I changed my words

amother

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 8:19 am

I don’t 100% agree with it because it’s semantics, but I heard recently you shouldn’t tell your children to have a great day because it’s telling them what to do or something like that. I started changing it a bit. Now I say, I wish you a great day!

I also used to say, thanks for your help. Now I say, thanks for your contribution. They live here and shouldn’t be helping, but contributing.

amother

Carnation

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 8:28 am

I think it's totally fine to call contributions "help." Even at work, where I'm obligated, it's normal for my boss to say "thanks for your help with this project." I thank my husband for his help all the time. He's helping me, even if he SHOULD be doing it, and I like to show appreciation for that. Contribution sounds very cold and distant IMO.

amother

Burlywood

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 8:32 am

amother OP wrote:

Good for you that it works for you

I for one, dont want to be overthinking every word I tell my 9 year old. Have a great day is a way of saying I hope your day is good. It's not a command. I don't mind when someone tells me have a great day. It means that they are wishing me well.

What's wrong with a kid helping. Kid saw I am holding a lot of bags and 'helped' me take them in. I am thanking them for doing this chesed. What's wrong with teaching kids basic chesed, which means helping out someone in need.

Maybe if it's more of a chore in the house I hear that calling it contribution makes more sense then help. I hear what you're saying, but not a strong enough point for me to start walking on eggshells and talk so delicately.

ETA I wish you a great day Very Happy

amother

Wallflower

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 8:39 am

Oh my. What has parenting come to???
This is next level. Just talk to your kids in a normal way & don't overthink every word.
(And then we wonder why kids are disrespectful and parents are afraid of their children....)

NechaMom

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 8:48 am

Librarian wrote:

This is woke creep

Absolutely this. Can't Believe It

Don’t tell them “I love you” because they might feel obligated to love you back. Tell them “I care about you but I’m fine if you don’t give a hoot about me”
Don’t tell them “Be careful” because who are you to ever demand anything? Tell them “if you die I might be sad but that’s okay because who cares about me?”

Bleemee

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 8:51 am

NechaMom wrote:

Absolutely this. Can't Believe It

😜😆

bigsis144

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 8:55 am

amother OP wrote:

Can I turn that around and say that telling them “have a great day” (in the way that you are choosing to interpret it, as a directive, which most other posters disagree with, but let’s go with your way) is empowering?

To tell them, “you have the power to make it a great day, with your attitude and choice of what to do and focus on”?

dena613

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 9:02 am

NechaMom wrote:

Absolutely this. Can't Believe It

,😂

amother

Ruby

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 9:05 am

amother OP wrote:

Wow, you are so PC.

If you told me, "I wish you a great day," I'd wonder what country you are from and what translating is going on in your mind.

And thank you for your contribution sounds like you are raising tzedakah.
Reminds me of when my friend was writing an essay and didn't like the fact that she kept using the word "guest", so as a joke said, "maybe I should change it to 'the recipient of a kindness'!"

amother

Ebony

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 9:08 am

I had a coworker whose standard reply to have a great day or have a great weekend was "Don't tell me what to do!" Obviously, it was a joke. And it was funny, because of the absurdity in thinking that wishing someone has a good day is telling them what to do.

amother

Outerspace

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 9:15 am

The only time I wouldn't tell someone to have a great day is if I know that it is not congruous with the life situation. If I have a child struggling in school I will say "I love you" or "Hatzlocha" instead of "have a great day" because that can feel insensitive to them when it isn't likely they will have a great day.

I think we can think of what we are saying will land well with the person we are saying it to.

I happen to be a super sensitive person.

dena613

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 9:18 am

When I say, "Have a great day," it's a regular form of conversatiom and a Bracha, not a command.
It's like saying "(May you) have a great day!"

Op, why do you think your kids will feel a regular bracha is a command?

It's like "Good shabbos!"
Do you tell people, "I wish for you to have a good shabbos!"

OP, I am so curious where you heard this from.
Could you please share?
I'm hoping it's not from a frum parenting guru.

bigsis144

Thu, Nov 09 2023, 9:24 am

I think that we all can agree that words have power. Onaas devarim is a genuine concept, and people can remember a single sentence that hurt them for decades.

However, in our current culture where people call for censorship and equate words to actual violence, we can fall into the trap of believing that words are all powerful.

It’s terrifying as a parent to feel like you might unintentionally “break” the child you love with the “wrong” words. And so we search for the “right” words, the “perfect” words that will guarantee a good outcome. Because of course we all want the best for our children!

But it’s taken me years of therapy to realize that there is no perfect formula to raise happy, healthy kids. Every kid is different, every situation is different, and you as a mother are going through different moods and levels of stress and ability to function and provide. It was both terrifying and freeing for me to internalize that there isn’t a platonic ideal “Parent” state of being that I need to strive for, where if I do it “right”, then everything will be okay. Authenticity is more sustainable for you, and your kids know what is “oh she got this from a book” vs an expression of your self.

Last edited by bigsis144 on Thu, Nov 09 2023, 9:26 am; edited 1 time in total