S/o thinking your in a better financial state than most

peace2

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:32 am

amother Sienna wrote:

Right, but people are even taking issue with this setup and saying it's a bad thing. Why?

I think people who have had to work hard to be financially successful (or even solvent) look at those who got a "free ride" with resentment. It's hard to see what you've slaved away for being handed to someone on a silver platter. Some things come easily to people and are hard for others. It's no different than someone who got easy A's in school vs someone who studied for hours just to pass. But when it comes to money, especially in our society of the haves and have nots, it just hits differently.
I think it also has what to do with people's attitude that the money they've worked for is theirs more than the money that someone else was given, but that's a fallacy. It's all from Hashem

amother

Mimosa

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:35 am

amother Moonstone wrote:

Gonna agree with this. Bh my parents are well off and have evrrything they need and more. They helped us buy our house and we’re paying them back as we can. I’m forever grateful

If you’re paying back you’re missing my point.

I’ve spoken to many people who are being supported. Not one told me how glorious it is. All of them complained that they’re being treated as if they’re still a child at home.

For those of you saying it doesn’t apply to you, I wonder what your dh is saying. Is there a chance you don’t even realize it?

amother

Snowflake

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 7:32 am

peace2 wrote:

So basically it's just jealousy? So curious why does it hit differently? It's the same thing in the end - some people are born beautiful and smart, some not. Some people are born into wealth, others into poverty. What is the difference?

The frum community now has bh second and third generation wealth, and there are a lot who are being helped by parents. What should they do with their money - throw it in the garbage?

amother

Sienna

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 7:32 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

Not my experience. Sure my parents ask us to do certain things like try our best to be available to come to their chanukah party or certain Shabbos meals they want us for etc. but don't families who don't have support do this too?

They are also very understanding if we are not available for these types of things, like if it's my in laws turn to host us for the Pesach seder etc. my parents obviously would love us to come to them every year, but don't put pressure on us just because they give us more money. In fact, l'hefech, my mom often encourages us to spend more time with my in law's.

What would my DH complain about?

amother

Snowflake

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 7:35 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

Why is that missing the point? I would never have been able to buy my house without a "loan" from my parents with very generous repayment terms. I consider it a huge help.

I think you're mixing up being fully supported - possibly demeaning and infantilizing - to being helped out with things like a down payment and extra money here and there. Which is huge and I don't hear anyone complaining (at least not in my real life).

amother

Pansy

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 7:42 am

amother Mimosa wrote:

My parents didn’t help us with our house but did help most of my siblings. Very little difference in how we’re all treated, nothing I would attribute to support.

I’m quicker to host/ go visit or be over involved because I’m closer with my mother. My sisters that were helped (and are still helped actually!) don’t seem to feel any pressure from it at all. And I don’t think my family is the exception- we’re not some poster card family and have lots of other issues, but not this.

amother

Amber

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 7:47 am

amother Clover wrote:

Adding again, because I don’t feel like editing at the moment. How do you not know how much money your husband makes? We also are doing well, but I know almost exactly how much we have in the bank and in savings and where our investments are. It’s very important that you know all of that. Or at least have it written up somewhere or you could access it if you need it. Because God forbid if something happened, you wouldn’t want to be struggling to find where all that money is. I’m also a stay at home mom and quite comfortable. I would like to work this for my own satisfaction because my kids are big. But if something happened to my husband, God forbid I would really need to know we’re all that money is and I do. And I know exactly what comes in and it goes out although he’s in a business it’s not the same every single day, but we check in on a weekly basis to see what the income was.

I am not involved in the finances. My husband has multiple jobs with varied incomes. Most pay per job, and I don’t really know what he’s doing when. Some months he makes more, some months he makes less. I have a general idea, but I’m not really interested in the exact figure. I can check bank accounts whenever I want. I know nothing about investments. I know how to access it if I want, but I’m not interested. We both have life insurance policies.

amother

Cantaloupe

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 4:48 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

What makes you think she's the one who is arrogant and you're not? Yes, my money comes from my parents, but really my money comes from Hashem, same as yours. Do you really think you're a better person because you make so much money a year? Do you really think it's ok to be prideful because you're making 900k a year? Do you really believe its YOU, because you're so smart, so hard working, had the foresight to get an education (if you did)? Your attitude is a bit nauseating to be honest.

Well, my opinion is my own and I believe the OP of that thread came across as I described. You can disagree and that's perfectly fine. I didn't say I'm a better person and it's quite rude of you to imply that. Yes, I do think that I'm entitled to feel pride at what I earned, built and am fortunate enough to share with others as a result of my hard work and Hashem's help. Why is that a problem for you? Yes, I do believe it's me who's earned this parnassa. Hashem helps but I did the work. I pursued my career, sacrificed, dedicated so much and with mazel, became successful. I didn't have foresight to get an education. I was raised to believe in the importance of a career and an education was integral to that. Not everyone chooses to have an education but this was the path for me. I'm sorry if my attitude offends you but you are also quite offensive and I do wonder if you are the OP of the other thread. That would make sense. Otherwise, something about what I said set you off and maybe you should think about where your feelings are coming from. Without intending to judge, it seems like jealousy. If your money comes from your parents, it isn't yours. It's theirs and you get what they give you. If you have common sense, you save it and build up your own independent wealth. In which case, you should be earning your own income off of your holdings which is something you can be proud of growing. If you just spend whatever you get and do nothing productive or useful with the gifts you've been given, that isn't something to be proud of. Kind of elementary stuff here...

lamplighter

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 5:57 pm

I never got gifts or money from my parents, they just dont do that, never bought us presents as kids either. I don't believe I am owed anything but if I was offered money or funding for things from my parents I would gladly take it. I don't think it's something to be ashamed of. It's a gift from people who love you.
Enjoy the gifts, be grateful but don't act all pretentious and better than when you have zero life experience, financial experience or work ethic to speak of. Stay in your lane.

doodlesmom

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:09 pm

I do agree that hashem has different ways to give people money.
Some through the govt.
Some through their own hard work
Some throu their own easy mazeldig work
Some through a yerusha
And some through a parents help.

And I don’t believe that anyone of the above should feel better about their money than others.

Though working hard is always a good ethic and to be proud of, most people earning lots of money arent working harder tHan many earning much less.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:20 pm

amother Hunter wrote:

Me and my husband combined make 1m a yr bh. Idk what our friends make but I think that's pretty impressive. Especially since when we got married we had less then 5k and no jobs (and parents have no money either) We're in our 20s.
I think our friends would assume about us that we're not making that much based off how we live but we like it that way Wink

In your 20s and make a million? Whoa.
Can I ask what country you live in? And if you have your own business or you’re employed by a company? Do you work in the same business or each your own thing? Who of the 2 of you makes more than the other ?

Tao

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:24 pm

amother Snowflake wrote:

"The Torah says be humble in everything you do
If you're strong or smart or beautiful (or making 900k a year), it's not because of you......"

Honestly I don't get the whole thing. Why does it matter what other people have? We definitely don't have a lot of money and I need to consider every dollar, but bH we have food and clothes (not the brand names - nebach!)
Having said that I probably would not be advertising if I made 900k as many people would not take that well (lol, I highly doubt that will ever be more than theoretical!)
I can't believe people discuss their bank accounts with others. I'm one of the most open people I know, totally not private at all, but I thought it was basic common sense. Your finances are really not anyone's business. This coming from someone who shares almost everything. Silent

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:27 pm

amother Sienna wrote:

This is really nice. My best friends parents were very wealthy and supported her kollel lifestyle in Israel in style with many extras, and when it came to pesach they felt that since they were flying her into the states and paid for the tickets as well as support all year , they wanted to have the couple by them for all all of pesach. His parents didn’t help at all (I don’t know if they didn’t help because they didn’t have or didn’t want to). Her parents arranged the tickets that they had a stopover before pesach by his family which they felt was a kindness , since it’s expensive to pay for the stopover for an entire family.
It’s been 20 years and her husband has never spent pesach with his family.

This is called support with strings attached , even if they were within their rights.

Tao

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:30 pm

Although to give the benefit of the doubt: maybe the posters who say they're making 1m or 900k really live simple lives, and do not dicuss these things, and maybe no-one knows. I imagine it would be a very hard thing to keep quiet; everybody likes recognition. Just because Hashem gives us something doesn't mean we don't enjoy admiration. I might not have money, but I'm creative and yes, I can't say it doesn't feel good when people appreciate the talents Hashem gave me. So, maybe online anonymous posting is the only way to be able to share these things freely. Kol hakavod to those who worked hard and Hashem granted you financial success! May it only continue.

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 6:32 pm

And just to comment on salaries - my husband and I make about 185k combined between the 2 of us and we’re really really struggling. Like really.
We do live out of town where things are cheaper and bh we own our house. But we’re not saving and often have basically nothing in the bank (it goes out faster than it comes in)
It’s about 13k per month after taxes
However so many people I know make less, and seem to be managing better than we are . Idk!
We’ve never really gotten help. My parents paid for my oldest sons Bris , my in laws paid for plane tickets over the years to come to them
For yomim tovim (domestic flights not international), my grandmother gave us 4k once to buy our first car as newlyweds. Stuff like this.
But we were never supported or got help with a down payment or anything.

mig100

Wed, Dec 06 2023, 7:50 pm

amother Slateblue wrote:

How exactly would he be better off without the support? If he was not being supported, he would be able to fly in to see his parents?