I hit my kid | Imamother

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 9:42 pm

And it wasn't the first time
I tried to get space And dc kept kicking the door and I lost it.
I screamed on top of my lungs, I'm hoarse. And I hit.
And hurt DC.

I believe hitting is terrible and Abusive and I'm terrible and Abusive.

I try so hard to be gentle and fail.

I feel rotten right now.

I'm so angry ay myself that I keep losing it.
I am trying so hard.
So many days I make it through the day calmly, but I know that's not good enough. DC has behavioral issues, but it's still not an excuse.
I try to remove myself from the situation, but DC follows and Bangs the door down. Many times it doesn't bother me and I wait until I'm calm even though the door is already broken, but today I didnt. It was at the end of a long day. For both of us.

Any real recommendations for help when DC is screaming And yelling and kicking And follows you doing all of above..
DC has anxiety and processing issues, so not even DC fault.

amother

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 10:00 pm

amother Mint wrote:

I’ve been there. I didn’t hit but I’ve screamed on top of my lungs while holding his arms and shaking him.

Yes I felt like an abuser

I have nothing to say

I learn that I can’t have guilt, but my son will always have these memories. That fear

He is so unbelievably disregulated at times that I have completely lost myself

He’s been tested for pandas, fits all the markers, and hasn’t been treated properly
Multiple times

I’m at my wits end

My poor, poor son. Stuck in a disregulated body with an awful mother Crying

Yes I shook him

Yes he is disregulated and has hf asd symptoms and your last line fits exactly how I feel.

He struggles so much outside and I'm supposed to be his safe space.
The one who is believes in him.
His haven.
Protecting him against the world.

I work so much with him and I constantly better myself as a mother, and then I fail, miserably, like today.

Also, I was dysregulated and I know that contributed.

I am trying so hard to regulate myself and better myself and still failing and just don't know what more I can do.

amother

Mint

Sun, Nov 12 2023, 10:25 pm

amother OP wrote:

I want to give you a hug, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just want my son to be happy and safe

And he’s too big for me to think that he’ll forget

I hate that I’m repeating patterns from my childhood

I work on myself so much, but some days I lose it! I’m pregnant and hormonal and I make the wrong choices

amother

Daylily

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 7:06 am

amother OP wrote:

You didn't respond to my post and I really feel the need to point this out straight.

I also have difficult kids and when I have tried very hard to be a very good mother and be the same space for them that is when I lost it!!! When I decided that it's ok to give them a consequence for their dysregulated behavior then they stopped being so difficult and in turn I was able to regulate better. This isn't true for every child.. But we do live in a generation of lots of awareness and ideally these kinds of kids shouldn't be punished for doing some of the things they do but for the betterment of the home and your relationship please do it.

You haven't said anything about consequences.

One idea would be to tell your child that you are going into your room. When you come out they will get a special treat. If they bang on the door then they will not get it.

Hopefully over time they will learn that it isn't worth it to do it and this will give you a way to calm yourself down peacefully.

There is a lot more to explore in this direction.

Another thing is to explore this with a therapist to figure out things you can do with yourself and your child.

BTDT.

amother

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 8:31 am

amother Daylily wrote:

Thank you for bumping your post.
I missed it last night.
I actually very clearly have boundaries and consequences and usually follow through immediately sometimes I give another chance.
However, if he is disregulated, he cannot calm down on his own 75% of the time. He's not there.
*I* need to calm down and then come out of the room and help him calm down.
I do have a problem with natural consequences, for example if he kicks me and the consequence is usually not a good natural consequence, which I think makes the consequence not so effective.
In general though I do give consequences and explain that it's a direct result of their actions.

amother

Daylily

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 8:37 am

amother OP wrote:

Consequences don't need to be natural. It just needs to be there.

You need to know your child and trust yourself just make sure that it's coming from inside of you and not what some expert tells you you should be doing. Even dysregulated kids have some control. Just like when you are dysregulated you have some control.

Also here are ideas you can do when you can't get away from your kid.

Take a towel and twist and squeeze really hard. You can make sounds when you are doing it.

Put your palms against the wall and push really hard.

Tell your kid that you are going to scream, see if they are ok with it. Preferably go into another room. Don't need to lock it. And just roar and make noises. Let the animal in you out.

You can check out Irene Lyon. She has a website and YouTube channel.

amother

Mint

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 8:47 am

amother Daylily wrote:

I’ll answer this for my disregulated child.
No, he really really doesn’t have control when the switch flips. Some kids do, he absolutely doesn’t. I know this after years of going every route and working with so many different experts. It’s medical. It’s actually things going on in his brain. He can’t control it.
I wrote above how I lost control also once or twice. You see that. What you don’t see are the dozens and dozens and dozens of times that I held him and hugged him. Of the times I locked myself in my room or left the house so some cold air could hit my face. Of the times I called my husband home from shul or work because I knew if I didn’t have another person step in, I would lose it and hit him or worse. Of the discussions I had with him. Of the special one on one dates we have together. Of the times I told him very plainly that I was trying so hard not to yell, and he had to work with me.
Or how about of all the parenting books and methods and therapists that I went to? What about the methods I followed and still follow to a tee! The consequences that I give with zero emotion.
And most importantly, the amount I have poured into tefilos for him
Just letting you know, sometimes a parent has done absolutely everything
It’s almost insulting to suggest that they haven’t tried all these things. I know you didn’t mean it that way, but there are many different types of disregulated kids. Just letting you know

amother

Silver

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 8:53 am

amother Daylily wrote:

I totally understand the feeling of trying to take space and the kid following you and banging and screaming. Also have had that with a child.

If you can try to have better boundaries and strong consequences (not harsh but consistent) that might help not get to a place where they are pushing you over the edge.

I have a dysregulated child too and eventually what helped was having stricter rules and punishment for not following. It just helps have a certain standard in the house that doesn't get crossed and everyone is happier.

That makes my kid worse. consequences makes my DC more dysregulated. I really need to stay calm but don’t have what I need to do that and I feel like OP every other day. We need to always be in a calm state so when they have their outburst it’s not the straw that breaks the camels back. For me I’m already stressed with many things on my head so my DC outbursts break me. If I had constant support, better self -care time, slept /ate better, time doing what I enjoyed….. I would prob be more regulated when DC is out of control. I’m not sure there’s anything to do at the time once we lose our cool, the trick is too make sure your regulated beforehand and not stressed already so that hud behavior won’t be the straw that breaks the camels back. If you can do that it’s best.

amother

Maize

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:05 am

Op I soooo get you. I also grew up with a lot I'd abuse.
On top of it all, we have adhd running in both dh and my family. One child with inatentive adhd and PANS. Bh after 5 years PANS is in "remission" and one child with adhd and a history of trauma in her preverbal years (newborn) so it's a colorful mix bh.
At times I felt like I was a zoo keeper.... no kidding.

For dysregulated children. Consequences need to be easy and quick. And very direct. And BEFORE they spiral.

There are very few rules in my house.
1 keep your hands ajd feet to yourself
2 food only at the table
3 no get in the table
4 no disrupting normal family activities. No matter what. If you do you get to go to your room to calm down and try again.
5 no chutzpah

For chutzpah, I say "that wasn't respectful. I need to 2 minutes to myself, then we can resume" if they start cursing screaming whatever I add a minute. "That'll be 3 minutes" "4 minutes" being that the kid is dysregulsted, it'll take some time. Meanwhile I'll also say, if you need help calming down just say so, otherwhise I'll talk to you in 4 mimutes. At the 5 minute mark I'll remind them that when I get to 10 they lose a privilege. And I followed thru right away.
It would end up being 10 every single time. Now, depending on the kid I usually thru stop on 5. Sometimes even 2. They absolutely HHAAATTTEEE it.
They know I'm always willing to help them out but they must do it.
This has taught them more than anything I ever did, If you can't speak with respect to me, you can't speak to me. I just don't accept it. Period.

Now, we've had a lot of discussion about appropriate ways to express anger and frustration. I allow all kinds of feeling to be expressed, in appropriate ways.

There is also another trick that's crucial to avoid chaos amd crisis. You need to be a bit alert
If you see a child getting a bit dysregulated. Don't wait for it to errups. Go over and offer a tight warm hug. Or some physical roughhousing play like tickling. Or spinning. It helps then get back into a regulated mode.

The less your child gets out of control the more they will want to stay regulated. The more you will be able to work with them towards being regulated.
I also keep telling myself "I can do this, I am their mother. Hashem gave them to me because he knew I can do this" it helps keep me focused on doing it right WITHOUT getting my emotions worked up.

With this strategy, dysregulation and severe tantrums and chutzpah (which was a huge problem in my house) went down by at least 80-90%!!!!!

The house is so much more peaceful. And everyone benefits. Bh!

A week ago, my 8 yo so used to always curse me out and tell me what a horrible person I am (adhd ajd trauma) for the first time in YEARS randomly walked over to me and gave me a hug telling me "you are the best mother in the whole world!" I told her I'm the luckiest! Cuz hashem gifted me with her. And I truly believe that with every fiber of my being! (It helps that she's extremely pretty ajd bright kyh 🥰)

amother

Silver

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:13 am

amother Maize wrote:

This goes against everything I have learnt and I learn ALOT. Children can’t calm down, accept consequences, or regulate themselves they need a calm co-regulator. Sending them to time out or you going to take time out, giving consequences can’t possibly regulate them. Most likely they have gone into a shutdown state which makes it much easier for parents to manage and they seem calmer but they are in a much unhealthier state that will cause them great challenges in their future. They are far from regulated when in a shutdown state.

amother

Sage

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:47 am

OP can you stop and feel sorry for yourself. I did that too. The guilt and pain.
For a moment think about what led up to that.

What triggered you to lose it. After many such incidents I sat down and said no more. I finally figured out which buttons were pressed, how it made me feel, what it brought up inside of me. Which anger was triggered badly enough for me to lose myself and act like a monster.
And slowly healed that part of me so that I am no longer so triggered and wont react in suchh extremes.
In the meantime though I learned to step away when I saw those buttons being pushed. I prevented the escalation once I knew what feelings to look out for.
Try to sit with it. Without guilt. Just full compassion for yourself that youre in deep pain and dis regulated yourself because of your own childhood wounds. Without blame. Just compassion to stop the cycle of squashing the overwhelming feelings and them exploding.

After doing lots of this work on myself I bh only lose it once a year or less. As opposed to weekly. My children feel safe with me now. I always apologised afterwards that I will try to control my feelings of exasperation more and its no excuse and they didn’t deserve it no matter how badly they behaved.

amother

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:50 am

amother Daylily wrote:

I know my child enough to know that he needs me to regulate him.
I have been trying to work on giving him different tools so he can do it on his own, but like I said 75% of the time, I'm the one who has to do it.

I do tell him I feel like I am going to scream and I need to move away to calm myself myself down, and it actually makes it worse, he yells "no mommy" in a terrorized voice because he needs ME to calm him down and he can't do it on his own. He will keep screaming until I come calm him down.

amother

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:56 am

amother Mint wrote:

I just want to bold all the things that apply to me, because I try so hard, and so many times I do just go with the flow and ride the waves and stay completely calm and succeed. That's my goal. But then we have a night like last night.

One thing I do not have is the ability to call my husband to take over. It's not for this thread, but it's all on me.

amother

Mon, Nov 13 2023, 9:57 am

amother Silver wrote:

Every word here.
I am starting with a new therapist, please Hashem let it help me.