Oldest daughter | Imamother

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:41 am

My oldest girl is a young teen.
I sometimes feel defensive around her.
She’s a Type A, does anything “right”, uptight personality.
She has issues with the way I run the house, different things I do that she “disapproves” of. She doesn’t verbalize it, she’s careful not to be chutzpah but it’s type of thing that comes out when she’s upset or she mutters under her breath.
I am not concerned about “chutzpah”, it’s more about my relationship with her.
I feel judged by her and I don’t think it’s a good place for a parent to be in when building a relationship with their kid.
I don’t want to feel badly about my parenting, I feel like my weaknesses show up and she sees them. I guess I’m insecure?
Things like messy home, running late, or being more relaxed with the youngers… can’t think of other examples.
I do feel insecure, I definitely judge my own homemaking and parenting. Objectively it’s nothing too bad. Maybe having a daughter who could “do it better” doesn’t help.
Bottom line I want her to respect me as a parent and feel comfortable coming to me.
I’m trying to respect her and I know she has a different personality than me and it’s ok.
I wish I could express myself better here, I guess this is a good start.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:43 am

This is normal. When she grows up and has her own house and family, she'll understand more through maturity and experience. We do all have our own weaknesses, and teenagers are good at finding them. But your relationship should survive.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:44 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

Is this just “welcome to parenting teen kids”? 🤪

BrisketBoss

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 10:47 am

amother OP wrote:

Is this just “welcome to parenting teen kids”? 🤪

I don't have teenagers yet, but I've been a teenager. Wink

And haven't you heard that they know everything?

Just like with toddlers, their brains are going through a lot and there are certain challenges you may experience. And at that age the challenges are bigger and can feel more personal. But usually if you don't screw up too badly, they come around again by their late teens or early twenties.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 11:08 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

I don't have teenagers yet, but I've been a teenager. Wink

I'm in my late twenties and from personal experience, there's a stage when everything becomes clearer. They say the brain only fully matures at 25, and it's true. It's like every day is a new epiphany and life just starts making sense all of a sudden.

Many of the things that my parents did or decisions they made when I was growing up make sense now. I find myself (with slight horror lol) becoming more and more like my mother and realizing that she knew a thing or two about life.

As a former teen and current young adult, OP, it does get better.

amother

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 12:08 pm

I guess main part of it is my own insecurities and having them on display for her.
When the kids were little it was just how I am. I’m not talking about anything dysfunctional but just the type of stuff you don’t need your mil analyzing.
I’ve never felt this way before not even with my actual own MIL. I guess because it’s clear me that everyone has strengths and weaknesses and BH mil appreciates me for who I am.

amother

Green

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 4:52 pm

What you're describing is super normal...
Bh today my dd is past teenage years and it's a thing of the past!
I think that the problem is that her priorities are not your priorities!
You don't have the same motivation or same amount of time as her to devote to making your house look like a museum...
She's not a mother. You have to trust your decisions.
Keep on building a relationship with her! You'll both be fine!!!

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 4:56 pm

If she's chutzpadik , you can ask her to repeat it more respectfully. You can also create a boundary and tell her that when she runs her home , she can do it however she wants to but this is the way you do things.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Dec 12 2023, 4:56 pm

My oldest two children definitely judge my parenting of the younger half of my family and find it to be lacking. Of course it hurts sometimes but I try not to take it to heart.

I’m actually from the youngest in my own family but remember judging my siblings for the way they were raising my nieces and nephews… I’ve definitely grown up a lot since then!

Teenagers think they know more than everyone else and it’s going to take her years to find out she’s wrong.

tehilap

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 2:47 am

Are you me, this is exactly my family, im working on bonding with my daughter,literally making it a priority, buying her things , going out together, helping her study for tests, thanks for the validation, were in this together.

amother

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 4:56 pm

tehilap wrote:

Do you find this improves things? I think relationship is the way to go.

amother

Aster

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 5:18 pm

I wonder if laughing at your “weaknesses “ out loud might be a good idea. She sees that you know you aren’t perfect but are trying your best and nobody will be whispering things under their breath if you’ve already said it out loud like “well guess I’m late again one day I’ll be on time haha” just keeping it light and blatantly obvious.

amother

Cantaloupe

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 5:24 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

My mother always said this to me

It hurt me so so much I can't explain
I felt extremely angry and upset she always said such things to me
It created in me a big urge to like get back later in life

amother

Sage

Sun, Dec 24 2023, 5:52 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

My mother always said this to me

It hurt me so so much I can't explain
I felt extremely angry and upset she always said such things to me
It created in me a big urge to like get back later in life

She's saying everyone does things the way they think are best. why would it bother you?