S/O can't wrap my head around intentional hitting thread

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 6:36 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

What is a soft potch? I didn't know the strength varies. The potch will be remembered as exactly what it was, a potch.

You don't see a difference between a light tap with your fingers and a full on smack? I don't buy it, tbh. We all know that strength makes a BIG difference. The difference between catching attention and leaving a bruise. I don't personally potch as a chinuch technique, but I know the difference from being hit myself.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 7:27 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

The idea is that the child 'knows they have been punished.' They are in disgrace. The parent, not trusting the child, tries to create a negative emotional experience to keep the child in line.

So intentionally disgracing a child?

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 7:30 pm

amother Cyan wrote:

A soft potch can do wonders, esp in younger children who ignore you or don't understand your words.

The funny part is that you keep talking about how sometimes you hit & regret it- and it was out of anger- but when someone chooses to give a soft smack as part of intentional chinuch and it was predetermined, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it in my opinion.

This is not 'beating'.

It’s awful chinuch. It’s a terrible thing to do.

amother

Leaf

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 7:33 pm

amother Mistyrose wrote:

And as someone who has been hit too I can tell you that it makes zero difference. A potch is a potch.

amother

Red

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 7:42 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

And as someone who has been hit too I can tell you that it makes zero difference. A potch is a potch.

I don't think so. My parents say that they hit us lightly as kids. I don't remember ever being hit. If it would've been an angry beating, I'm sure I'd remember.

Cheiny

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:24 pm

amother Jetblack wrote:

My toddler pushed my baby under the bath water. Does that warrant a potch?

That warrants you not allowing your toddler access to the baby while you’re bathing him.

Chayalle

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:28 pm

amother Jetblack wrote:

My toddler pushed my baby under the bath water. Does that warrant a potch?

Chinuch means preparing a child for the future. I highly doubt your child is going to ch'v be a murderer when he grows up. There's no need to punish child for this as a toddler. He/she is not likely to act like this as an adult.

(It reminds me of a story about R' Yaakov Kaminetsky whose child was dancing on the table. Someone asked him why he isn't reprimanding him. He said, this child is not going to be dancing on the table as an adult, so diciplining him for doing it now is NOT chinuch.)

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:29 pm

amother Leaf wrote:

Part of the problem is how some people always always jump to normalize hitting.
Hitting is not normal!
In irregular situations I can hear why someone would be tempted to otch but to make a thing out of it because someone here or anywhere told her it's OK?? Whatever trauma and abuse the kids might suffer are in the heads of those who poo-poo it.

Hitting children has been normal since the dawn of creation yet somehow we tell ourselves that we are smarter and we know better. If the current generation is any proof, I'm not sure that our new and improved parenting techniques have born positive fruits.

giftedmom

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:31 pm

Cheiny wrote:

That warrants you not allowing your toddler access to the baby while you’re bathing him.

Yep. They’re both babies even if one is younger.

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:31 pm

Chayalle wrote:

And it can also mean preparing a child for the present, right now. Sometimes children need to be taught that they CANT hurt another child and that there will be consequences if they do.

challah58

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:39 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

And it can also mean preparing a child for the present, right now. Sometimes children need to be taught that they CANT hurt another child and that there will be consequences if they do.

Teach your child that it's wrong to hurt others by...hitting them?

amother

Gladiolus

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:40 pm

amother Lemonlime wrote:

And it can also mean preparing a child for the present, right now. Sometimes children need to be taught that they CANT hurt another child and that there will be consequences if they do.

This isn’t chinuch. Sorry.

Giraffe

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:46 pm

I became violent with my younger sister because all I learned from being hit is might makes right.

I have tons of regret years later. Sadly I endured way too much from both my parents hitting me and the bullying at school and could not be the rare saint child.

Still have violent thoughts towards my children. And therapy worsened my parents towards me because the forced therapists did not care to actually get a background history. Just wanted me to do more small talk to my bullies because I was not social enough. I have a hatred of therapy so don't suggest it to me.

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:49 pm

challah58 wrote:

Teach your child that it's wrong to hurt others by...hitting them?

Yes. Or punishing them in other ways. You're not on the same level as a child, and they don't necessarily see it that way. If you are out of control hitting, that is a different story...

amother

Lemonlime

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 9:51 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

This isn’t chinuch. Sorry.

It doesn't matter if it's chinuch or not. At that point, your responsibility is to the other children who are getting hurt (not necessarily siblings but also siblings as well). And I've seen this too often.

amother

Lilac

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:05 pm

Didn’t know people could think this was ok nowadays
I was even shocked to hear people talking about getting hit in yeshiva in the 1990s…

amother

Red

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 10:07 pm

amother Lilac wrote:

Didn’t know people could think this was ok nowadays
I was even shocked to hear people talking about getting hit in yeshiva in the 1990s…

Who wasn't hit in the 90's??????

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Nov 20 2023, 2:05 am

Wow. Lots of judgment. They bathe together. I watch and supervise the entire time. For those of you who will tell me this is unsafe, it is safer than leaving one alone while I bathe the other.
I immediately caught baby. Baby didn't actually spend time under water. But toddler thought it was a funny trick. And is too young to understand why it is so bad. So yes, I potched. And toddler realized that this is not to be repeated.

amother

Violet

Mon, Nov 20 2023, 2:10 am

amother Lemonlime wrote:

I agree

Giraffe

Mon, Nov 20 2023, 8:11 am

I decided to hit my daughter for crying and then call and tell my parents about it.

It was acceptable to do it to me so they should not have a problem. Guess being made into a cathartic punching bag for my parents is beneficial for society.

I also made sure to intentionally scream at my children until they are in tears when my parents are hear to witness what is being done to the next generation. I am helping to save society after all.

Kids are to be punching bags and stress relief.