Parenting Articles

proudmom

Tue, Jul 20 2004, 8:47 am

I get emails from Chabad.org and this is one of the articals that I recieved, I thought it was something nice to share with everyone.

By: Yaakov Lieder
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A company CEO once told his employees: "The firing will continue until morale improves."

It is easy to understand how absurd this statement is. It is a bit harder to understand what's wrong when a parent screams at their child: "Why don't you respect me?!"

Research has shown that children, like adults, respect those who respect them. Even when a disciplinary measure is necessary, it can also be done with respect. Saying to the child respectfully, "This is the disciplinary measure that I have to take for your well being," or, "This is a consequence of your action." There is no need to humiliate the child or speak down to them because they have done something wrong.

When the child is consistantly spoken to with respect, s/he will then learn how to respect others and how to return the respect to the parents. We must remember that respect has to be earned -- it cannot be demanded. Respect extends itself to all aspects of the child's life, such as not opening letters addressed to the child or by knocking on the door first before entering their room as well as not eavesdropping on their telephone conversations to friends, etc.

A child who is well respected has a strong self esteem which helps them to perform well in all areas of their life. Most importantly, they will understand just what respect looks and feels like, so that they know how to give it

Last edited by proudmom on Thu, Sep 09 2004, 1:08 pm; edited 1 time in total

Smiley

Wed, Jul 21 2004, 9:31 pm

There is a fine line to be drawn between:

A) Spoiling a child- when a child does something wrong, he must understand that it is not an acceptable thing. Sometimes when trying to communicate to a child with respect, one tries to hold back a little, and the message that he is wrong, gets lost in the translation.

B) Respecting a grown child- , knowing where he can be trusted to learn on his own.

C) Ignoring the child- Sometimes a parent does have to meddle in the child’s life, in order to find out more. To take an extreme example, If a parent knows that the child is taking drugs, then he should not be trusted to learn the lesson on his own.

Of course a big part of the decision is dependant on the age of the child, but a bigger part of the decision is based on Hashgachah Protis.

This lesson is just as important to a teacher or coach as it is to a parent. Usualy it only becomes the teachers problem if the parent is not dealing with it right.

proudmom

Sun, Aug 01 2004, 12:27 pm

Here is another thing I got on parenting. ENJOY

Believe like a Child
By: Yaakov Lieder
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Once during a staff meeting, the teachers were complaining about their heavy teaching load and asked me, as principal, if I could eliminate playground duty from their schedules. I responded by proposing that their weekly hour in the playground is perhaps their best opportunity, as educators, to truly get to know their pupils. In the classroom, the children are directed by an adult teacher as to what to do or not to do, what to learn and how to learn it. Only in the playground will you see one child acting out his dream to be a pilot, and another group of children playing judge and jury. Only at the playground will you get a true glimpse of their imagination.

Children are blessed with a natural ability to believe in themselves and to imagine great accomplishments for their future lives. They have not had enough bad past experiences to limit their belief in what they are capable of achieving. Their future is not limited by their past -- only by how far their imagination can take them.

All too often, when a child comes to us and tells us about his dreams and aspirations, we dampen it with our own cynicism. Interestingly enough, that's not the approach we take when, for example, our child is learning to walk or talk. Even if the child did not pronounce the word properly, or she took a few steps and fell down, we wouldn't criticize her and say, "Why, that's not how that word is pronounced at all! And what a way to walk! Oh, you'll never walk or talk properly." Rather, we encourage her to keep trying by making a big deal out of every word or step she takes. We understand that the more we encouraged her, the harder she will try and the greater her achievements will be.

We should take the same approach to a child's inner life. We should nurture his dreams and encourage her imagination regardless of the fact that it is not yet perfect. For such encouragement will help them achieve far beyond what they would otherwise be capable of achieving.

And it's not just good parenting -- we'll gain from it too. Standing in the playground and watching our children at play can turn out to be a useful source of encouragement for us adults, as well. Most adults do not pursue their life's dreams -- perhaps because they are too afraid of failure, perhaps because they do not believe enough in their own capabilities. If we took a closer look at our children and learned from them how to imagine and believe, we, too, could reach much greater heights than ever imagined.

Rivka

Wed, Aug 04 2004, 3:02 pm

I agree with that one about the imagination bit, also the thing on respect I agree with that too, but it depends what age you are talking about.
A baby/toddler will not listen to you if you say in a nice sweet voice, don't do this because blah blah, they don't understand, with them it's all in the tone of voice, commanding and strong they tend to listen, but if you are soft and nice they run all over you. Shouting and getting angry, I find that my child tends not to hear me (don't blame him really) and even if I give him a tap on his hand for continuosly doing something he isn't allowed tends to make him just smack. So basically I find the strict voice, no smile "I really mean what I say" approach the best.
But I deffinately agree that you need to respect a child and I think at every age that means something else. Toddler stage I can't think of anything really, but deffinately when they are in school it is important to show you respect your child and his feelings.

proudmom

Thu, Sep 09 2004, 1:07 pm

Something to share

Two parents were telling me about something that happened the evening before in their home. Their eight-year-old son asked the mother to help him with a mathematical problem. Although she made three attempts, the child still did not understand. So the father tried to explain it from a different angle and the child finally "got it." At this point, the discouraged mother suggested to her son, "Next time go to your father first -- you'll get it straight away."

I told them the story of Johnny's three rolls. Johnny was hungry, so he ate a roll. He ate a second roll, and then a third, but he was still hungry. So he ate a bagel. Finally sated, he said to himself: "Stupid me! Next time I'll eat the bagel right away!"

When I talk to people about the importance of reading inspirational books and listening to motivational talks on a regular basis, I sometimes get the response, "I read so many books and I have listened to so many inspiring talks but nothing has changed. So why should I continue doing things that don't work?"

On the other hand, I often hear from readers of my column, "What you wrote made a profound impact on my life. Finally it all made sense to me. I have now stopped being so critical of my children and I spend more quality time with my family." To which I reply, "The material which I write about is not rocket science. It is simply common sense, things which you've probably heard many times before. The reason it has made an impact on you now is that it has come after all the previous times and because now is the time that you are ready to accept it."

The same is true in raising and educating our children. Don't be discouraged when you don't see results. Don't ever think that you are "wasting your time." Perhaps you may need to try a different approach (like the father's different "take" on the math problem that helped the child to finally understand), but every positive talk or action you undertake will have an impact.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe of blessed memory used to say: There are many stages in farming the land: you have to plow and fertilize, sow and water and weed, and harvest -- all at the right time. Not all soils and all plants produce the same results and at the same pace, but it is by constantly working on it that real progress can be made.

We can never know for sure which stage our child has reached at any given point in his or her life. One child may be at the early stages of plowing, while another child may be further along in his or her growth and at the stage were the final impact will occur. Thus, we never know what effect our encouraging words may have or what difference they may make, because we don't know what stage the child has reached.

Of course, all this applies not only to parenting but to all forms of education -- our efforts to have a positive impact on another person, whether it's a student, a spouse or friend, or our community as a whole.

One thing is for sure: words that come from the heart will reach the heart. Sooner or later an impact will be made and we would have had the merit to have played a part in improving the quality of someone else's life.

Take action that will make a difference. Perhaps there are people in your life regarding whom you have given up trying to make a difference. Try again, this time without expecting instant results. You may be his first or second roll, and there will be someone else who will give him his bagel. You may be planting a seed, and many years later she'll get the watering and weeding she needs. But your positive influence is an essential step in achieving the ultimate results.

proudmom

Tue, Oct 12 2004, 5:29 am

"How Many Children Are You Going to Have?"
By: Zushe Greenberg
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Recently, I took part in a telephone conference call involving 29 people. It was not a business venture, but a personal matter. Lines from Ukraine, France, Alaska, Texas, New York and Solon, Ohio, buzzed to Israel to wish my mother a happy 60th birthday.

What made this call so special was that it symbolized the profound blessings of a large family. All of the callers were my mother's children and their spouses: seventeen sons and daughters and twelve sons- and daughters-in-law (b'li ayin harah). Everyone had the opportunity to extend words of good wishes.

After this twenty-five-minute congratulatory roll call, one of my sisters asked, "What is the secret of your success? How did you manage to not only survive raising such a large family, but also raise such stable, happy, accomplished and self-confident kids like us?" My mother chuckled at the "self-confident" part, and in her unassuming and practical manner insisted that it was no great feat. "You just take one day at a time," she insisted, "and one child at a time, and do what needs to be done..." We all demanded a better explanation. How was it that she didn't worry about finances, living space, and simply providing the basic needs like clothing and food? At this point my father entered the conversation. "You're forgetting the full picture," he said, sharing a synopsis of his life story.

When he was twelve years old, he was fleeing from Hitler in Romania and ended up in Communist Russia. There he suffered constant persecution for his religious beliefs while at the same time was denied an exit visa and permission to leave the country.

At age nineteen, he finally tried to cross the border to Poland. He was double-crossed as his "guide" delivered him straight to the soviet police. He was sentenced to 25 years hard labor in a Siberian prison camp. When Stalin mercifully died seven years later, my father were set free together with all political prisoners .

He never dreamed that he would survive these events, but he did. He also never dreamed that he would find a Jewish woman who shared his dedication to Yiddishkeit and was prepared for the self sacrifice necessary to raise a Torah-observant family in Communist Russia. But he found my mother. In 1967, long before the Iron Curtain fell, my family, myself included, received permission to leave the USSR. We traveled to and settled in Israel.

"After all these miracles," my father concluded, "I should worry about a few pieces of bread? If G-d gave me the strength to survive all the hardships, surely He could give me the strength to provide the needs of my family." We all fell silent and thought about his philosophy.

Judaism teaches that children are the most cherished Divine blessing known to mankind. Not only are they a blessing, but tradition teaches us that every additional child brings a new flow of blessings to a family. Each additional child does not decrease from the material, financial and spiritual stability of the home; on the contrary, the entire family actually benefits from the Divine blessings that each child brings.

The Lubavitcher Rebbe once said that it is unnecessary for us to take over G-d's bookkeeping to figure out how many children He is able to care for. "He who feeds and sustains the whole world" the Rebbe said, "is able to take care of the children, as well as the parents."

Now that my wife and I have children of our own, I can truly appreciate the amazing dedication and self-sacrifice of my parents, as well as that of all those who are blessed with large families. I know that it takes an endless supply of laughter, tears and long wakeful nights to raise each child; I also know the nachas, the pride, joy and happiness that each child brings. I truly admire those that willingly set aside the best years of their life and dedicate them to raising a generation of active, giving adults. Each of these future adults will make their own unique contribution to the Jewish people as well as to all of humanity. Each child represents an infinite potential, absolutely beyond prediction. Every child has his or her own unduplicated gift to present to the world, and those who bring him or her into existence are enriching humankind.

If all this was true in all generations, how much more so in our time, when our people were so cruelly decimated in the ovens of Auschwitz.

I always tell the story of a Jewish woman, expecting her fifth child, who was working in her garden when her neighbor looked over the fence and called out: "What -- another one? How many children are you planning to have?"

She had heard this question many times before. She smiled and immediately replied, "Six million!"

- Rabbi Zushe Greenberg is the spiritual leader of Chabad Center of Solon.

proudmom

Tue, Oct 26 2004, 5:43 am

Tell Me What's Wrong
By: Yaakov Lieder
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"I don't care what you think about me, as long as you don't tell me," I once overheard a person saying.

It would seem to me that many of us act upon the belief that our loved ones feel this way. Husbands and wives avoid telling their spouses about what is bothering them in their relationship, because they don't want them to be upset. Parents "help" their children by covering up for them when they make a mistake, signing notes excusing them for not doing their homework so as to shield them from the negative consequences, rather than insisting that they own up to their failure to meet their responsibilities. In a work environment, people refrain from criticizing their colleagues, employees or employers; as a result, no one knows what is really happening until it is too late to fix the situation.

This brings to mind the old adage: "If you give a person a fish, you help them for a day; but if you teach them how to fish, you help them for a lifetime." Although teaching a person how to fish is a longer process and may involve difficulty and discomfort in the short term, it is the only way to bring about real change and make a real difference in his or her life.

If we truly wish want to help our spouse, child or colleague, we need to be open and frank about what we see is going wrong. If we hold back our thoughts, the situation will not get better by itself.

We are sometimes so afraid that we may hurt the other person that we avoid telling them the truth. By doing so, we will be hurting them a lot more in the long run.

People may like you because you don't hurt their feelings with the truth. But they will respect you much more if they know exactly where they stand with you. If they know what you think and can trust you to be "up front" with them, they can be certain that they only thing you will do behind their back is give them a pat.

Obviously, we must take care to present our criticism in an appropriate manner, and at an appropriate place and time.

And to the person quoted at the beginning of the article, I would counter with the classic business slogan: "If I am doing something right, tell others; if I am doing something wrong, please tell me".

proudmom

Wed, Nov 03 2004, 1:42 pm

Teaching Our Children Responsibility
By: Shea Hecht
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I learned that there is a difference between teaching our children responsibility and making them our servants. One evening while sitting in someone's home for a meeting I noticed their twelve year old daughter making a phone call that was clearly for her mother. When she finished that call, her mother asked her to make one more call. When I concluded my meeting, I asked the mother why her daughter was making these phone calls. She answered that she thought this helps teach the child responsibility. I told the mother that from what I could see, unless she suffers from a language barrier and is therefore unable to make the call, if she asks a child to make a call that is clearly for herself the only thing that she has taught her child is how to transfer responsibility.

After this encounter I did an unofficial study by asking the children who come into my office for counseling how they feel when their parents give them responsibilities. The result of my "scientific study" was that, for most children, the way they felt depended upon the circumstances. The children told me that when their parents asked them to do different tasks -- make a phone call, go to the store, etc. -- and that task was for the sake of the child or for the family as a whole, it taught the child responsibility. When the task was clearly for the parent's own convenience, the children felt used and it taught transference of responsibility. In the future, these children just learned to ask their younger siblings to do tasks for them. The experience had taught them that the older and stronger have permission to exploit the younger and weaker.

From my conversations with these children I was able to break the "responsibility vs. slavery" issue into three parts. Firstly, when a child is asked to do something for the household, if everyone takes part in it then the child will not feel used. For example, if there's a party and you ask each child to give up some time and do something, then it's regarded as a common effort. Even when it's mundane household chores, if they are split with some calculation a child will generally do them without resentment. For example, if the boys and girls in the family are on different school schedules, and the boys help when they are home and the girls do their share when they're available, then children can sense a fairness and won't complain.

Secondly, it's important to make children feel that they're not just givers but also receivers of the aid that they are expected to contribute. For example, when you asks an older child to help the smaller children with homework, you can also promise the older child that you'll help him with his school work when the younger children are in bed and the house is quieter. This teaches the child that the stronger help the weaker and the bigger help the smaller.

Thirdly, parents need to treat their children as children -- not as spouse replacements. A woman can't say, "my husband comes home late and can't help me, so my teenagers will help me parent instead." Many years ago when fathers went off to war or to work away from home they would tell their young child that "you are now the man of the house" and "take care of your mother." A six year old couldn't handle that kind of responsibility. Neither can a 16 year old today. A parent asking and expecting a child to do an adult's job is taking advantage.

None of this negates the fact that we can expect our children to help out in times of crisis -- in times of sickness, pregnancy, or tragedy, G-d forbid. But even at times like this, when a parent feels the need to give extra responsibility to a child, it should not be done by dictating but rather as a request and with explanation. A parent can tell the child, "I know it's not your responsibility, but this is the help we need now." It's a chessed -- a kindness -- for the child to help the parent.

In conclusion, when we ask our children to help with something we must ask ourselves two questions: 1) Whose job am I asking the child to do? 2) Am I giving the child this job to teach responsibility, or am I shirking my own responsibility? A parent that can answer these two questions by honestly saying that they are doing it for the child's sake will indeed be teaching their child responsibility.

proudmom

Mon, Nov 08 2004, 7:56 am

Pain and Gain
By: Yaakov Lieder
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Once, when one of my daughters was eleven years old, she complained about a pain in her knee. Seeing nothing wrong with her knee, I suggested that it was probably growing pains. My daughter didn't like the explanation. "Why can't we grow without pain?" she demanded.

Unfortunately, in real life, growth is often associated with pain. As the famous saying goes, "No pain -- no gain." While we may not have control over the "pain" part, especially when it’s caused by others, we do most definitely have control over the "gain" part.

Most of our learning and growth in life comes not from the good times but rather from the difficult times. During the good period we are happy and therefore do not want anything to change. It is during the bad times, when we are unhappy with the status quo, that we learn how to change things -- how to make our world better than it is.

When life throws challenges at us, we have a choice. We can feel sorry for ourselves and cry and complain, "Why me?" Or we could stop and say to ourselves: "What can I do, given the new circumstances that have arisen?"

I once asked an elderly wise person whom I used to approach for advice, "Where do you get such good judgement from?" He answered, "Good judgment comes from bad experience." He related to me the following story, which had a profound effect on me.

One day, a donkey fell into a pit. The animal cried and whined for hours while his owner tried to figure out what to do. Finally, the farmer decided that since the animal was old, and the pit needed to be covered up anyway, he'd just bury the old donkey right there. He got a shovel and started filling in the pit. The donkey kept up its wailing, but then fell silent. After an hour of furious shovelling, the farmer paused to rest. To his amazement, he saw his old donkey jump out of the pit and trot away!

At first, when the donkey realized what was happening, he cried even more piteously. But then the wise animal hit on a plan. As each spadeful of dirt hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up on the growing mound of earth. Eventually, the mound grow high enough for him to jump out of the pit.

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the pit well is to shake it off and take a step up. We can get out of the deepest pits by not stopping and never giving up. Just shake it off and take a step up.

proudmom

Tue, Nov 23 2004, 8:23 am

Productive Communication
By: Yaakov Lieder
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There's an old chassidic saying which posits that there are three types of conversations. The first type is where everyone talks and nobody listens. The second is where one person talks and others listen. The third -- and highest -- form of conversation is when no one talks and everyone listens.

Quality listening occurs when participants silently listen not only to what is being said but also to what is not being said. Making eye contact and reading each other's facial expressions are a help in understanding what the other person is experiencing and feeling.

Productive communication is a very rare commodity in this day and age. I once heard a teenager say, "I haven't spoken to my mother for five years -- I didn't want to interrupt her!" In some relationships, everyone is doing plenty of talking but very little listening and then they wonder why their relationship has gone sour.

There is nothing more beautiful than to see a parent and a child, or a married couple, who are able to express in a calm way those ideas and feelings that are important to them. They talk to each other, rather than at each other. On the other hand, I constantly see parents and children and husbands and wives who tend to express their feelings by screaming and shouting. They think that the more you scream and shout in a conversation, the more you are able to get your point across. But though you may think the other person is listening, the fact is that the more you scream the less they listen. The other person may be silent, but this is not necessarily an indication that they are listening; it may simply mean that they are busy preparing the counter attack. And at the end of such a session, either party (or both!) is likely to say something like, "You see, he/she isn't listening. This is what the problem is all about."

My first advice to them is to stop screaming at each other and to start listening. I point out, "How can you know what another person is thinking and feeling, if you haven't really listened?" I then suggest the following exercise. One of them should explain to the other exactly how s/he feels, while the second person should do nothing but listen attentively, make eye contact and attempt to understand where the first person is coming from. If necessary, the listener may ask questions for clarification, but must make sure that no judgments are made.

When the one has finished talking, the other person must wait to ensure that the speaker has actually finished and is not just pausing to take a breath. The listener should then feed back to the speaker what the listener has understood the speaker to have said. Only after the speaker acknowledges that the listener has understood, does the second party get a turn to voice his or her opinion and expect the other to reciprocate with the same quality of listening he or she have been accorded.

This exercise does not require either party to agree with what the other is saying. All that the listener is required to do is to understand the speaker's point of view. Only after each has understood the other can an attempt be made to find a way that will meet the needs of both. Often, the good will that is created by the respect of good listening and understanding will itself result in the rebuilding and rekindling of the relationship.

Try to listen more than you speak. It helps to bear in mind that G-d gave us one mouth and two ears so we that can listen twice as much as we speak.

proudmom

Thu, Dec 09 2004, 6:48 pm

Getting Your Way
By: Yaakov Lieder
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A mother asked me recently, "If I said 'No' to my child for something they wanted and then changed my mind, would it come across as a weakness on my part?"

I explained that if the child has some additional information that they can provide, there is nothing wrong with the parents saying, "In light of the additional information that you have given me now..." or "In light of the changed circumstances... I will now reconsider and make the appropriate decision." Whether this decision is "yes" or "no" is irrelevant. It is a very important lesson to give a child that there is some flexibility, and that the parent doesn't always have to get their way.

This reminds me of a story I heard about a Chassidic Rebbe. People had to wait for weeks to be able to see this Rebbe and receive his blessing and advice. Twenty people at a time would enter the room, and then each would approach the Rebbe individually. One time, a person who was not on the list pushed the Rebbe's secretary aside and forced his way into the room. When he came for his turn with the Rebbe, the Rebbe said to him: "I saw the way you pushed your way through the door. As your teacher, I have a very important lesson to teach you. You don't always have to get your way. So now, please leave the room, put yourself on the list, and wait your turn to see me." The person, who had a most urgent matter to discuss with the Rebbe, was heartbroken, knowing that it would take him several weeks to see the Rebbe again.

As he walked out the door the Rebbe called him back and said to him: "Come back, my son, I will attend to you now. Because I have an even more important lesson to teach you... I, your teacher, don't have to get my way either."

We cannot teach children a lesson that they don't always have to get their way by insisting on always getting our way.

proudmom

Wed, Dec 22 2004, 8:48 am

Identify the Driving Force
By: Yaakov Lieder
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"There are days when I'm so excited about the future and enthusiastic about what I would like to accomplish in my life," one of my children said to me recently. "But there are mornings when I all I want to do is stay in bed. Why do I feel so differently on different days? Does it have to do with the weather? Or how I slept the night before? Why can’t I always be happy?"

My first reaction was to say, "Welcome to the real world, kid..." But, seriously, hers was an important question. While we all have our ups and downs, there is always a cause for the "downs," and our first step in dealing with these downswings in mood is to identify their source. When we complain to our doctor of an ailment, the doctor’s first concern is to identify the illness. Only once the source of the illness is identified can the curing process begin. "Knowing the sickness," say our sages, "is half the cure."

If you wake up one morning and feel down, the first thing you should do is to try to identify the thoughts that are going through your mind that put you in this state. These can generally be divided into three sources:

1) They may have to do with something external. Perhaps someone has done or said something to you that has made you upset, our something has happened that is upsetting to you.

2) Alternatively, it may be something internal, such as a physical illness which is affecting your emotions.

3) The most common source, however, is your own imagination. You may imagine that someone is planning something against you or something bad is going to happen to you in the future.

In most cases, it is the third category that is the source of our depression. It is our imagination that goes wild and causes us to worry and be fearful. I like to say that the word FEAR stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. Being that the evidence is only in our imagination, we need to take charge of our thoughts, instead of letting our thoughts take charge of us.

In the hard drive of our brain we should have a folder in which are stored backup files of positive thoughts and reminders of all the good things that we are blessed with. We should refer to these files on a regular basis, so that our brain creates shortcuts to them and quickly open them when necessary. Moreover, when negative imaginings bring on negative thoughts, we should use our positive files to do a quick "replace."

Things to put in our positive files folder include thoughts such as how fortunate we are that we woke up this morning, unlike others who did not; that we can see, breathe, walk, etc. But most of all, the thought that G-d has taken the trouble to create me, a unique human being with a unique DNA, unique mind, unique personality, unique talents -- a unique human being who has never existed before and will never exist again. G-d puts His trust in this unique me and wants me to always remember that I am special, and that the purpose of my existence is to achieve the mission I was created for, which is to make this world into a better place.

My child told me that she knows all of this and has heard it before, but still has trouble controlling her negative thoughts. She knows what to do, she said, but does not always do what she knows.

I reassured her as follows: "The more you practice the 'search and replace' technique and the more you tell yourself that you are really in charge of your thoughts, the easier it will be for you to actually accomplished this. Although we cannot completely eliminate all negative thoughts and down days, which are part of human nature, we can train our minds to replace our negative thoughts with positive ones, and it will take only a split second to jump from being very down to being extremely happy."

[The ideas in this article are based on a letter from the Lubavitcher Rebbe (Igrot Kodesh, Volume 14, page 22).]