I was patched as a kid. I patch as a mom. AMA response pg10

amother

Yarrow

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:31 pm

amother OP wrote:

When they need a patch I send them to their room and they wait till I’m calm. I go talk about what they need a patch for. We discuss if they can do without a patch. If they still need a patch then I give a light patch and ask them if it was hard enough.

Im asking to see if the respect was restored. Are they behaving like a mentch? Are they regretful? If at any point I see they are back on track im done. I don’t NEED to patch them. It just needs to be an option. Bh it’s very infrequent that I need to actually patch. And most kids don’t need any. The concept is enough.

But I don’t need to tell them I love them after the patch bc they know I love them during the patch. It’s calm. I’ve told them many times that it’s my job to teach you how to be a mentch and if you need a patch then that’s a hard part of my job, but I’ll do it.

I can’t believe you don’t see the dysfunction here. How is it ever normal to ask your child if they need to be hit by you? And asking if it was hard enough? I am actually nauseous. Praying for your kids.

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:32 pm

chocpretzel wrote:

If the potch is so ‘helpful’ and helps your kids with boundaries and it’s done in a ‘calm’ state of chinuch then why is it ok for you to do to them and not their teachers? During school hours, the teacher is giving them chinuch and helping them with boundaries so if you say it’s ok for you to do, then it’s hypocritical to say the teachers can’t.

And if it bothers you so think of someone else hitting your child, even calmly, then it’s time to rethink yourself hitting them.

Honestly, if someone lived my kids like I love them and patched my kid in the same manner I patch my kids I don’t think it would be harmful.

amother

Yarrow

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:34 pm

Physical aggression is such a silly, loserish demonstration of power. You were given a brain for a reason. Hitting is for self defense. It should only be done if you are being attacked. Unbelievable.

If the only reason your kid “respects” you is because you are physically stronger than them, you’re going to lose their respect pretty soon when they get strong and can fight back.

I would never respect a person who hit me.

My father used to play a similar game on rare occasions and talk to us about slapping us. The only thing we felt in response was rage. We may have hidden it for fear he would hurt us again but no improvement was made in our attitude. And looking back, I feel nothing but derision for his behavior in those moments. What a caveman like way to treat your kid.

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:35 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Disgusting . Stop being lazy. Be a parent .

Woah that you’re getting heated.

It actually takes a tremendous amount of inner work to parent with zero anger. But it’s sounds like you might use the cutting words as your parenting tools judging from your comment.

amother

Clover

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:36 pm

There are many people reading this thread. Some of us would appreciate the alternatives that everyone says they have but are not sharing.

I know how to parent a kid who is communicating with me. I do not know how to parent a kid who has shut off and is just being wild, destructive, or dangerous. I hate that potching is what I end up resorting to when nothing else seems to help. Please let me know what you do in those moments. I've read multiple parenting books but I still don't know.

One example: DD7 got upset about something, it escalated before I could intervene at all, and began throwing things, pulling off her clothes (to punish me by being not tznius), screaming, etc. She was not responsive to anything I said. Just continued being wild. I finally pulled her onto my lap and held her hands and feet to prevent her from kicking anyone. She screamed that I was torturing her and "killing" her. I did not actually hit her, and she did eventually calm down, but I don't see how hitting her would have been worse than me holding her down.

amother

Peru

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hmm making assumptions on other people's parenting but not allowing them to comment on yours...
It's difficult to read your posts. You sound a little self-righteous about your method of chinuch but I wonder how many experts and mechanchim would agree that it's okay. I have a feeling very few would

amother

Yarrow

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:38 pm

amother Clover wrote:

You did the right thing. Hitting is causing physical pain to punish your child. Holding her arms and legs so she can’t hurt you is you setting boundaries.

mommy3b2c

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

Or , it sounds like you know I speak the truth so you’re attacking me personally . Bh, I don’t hit my kids and I try to never yell at them or use harsh words . If I do, I apologize. I try hard to not repeat the same mistakes as my parents . You should try too.
Hitting as a parent tool…
I will pray for your children and their emotional health .

amother

Pink

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:39 pm

amother OP wrote:

You sound like a sick, sick woman. Nebach.
It’s likely because of your childhood. You should go to therapy and help yourself

amother

Clover

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:40 pm

amother Yarrow wrote:

You did the right thing. Hitting is causing physical pain to punish your child. Holding her arms and legs so she can’t hurt you is you setting boundaries.

I had to hold them very hard. She is strong. She screamed that it hurt her, and I believe it.

Hitting is also establishing a boundary, and if it would have shocked her back to her senses so we could communicate again, it probably would have been quicker and less painful.

Please everyone, share all of your alternatives! The more I have in my toolbox, the more likely I am to find something that works in the moment.

NechaMom

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:40 pm

amother Clover wrote:

Make a spin off where we can discuss alternatives. Op is proud with her potching. I wouldn’t want to derail her thread.

amother

Peru

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:40 pm

amother Clover wrote:

Holding her arms and legs tightly could help her regulate herself and gain control of her body. Hitting her is just showing that physical violence is an appropriate way to respond to upset. It sounds like she's a challenging kid and speaking to a professional could help you learn strategies to deal with her

amother

Clover

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:43 pm

amother Peru wrote:

LOL this is all of my kids. It's their nature. Very intense feelings and very intense meltdowns.

amother

Peach

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:44 pm

amother OP wrote:

This sounds so degrading. How old are your kids?

amother

Copper

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:53 pm

amother Clover wrote:

Sounds like she might benefit from nurtured heart approach.

amother

Tuberose

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:04 am

I've potched children out of desperation in the moment [not something I'm proud or happy about] for lack of control; options or both
I beg Hashem that my kids not be ruined for life because of it
I also yell too much Sad

I definitely don't believe in potching as a parenting method

I've been potched and even peed in my pants on one such occasion in front of a cousin my age - not a pretty story at all

I know today that my father is narcissistic but whatever - that's not for this convo here

Premeditated potching the way the OP is explaining comes across to me as cruel

I don't understand the conversation at all

You're asking your child if they need a potch?
You trust their judgement?
What is the potch achieving that the conversation isn't?
You're asserting your authority with the potch?

I'm confused and nauseated

amother

Skyblue

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:04 am

amother OP wrote:

Because typically when a child is never taught that the parent is in charge then the children are self centered brats and the parent is resentful and toxic. I’m not saying always. But that’s a very common theme. Also, sure go ahead and add some positive alternatives.

And the only way for a parent to "be in charge" is to use physical force to overpower someone smaller than them???
There are other ways to establish that authority relationship and boundary

Children by nature are self centered. It's developmentally age appropriate and normal. Our job is to teach them, by example and through educating them. Perhaps a perspective shift is needed, we are raising little humans so they can be functional and healthy adults, what response/reactions will help them learn what they need to get there.
If a parent is resentful that their children are acting like children, which I know can be very very very challenging at times, maybe it needs to be explored why this is triggering the parent so badly. That awareness may decrease the need to lash out with an aggressive response.

amother

Skyblue

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:08 am

amother Clover wrote:

Holding her is helping her to calm her nervous system, reregulate and get grounded. Hitting is using aggression to overpower her. There is a difference!