he can be asleep by 11:30. So 11 is our cutoff point. And it's not set in stone, if we're in the middle of discussing something important and it's around 11, he'll look at his watch and say "Ah, we should probably finish up soon" and I'll say "Okay" and keep talking...and a few minutes later he'll wait for a somewhat natural end and say "Hm, that's a good point. Let's sleep on it and continue discussing it tomorrow." And I know what he's doing but it feels SO different than the way it used to be.

So I guess what I'm saying is that maybe you should call my dh and he can give you some pointers on how to deal with a really annoying blabbermouth who you also love...

amother

Ecru

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

Listen in next time he helps her.

amother

NeonYellow

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:43 pm

amother Darkblue wrote:

Why can’t you do things while she talks? Say validating words every so often even if you can’t follow.

Apparently her daughter is getting distracted by her own thoughts and doesn't get to the point that she desperately wants to share until time runs out for the mom. So the daughter is frustrated as well. Also, I understand what it feels like a little. DS with adhd and asd will talk on and on about a topic I don't understand and don't care about and even if I say validating words or noises. It just never ends, he goes on until I feel like I'll explode from listening to it.

amother

Caramel

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Maybe start pretending you have to get up and go much earlier in the conversation. It seems the extra time is not helping her get to the point.

amother

Poinsettia

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 8:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

with my 9 year old who's very smart. I ask her to stop and think about what she she wants to say because it's hard for me to follow when she keeps changing her mind. she seems to be ok with me saying that. don't know if it'll work for a teenager though.

amother

Hunter

Wed, Nov 01 2023, 9:18 pm

Maybe you can tell her the truth that you love her and want to help her and since father seems to be better able to at this time you are deferring to him can’t you all sit together both of you with her? Just beam some love and nonjudgmental acceptance and support at her let her feel your love that alone will help her let your husband deal with whatever specific she needs that you can’t seem to follow
Take the judgement out
Don’t blame her
You can acknowledge you have different styles
Just love her
Work on dealing with her from a place of love
Ground and center yourself in that place when with her
Work to connect with her wherever she is at
Ask Hashem for help